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I just got back from watching my son play the cello in his concert. He had a solo. It was amazing.

I don't feel so...weird, sitting alone anymore. I realized about half way through, that X and D were about a row behind me, 5 seats toward the center. At least he didn't bring the rest of them; I had been concerned about that. I can save that worry for another time.

I avoided him. After the concert, my D came over to me and wanted to visit with one of her old teachers who was there. She said bye to her dad, and we both got to catch up with one of our favorite people. She is the music coordinator, and had nothing but praise for both of my kids. It was nice.

The kids have gotten good (too good?) at going back and forth between us, making sure that they take care of things so we don't have to talk. They got their stuff and met me back at my car, then we were off to ice cream to celebrate.

All in all, things went very well tonight, especially given the mood I was already in. I see him, and I see the person who I was in love with, yet I know that it is an illusion. It is so hard to describe...I can close my eyes and see the outline of every smile line on his face, every scar on his hands, hear his heartbeat. But from a distance.....

I know that I will never be that close to him again, to see the details, to hear his heart, to be that intimate. And the thought is sad. I think that was the other realization today; that I will never share those things, so many things, with him again. We will not touch or speak as spouses again.
I remember how many times I clung to him when things were terrible - when D had her surgery, when my parents died...even the daily touches. And it is still when I miss him most, when things are hard. I can look at today and see I have been feeling overwhelmed, afraid that I can't do it all, that I will fail. Working without a net, and not feeling well physically didn't help. I not only have to learn how to be single again, but to be on my own for the first time in my life - a delayed adolescence. Self-reliance.

So, time to reflect on what I have, be grateful. Look at how far I've come. Make my list of all the damage that can't be undone. Make myself see the way things are, today. Remember all the positives.

I know the drill. But there is still some thread, somewhere deep inside me, that is fighting the letting go. IC said that when someone dies, there is a funeral- closure. That I need to find that sense of closure.

I wonder if every blip on my radar screen will bring these memories of him, of what I lost, back to the surface, over and over again. If I will ever really get over him. Can you get over someone who was in more than 2/3 of your life, and fathered your children? Or do you just go on, in spite of it all....

Last edited by Donna...Found; 12/18/08 02:48 AM.
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Quote:
I wonder if every blip on my radar screen will bring these memories of him, of what I lost, back to the surface, over and over again. If I will ever really get over him. Can you get over someone who was in more than 2/3 of your life, and fathered your children? Or do you just go on, in spite of it all....


Very profound thoughts Donna. I wonder the same thing but then realize that I have to go on in spite of it all because of Marc. He is my only reason for existing now. I live with hope that someday I will find something for myself, that makes me feel happy again but for now I'm ok with what life has dealt me.

God is watching us Donna and He is smiling down knowing that we have a choice - seek His arms and His strength and succeed because of it or grasp at the things of this world and glory in the life we make for ourselves and fail miserably.

I don't know about you Donna, but I'm all for letting God hold me up so I can't fall on my face again. How about you?


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Quote:
Working without a net.


That is exactly how I feel too -- b/c except for my precious older son, everyone else is gone.

It is very scary to be without the soft landing...and someone's strong shoulders to rely on. People who have a support system just don't get it.

You are truly doing SO well. It takes a very long time to become more comfortable with the new role and reality. But you will succeed.

And, in truth we are never without a "net" b/c God really is always there for us...we only need to ASK for His help.




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(((Summer))) that was a wonderful post.


Me 54
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Donna,

You are doing remakably well. They are really "dead". The people we married are not there anymore. They are long gone. They are just mannequins. Unfortunately, I don't believe they will ever look back on any of this with a regret. Your XH's "new relationship" is frought with peril for him. Good things happen to good people. The woman I'm seeing now had told me that she had given up on ever finding anyone, but never lost hope that it would happen. I feel the same. One day, when you're least looking for it, it will fall out of the sky right on top of you! Easier said than done, but HE'S GONE, NEVER LOOKING IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR!

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The kids have gotten good (too good?) at going back and forth between us, making sure that they take care of things so we don't have to talk. They got their stuff and met me back at my car, then we were off to ice cream to celebrate.


probably a small blessing for you right now?? Maybe..I think it is..maybe it will help break that last little strand of thread.

your alright Donna..you can do it..I did it long ago and now I do it again..

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interesting horoscope...

Quote:
Your curiosity usually sends you in some interesting directions, but right now it looks like your quest to know everything has led you down a path that just might be a dead-end street. Today, stop asking why. Probing into a mystery will only gives the mystery power over you, so don't try to figure out why things are happening or what's behind someone's new attitude. Just get comfortable with life's ambiguities and enjoy the mystery of it all.

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Wow! That really says it all doesn't it?


