It stinks that I can't log on from work anymore. The state has decided that DB is some kind of porn, and I don't know how to go about asking them to change the status for the schools - there is no way to justify it for a work place. Blech. Even if it was there during prep periods
At least I had you all 24/7 when I needed it most! But now I am trying to find time to keep up with all of my friends - I don't want to loose touch!
I am feeling SO much better - I know that this year is going to be great, and that the worst of the shite is in the past. I can't believe I made it! I went to the psych dr today, and she is going to start weaning me off the effexor starting tomorrow morning. Even she said, Hey, you made it through!
I know that there will be occasional triggers and set-backs, some melancholy if I think back to the past for too long...but I am proud of myself for where I have been able to get to. My gratitude list is pretty long.
I visited with old college friends over the vacation - they are so special to me.
At one point, she said to me: Donna, you were in love with a persona. She couldn't believe some of the things that X had done, and are only now starting to come into focus as really bizarre to me.
Case-in-point: One month after the initial ILYBNILWY bomb, he takes the kids and I, PLUS his mistress and her kids, all down into NYC to see the tree and the sights for XMas. Her smallest rode on his shoulders, our two girls held hands the whole time, I ran her second youngest through the crowds to a McD's to get the bathroom before an accident. He had been sleeping with us both since July. HOW did the two of them accomplish that?! Even the psych's jaw dropped at that when I recounted it to her today.
So, a nagging fear I have...will I be able to tell when someone is being authentic with me in the future? Do I have them go through a psych eval first? I mean, this guy was good - played roles his whole life, melded into whatever others wanted him to be, so everyone around him thought he was wonderful and adored him. NO ONE saw this coming, especially from a man as "moral and upstanding" as him.
Anyway, I am going to continue the email-only contact. Part of me would like to at least get a working R for the kids, but I think that is my subconscious playing tricks on me; another ploy to get my "drug of choice." This is the place that keeps me the healthiest, so until some unknown date in the future that I might be strong enough to resist any pull his act might have on me, I am staying put.
My son and I did a Clean Sweep on his room on Saturday - completely emptied it, scrubbed it, and only put back what he loved. (You would not believe the mess and crap that a young boy can accumulate around the edges and under furniture in his room!) When he was putting things back, he said he didn't want the pic back of all of us at XMas about 5 years ago, or the one of just his dad. He put up pics of me, and our pets, instead. Made me sad. But it is what it is. You don't get to pick your parents.
I hope to catch up with everyone as soon as I can. I hope that you all know that I think of you, have been inspired and lifted up by so many of you, and are indebted. I hope and pray that we all have a much better 2009 - and that we have the strength and heart to make that happen!
You sound great! It was fun to meet you in person. You're a sweetheart and good things will come your way! We had dinner the week before I met the woman in the gym! Who would have guessed?
to answer your question, no, you are not a mind a reader and you won't be able to tell, I'd like to think we are wiser at this point after so much crap we've been through, but again, nothing is for sure in this life. I'd like to leave that uncertainty in God's hands, I pray that if I ever have a man in my life let it be a man who will never harm my kids in any way, and that if it is not God's will and if suffering will come by marrying a certain someone then for me to stay single forever... for the Lord to fulfill my every emotional need.
We'll do just great babe, visualize it, believe it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Oh Donna, I'd believe the crap build up in a teenage boy's room. Marc's room is such a pig sty and disaster area that I'm afraid to go in there. I have to take trash bags in there and start clearing it. I've been trying to do that for 2 weeks now but can't find the time.
Hope your day is good.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
When he was putting things back, he said he didn't want the pic back of all of us at XMas about 5 years ago, or the one of just his dad. He put up pics of me, and our pets, instead. Made me sad. But it is what it is. You don't get to pick your parents.
hey Donna..has he had any C to deal with his feelings?? I'm just curious..
Yep, Mike, he sees her occasionally (about once a month). I think I'll get him back sometime next week...
