TxMom - how to get through the pain #3 post

[PositivelyMommy]

{{TxMom}} Amy is right again. Avoid him till you can calm down. If there is a chance, you can even say to him, it's a little difficult to be around you right now, I need some time to myself. Then drop off the girls and do whatever you like.(Why does he get time for himself and you don't?)

Remember, this man is in a fog, he is not acting himself. That's why his words and memory doesn't make sense to you. Accept it. Don't fight it. It's a fight that you won't win. So just accept it.

Like Amy says, you are not responsible for his relationship with his daugther (what my DB coach says also). It's high time he took responsibility for that part of his life. You can't protect your kids from everything in this world. I know we want to but we can't, least of all their father. So just try to distract, distract, distract. Plan good times for you and her, build up YOUR bond stronger so she knows you are there for her 100%. She needs that reassurance now. She will feel that she can count on you no matter what.

Regarding Christmas, if he comes over, that's great. Your daughter will benefit from this. Don't take it away from her. Your H will have mixed feelings of this holiday because he knows he has screwed up and don't really know what to do or how to fix it. Again, if he is unsure of himself, it's a good thing for you because it means he is still undecided. It is only when they are ULTRA happy that you have to be wary of since that means they are in la-la land in love with their fantasy world.

Reality injected into his Christmas is a poison that will affect his A. A good thing. Just look at it that way and your Christmas will be much better. The more calm, at peace and happy you are, the more he will be unsure of his choices. Another good thing. So are you really faking it? No. Don't look at it that way.

You are fighting tooth and nail for your family. You are fighting smart. You are using your intelligence to win back your H. TxMom, I know you can do it, babe. We'll do it together this week. Let me know how you go!

[TxMomw/2girls]

thank you both...


I already feel better tonight and I'm going to make plans how I want the days to happen if H decides to join us then great... if not so be it. I'm glad I didn't call him back b/c I knew I wasn't in a good place... I think I'll be fine tomorrow, or better.

PM we do need to keep checking in this week... I want to see how Christmas goes for you too.

going to bed... back on tomorrow

[hope3343]

Hi Txmom
wishing you a peaceful Christmas. We leave tomorrow to see family. Need to get away from the whole situation. It has been such a sad time. Glad I have no opportunity to see H.

My internet use will be limited but you will all be in my prayers. We will get through this.

I think after the New Year will be worse because I know my H wants a D and from the way he is speaking he sounds like he has already spoke to a L. He is totally into this OW and think she is the answer to his life. One day at a time. Time to make some difficult decisions.

God bless.

[PositivelyMommy]

{{TxMom}}

I don't know if you have noticed but I want to point this out to you.

When you first came on this BB, each triggering event took you days, even a week for you to recover.

NOW, you take a day, half a day to recover.

Aren't you proud of yourself, of the progress you have made?

You are getting stronger everyday.
Merry Christmas!

[TxMomw/2girls]

PM - great observation.... I have noticed as well that I bounce back much quicker than usual...

My H is coming over tomorrow Christmas eve we are going to Church, then dinner, then going to drive by and look at Christmas lights... and I guess Christmas day he'll be over too... My brohter is joining us so first time my H will be around someone in my family... interesting.. I might need a shot of booze before church

touch base soon

[Little Engine]

TxMom--It sounds so wrong with all this chaos to say "Merry Christmas," but thinking of you and your girls. Continue to be strong for them. Peace.

LE

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi TxMom, how are you holding up?

[RobD70]

Hey TxMom,

You sitch is not much different than my was with my W. She said almost the same things your H said and meant it at the time but after a couple of months ended up doing a 180 (it was not all puppies and rainbows though, she left again for the OM 6 months later then is back again after another month and dumping the OM for good, supposedly…). It takes some time for them to get past the negative thinking stage about your M but they will get there. I think it’s best to go as dark as you can so he has time to really miss you and for the honeymoon stage from the OW to run it’s course. I learn that if they come back and they still have feeling for the OP then they can easily relapse like mine did.

