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Hiya Snow,

I agree with the others. Have him write a no-contact letter to OW, the content to be approved by you, and the letter to be MAILED by you (so that he adds nothing). Suggest a transparency plan (new cellphone #, with detailed billing, the bill to come to YOU, exchange daily schedules, keylogger on his computer, etc.) and see what he says.

His sincerity should show itself soon enough.

Puppy

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Oops -- should have added:

Considering his recent threats of physical violence, I would additionally suggest that this "Period of No-Contact and Transparency" be done while he lives somewhere OTHER than your home, and that it be for a MINIMUM of six months before you'll even CONSIDER him moving back in with you.

This should be non-negotiable.

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Hi Snow,
I havent posted to you before. But reading your last post I recognised your emotions since I was at the same spot 3 months ago when my H after a year of separation said he wanted back.

Sadly for me, my H didnt/doesnt go to therapy and although I agreed to give him a chance, 3 months later we are stuck because he does very little (at least that is what I see) to convince me he really meant what he said. On the other had I didnt do it with the excitement I would have months ago. As I usually say, Universe did give me what I wished for, but with a great delay. It felt as if right when I had things "in order" again, he came back to mess with my emotions and life again.

Of course, all sitches have similarities but major differences as well. I sincerely hope your H shows you he realy means his words and backs them up with actions.
Good Luck,
K


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Hi Snow,

I hope for a recon for you if that is what you want and is healthy.

Please continue to focus on your safety and that of your daughter. There are programs for men like your husband to deal with anger management and violence. He may benefit from that assistance. It can be addressed, but he is the one who must make the commitment and do the work. It is not your responsibility.

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Originally Posted By: Snow White
I feel like I need someone to make me feel whole.


Hello, again, dear lady,

Let me state up front that I truly understand what you are saying about the loneliness -- the pain and the anguish of having a hole in one's life following the loss of one's spouse. Of that I am certain we all understand and commiserate. But taking that to the point where you feel you need someone else just to feel whole -- that is a danger sign.

I am concerned for you because this may indicate a diminishment in your own self-worth.

Snow, you are a beautiful child of God, as each and every one of us are. The hard lesson we have to learn is that there is no other human being on the face of the Earth that we need to be whole. The only being we need to complete ourselves is God Himself -- and without that Relationship (big "R", please note) we cannot be complete, not really ...nor can we complete someone else.

I wish I had known that long before now.

So if this is how you are truly feeling, to this degree, then I caution you to please tread lightly. Your H may or may not be sincere in turning a new leaf. But either way you are very vulnerable right now.

I am praying for you, dear friend.

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))


Me: 49
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See here is my problem. I do not want him back. I guess the reason I came on this morning is to find some sort of support for the fact that I feel very weak because I am lonely but in no way see a future for my M. I feel that I am being worn down by the fantasy of things that I wanted for so long, and because I am currently "alone" working on it seems like a good alternative.

The problem is it took me a long time - forever it seems to decide that this R was over. I am so afraid of being sucked back in.

Maybe this is not the correct forum to be discussing how to avoid a relationship, but I guess that is what I am looking for.

Really - I do believe that my H wants the M that he sees that he has done things wrong, however, it has been a year, a year of lies, cheating, emotional and sometimes physical abuse. It has been a year of being degraded and of watching my daughter suffer through someone who just could care less. So then I think - does it matter that he knows now that it was wrong? Why would I want to put my life and my daughters back in the hands of someone who could hold them with such little regard, someone who is capable of these things.

But like I said, I also believe in love, and I want to be loved and have someone to care about me and am afraid of settling because I do not have that, and I do not have that because I hung on to this for so long.


Me~34
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What NoCode said. That was beautifully and eloquently stated.

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Hey, Snow. I agree with what Puppy said. I also think your H should be willing to do some MC with you or Retroville or something like that as well to prove he's serious about this. Karen


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Originally Posted By: Snow White
See here is my problem. I do not want him back. I guess the reason I came on this morning is to find some sort of support for the fact that I feel very weak because I am lonely but in no way see a future for my M. I feel that I am being worn down by the fantasy of things that I wanted for so long, and because I am currently "alone" working on it seems like a good alternative.

The problem is it took me a long time - forever it seems to decide that this R was over. I am so afraid of being sucked back in.
Maybe this is not the correct forum to be discussing how to avoid a relationship, but I guess that is what I am looking for.

If it matters, I understand completely. This is how I felt EXACTLY. I decided to give it a chance. We didnt have any history of abuse etc. There was no safety issue for me or my kids (he has been a great dad). We were "friends" a year later, comfortable with each other. I wanted to make sure this wasnt salvable, for my kids and my peace of mind. I still have no idea what the "autopsy" will say. Most of the times it feels "a little too late"... (and he is not living with us yet)

I cant give any advice on what to do. I just wanted to say, I understand.
xxx
K


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Originally Posted By: Snow White
The problem is it took me a long time - forever it seems to decide that this R was over. I am so afraid of being sucked back in.


Feels like that statement right there was just calling my name....

Hi, Snow. ;\) I am glad to see you opening up and looking for the support you need. It can be really hard trying to get through it all on your own.

So how does one avoid being sucked back in? Good question. It's happened with me a number of times, and what I have learned from the past few years is this - you must stand up for what you need, want, and deserve. There is no other way, especially with sitches that involve any type of abuse such as yours, mine, and many others here. Settling for anything less will not help you because once your H feels he doesn't have to really try all that hard, he just won't. So what does that tell you about his sincerity to change and make it right with you?

And more often than not, Snow, you have to be VERY firm. Solid as a rock, never wavering. Don't let him make you feel powerless because you are not. You have it all within yourself, and you would be letting him know what doesn't fly with you anymore. He needs to learn, and I like to think of it as giving lessons with tough love.

Anyhow, if it is truly as you say, that you don't want him back, then be upfront with him. If he acts like he doesn't understand, then I would explain to him what has led you to this decision. The emotional, verbal, and physical abuse, how he has hurt you repeatedly with lies and all else, and it is because of all that...not just the infidelity....that you do not trust him. He has given you absolutely no reason to. Words alone are not enough, and a little kind gesture here and there isn't enough either. Consistency is a must.

Mistakes/slip-ups WILL happen though...but it is how he REACTS during those times that will be the key.

(((((Take care, lady)))))


Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
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