I had another "click" tonight...I think I missed documenting the last one (I'll have to go back and see), but for tonight:
I cried hard for about an hour. I had sent an email to X, asking him to please pay the town taxes he owes so I can get my car registered. This was his response:
Quote:
please, i know when the taxes were due. i also know that your reg was up in oct. i am hoping to have them done tomorrow, i will let you know for sure.
thanks
Now, knowing him as long as I have (had?), I can "hear" the anger, the contempt. It just made me so sad. I started with some if-only-ies. If only I had been able to love him more than I loved myself while the sh!t was happening, really not be selfish, then I would have loved him enough to let him go, respect his choices, focus on myself. Let go. Damn, I clung on so hard and so long. I hurt myself, I hurt and frustrated him - the resistance. I know why I did what I did - I hurt so incredibly much, I felt like I was dying, that it was life or death. I honestly believed that I would die without him, and almost did (but for my two children). But it was with little to no regard to how he felt. I just wasn't strong enough to put him before me and my feelings. I took the "to death do us part" piece, two flesh become one, too literally. He told me once that he had let his gf go, when she was trying to decide whether to save her own marriage. That's what he wanted from me, that's what he asked for. He still wanted me in his life, just in a different way.
I just couldn't. Or wouldn't, I don't know.
I keep thinking of that stupid quote, If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours in the first place.
Why couldn't I get this so much earlier? I find myself thinking that the end result of all this was mostly my fault, all over again. So many people were telling me what I should be doing, and I didn't do it. My weakness doomed it.
Another thing comes back - I may be "right," but I'm also the one who is alone. I was so certain that I knew what was best for us, for him. I can understand how he felt disrespected, why he got so angry.
I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to carry anger, or hate, or resentment around for the rest of my life. Having a feeling of superiority and labeling him crazy, or anything else, just seems like a lame way to make me feel better. I can't have him, so he must be so messed up that I don't want him, anyway.
I remember back to reading the testimonial of the guy who was always empathetic to his confused wife, helped her locate an apartment and move, etc. He showed her that he loved her more than himself.
My weaknesses, my fears, my emotional immaturity....I couldn't fathom doing that. Maybe if I had really loved him, for him and who he was, I would have been able to.
The same lack of boundaries that made him feel taken advantage of, also prevented me from seeing him as an individual who also had the right to make choices about what would bring him happiness, choices about his life. Meanwhile, I became a child, stomping my foot and yelling No!
When I finally stopped crying at 7, I wanted to go out to the car to tell him all this when he came to drop off the kids at 7:30. I wanted to tell him all this, and how sorry I was, and that I didn't want him to be angry and hate me forever. That I really do hope he is happy, and that she takes care of him. Thank God I didn't.
I lost so much. I know that is of little use to look backwards, but I only want to learn what I can about myself so I can move forward. It is only in dreams when the last two years are erased (except for the knowledge gained) and he is home. Then I wake up, and deal with what is, today.
I have learned so much, but at such a great expense. And my children will suffer for my lacking.
I don't ever think I have posted to you, but I have followed you for awhile and I love your posts. I love the way you write and the way you are so candid about your journey, and what has gone on in your situation.
What you describe here, this "click" that you had, is an amazing thing. So many people never get to this place. This place of grace and compassion and empathy. To be able to see your H's perspective on this...in the face of your frustration and anger in wanting to get your car registered, you instead confront how you have contributed to his anger and frustration. To push away the inclination, dare I say, the need that we often have to make them the bad guy, to make them the crazy one, in order to elevate us to "right" so that we can feel good about ourselves again in the face of so much pain.
It's such a hard, hard thing to do...to find grace, to find empathy...but it's the only way. The only way to forgive, our spouse and ourselves. And that, in turn, is the only way to truly heal.
Right about so very much in that post, but wrong on one point.
Your children will BENEFIT from your what you have gone through and your growth. You are the one that is growing past co-dependence. You are the one who can show your kids how to live in a different way. I don't think XH is there -- my bet is that he traded one co-dependent R for another.
Because of you, your children have MORE of a chance to be more whole than they ever had before.