Relationships from affairs have about a 97% failure rate for the first 2 years. This is because the foundation is based on cheating and lies, it’s a rebound relationship, and at least one party is a known cheater (or else it wouldn’t be an affair) so there will always some trust issues. Then there’s the sacrifice that was made to be in the relationship that ends up being no better that the old one so resentment for the OP ends up becoming an issue. The WAS first blames their W/H for all their problems and sees the OP as their savoir. Once they are with the OP and the W/H is out of the picture they notice their life still sucks (and there’s guilt) so they then start to blame the OP for all their problems. They rarely understand that it’s THEY the WAS that is the source of their own problems.

For you, I'd say go dark as much as you can, when you do have to talk to the H act happy like your life is great (this will really get him since he’s struggling right now) and “as if” you are 100% content with how things are right now. Do not get into any fights with him over anything and go out with friends when you can. If he thinks you are going out with guys or that guys are wanting to date you then all the better. He needs to realize he can lose you for good which he doesn’t right now. You are a security net for him and you need to take that away so he can really think about his choices. Always be nice but don’t go out of your way to help him.

You are doing good and don’t be surprised if one day down the road he’s begging you to take him back. That day is usually the day you get over them for good and don’t want them. Some people only learn their lessons the hard way.

[TxMomw/2girls]

LE and PM.... thanks to you and MERRY CHRISTMAS ...

I survived.... H spent Christmas Eve and all day Christmas with us ( of course b/c OW was out of town so he had no where to go)

Christmas Eve was nice and actually had a good time laughing etc.... my brother joined us and it was fine. In church when you give thanks and peace to others he leaned over and kissed me (he was going to kiss my lips but I turned my face to kiss the cheek.. we smiled) little awkward.. he was being sweet to me, looking at me alot, patting my back when I was coughing just like good ol times.

Christmas day was fine .... we played tennis in the after noon and had a good time (something we use to do alot) while our girl played with her new toys at the park.. Later that night we drove to look at this neighborhood chritmas lights and he mentioned an old friend was in town this past week and he got together with him... I said I guess you shared with him our situation... H said "yeah I told him" I asked" what do you tell people" he said not much but that this guy straight out asked if there was someone else.... my H said yes ... my H wouldn't elaborate.. he said most people don't say much and some guys will ask if there is someone else...

I am positive that right now there is nothing I can say or do that will snap my H back to reality... it will have to happen on his own time.. the guilt or pain has to be too much for him .... he does not want to look at himself... My goal at being nice and "as if" is to not give him any more of a reason to justify why he left or give him another reason to Divorce me.

He saw another lawyer a week ago I saw it on our charge account so I'm guessing I'll get filed here in another couple of weeks. I still can't believe that this is happening.... that this man walked out of our lives without an ounce of effort to work on our marriage. When will I get to the place where I want the Divorce and where I'm OK with this path my life is going.... I am stronger now b/c I have grown with my faith and know God is watching out for me but when I saw the lawyer charge my heart skipped a beat... I was surprise how that effected me and made me so sad. I think my H wants the D so he can quit saying he is separated and living in sin. what a joke.

Overall, the holiday was good and I'm glad I pulled it off for my kids to enjoy and left my H with good feelings about it.

I will check up on all of you through the weekend...

[TxMomw/2girls]

Rob - thanks so much for your post... Have you posted a thread and if so where so I can read your story... I really need sucesses right now.

As I mentioned my H is probably going to file here soon so not sure how much time I have. Sad thing is I know for a fact in my heart any problems we had in our marriage was completely fixable.

I also agree with what you said how the OP ends up being the object of there problems eventually. I often wonder how my H can even look at OW ... knowing that she did this to his family .... but my H honestly thinks or tells himself that we would have ended up Divorced eventually... that he was that unhappy... wouldn't I have been able to tell if my H was really that unhappy???

Rob - fill me in more on your story.. how long was your wife out? how long did the affair go on and did she think she loved the OM?? love to know more...