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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My X's birthday was today. He called on the way home, driving in the storm, to ask if he could keep the kids a little longer tonight, since he was running so late. I said of course, wished him a happy birthday and hung up.

The kids went there and were home soon after, a little later than late (about 9). I was napping on the couch. They came in all excited - a young couple on the street had invited them sledding! They dragged me out, and from 9-10, we were all sledding and snowboarding down the street. The kids and the "big kids" had a snowball fight while I went inside to make hot chocolate. It is the first time they had been over; nice, very young (early 20s). I lent the girl a big comfy sweater, and they just seemed so happy. It was a wonderful night.

They stayed about a 1/2 hour, then the kids and I watched a movie. D9 fell asleep in my lap. The lights on the tree twinkled, and the smell of the branches just fills up the room. I got them to bed, and now it is quiet again. The snow is still falling, my house is warm, my children are home, and all is good.

***
While I was going in to make the hot chocolate, I stopped by the in-laws apt for a minute. Mom said that yes, X was going to her mother's for Christmas. I said that I had thought about it....and while it might not make anyone else uncomfortable for me to be there, I just didn't want to set myself up for anything, not on that day. Maybe I'll be in a different place next year, maybe it wouldn't even make a difference this year, but I am not willing to chance it.
Dad said not to worry, they (in-laws) wouldn't be going, either. Then he went down the hall. I just told mom that I am so sorry. She said, for what? I said, I know that I can't do anything to change it, no one can...its just sad, and I'm sorry that they are going through this. It was always Dad's favorite time of year, one when it was so very important to be with his kids, all of his kids. And now, he won't see any of them. What a mess my X has made....I wonder if he will always think it was worth it, if he will ever see it. What a shame.

As for me, I'm really ok with it. The kids and I will stay at home to play with our toys and gifts. Maybe we'll even carol or something else cheesy. Tomorrow is a home day, time to sleigh and play. Sunday we will go to Staten Island for my Aunt's 70th surprise birthday party (if the weather isn't too terrible).
I know that my life, our life, is going to be good.

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Its been a busy and productive few days. The kids and I even finished shopping for the little boy at my school who we "adopted" this year. He is in kindergarten and likes red. So we got pants, shirts, some sweats, hat and gloves, shoes, a few board games and these new bokugan toy things (like Pokemon). My church had given me $100, and I just about matched it with a "bonus" that each teacher of this school got from a foundation for the work we've done with the kids. A little for my family, a little to give away. I wanted my kids to see us helping others, too.

D and I baked cookies while S went to his scout party. We had a good time with that again, too. She loves to decorate them more than bake them.

Work is good; lots of good people, hugs and cards. The PTO bought the staff a nice lunch and I got to visit with some friends. I taught most of my classes how to make 3-D snowflakes (they are easy but have a big visual impact).

One wrench today:

Great-grandma called. She wants me and the kids to join them for Christmas.

What a spot. She said that she would understand if I didn't go, but that I had to face him sometime. Her and the other sibs just don't talk to him about it, she said - they just have nice visits. She wanted to make sure that I knew that I was wanted there, that I was missed.
I don't think she has a clue as to what he really did to me. I did wonder out loud if he realizes how the family sees them, now - the gf as the manipulative, family-destroying b!tch (other's words), and him as the fool who fell for it. Grandma just said again that she didn't talk to him about it, or her - she never came up. They just "have nice visits when he comes over."

My IC has said before, hey, this is part of divorce. Why go down and feel uncomfortable, and let him off the hook for not having the kids around? These were his choices, and he should feel the natural consequences.
I'm not out to punish him, though....but I don't want to have to medicate myself just to get through a holiday that I am ready to enjoy!

The man threatened to kill me. He left me for dead on more than one occasion when I was in crisis, suicidal. A huge number of other really terrible things.

I am trying hard....I think I have forgiven him these things, accepted his behavior and choices (as I have my bi-polar sister's - both of them react out of where they are, and choose not to get help or look beyond the driving forces of their thoughts). But that doesn't mean that I want to open myself up for any other interaction, either. He has shown what he is made of, and I'm not interested in having that in my life, and he has no interest in changing.
Facts: He is a liar. A pretender and actor. An adulterer. Selfish. A self-entitled narcissist with a huge false self-ego covering up for low self-esteem.
And his is an unexamined life. He will stay right where he is, twisting in the wind, unwilling to do the hard work. Probably forever.

I can forgive him for that. (I think of that quote, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.")
But that doesn't have to mean that I become his friend, or talk with him, or do anything just to make it all ok for him, for anyone else but me.

I feel badly, but I have to look out for me. I've seen that no one else is going to do that for me.

Anyone want to weigh in?

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