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A Message from Michele
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*Should I fight custody?*already signed sep.agr #1664365
12/03/08 03:07 PM
12/03/08 03:07 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
East coast
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cat03 Offline OP
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cat03  Offline OP
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this whole thing with my son and stbx's gf has me unsettled and I want to do something!! my son is utterly miserable.
This is the sitch in a nutshell

March• legal sep. signed, visitation set up while he was with then single no kids ow

Aug/Sep• messy breakup with ow, he buys a townhome

Nov 2• Comes to pick kids up with new gf kids have never seen, same night she sleeps over, later on I realize she will be living there for good. My son is horrified, upset and uncomfortable with gf, acting up (he has always been a very good boy)

Nov.11 • s10 tells me gf's kids will be moving in in Jan or so, stbx says maybe in Jan or a couple of months. My kids share a room now, but when they come they'll move my d5 to a room with her d9 and my son will share room with her s6.

The woman bosses my son around all the time, overrides whatever desicion stbx and I make about kids. My son either stays in his --for now-- room and sulks when he is there. Stbx says he has to get used to it and that it's his life to live (stbx's) STbx taking his time calling the C he agreed he'd talk to with s10.

My sitter (remarried, has 2 kids, married a guy with 3) told me that in the best of circumstances their kids needed a year to get used to the new family, that I should go to court and make it know that stbx is showing poor parenting decisions that are affecting the children in a negative way, to not let kids go to their dad (I think in her case her new H's ex was a psicho w/knife and that's how they let him keep kids)

If I go to court this will get really ugly, and I doubt they will give me full custody and it might just hurt kids and any chances I have of flexibility with stbx when kids/I would like to see each other. He is a total jerk and will make things horribly difficult. If I loose I won't have a leg to stand on.
Sitter tells me that I still have a chance to do something before D is final.

I did decide to talk to stbx in good terms suggesting I keep kids an extra sunday and wed. night, he already changed his mind about letting me have kids an extra sunday (thanks to gf) so I dont' know how well that's going to go.

I can't resign myself to just watch as my kid is thrown into heck once those kids come over, I know stbx will not stand up for them to gf when problems arise about kids. I HAVE to do something.




Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
Re: *Should I fight custody?*already signed sep.agr [Re: cat03] #1664372
12/03/08 03:19 PM
12/03/08 03:19 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 469
Nashville, TN
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SteveInTN Offline
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In TN there are two documents that cover a divorce w/ children involved. One is the dissolution agreement and the other is the parenting plan. Does you state have something like a parenting plan? In our parenting plan we stipulated there would be no overnight guests w/ people of opposite sex that weren't family members, in other words, a BF or GF.


Me: 43 XW: 41 Kids: 4 (3D & 1S)
M: 17 yrs S: 9/07 D: 6/08
Pre-Sep
D Thread
Re: *Should I fight custody?*already signed sep.agr [Re: SteveInTN] #1664405
12/03/08 03:50 PM
12/03/08 03:50 PM
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Posts: 4,805
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cat03 Offline OP
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Im in VA, I dont' think we have such thing, the legal separation covered everything from visitation to medical care to separation of assets. I sure wish there was such a thing here. So in your state if pretty much illegal to live together with a gf/bf if you have kids? wow, I didnt think that would fly here, there is no shame anymore.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
Re: *Should I fight custody?*already signed sep.agr [Re: cat03] #1664468
12/03/08 04:46 PM
12/03/08 04:46 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 469
Nashville, TN
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SteveInTN Offline
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"No Overnight Non-Family Guests" isn't required here but there is a document where you can list restrictions such as that. My X actually put that one in there, so it must have been standard fodder that her L threw in. Knowing her I doubt she came up with that on her own. I was just saying that there is a facility to specify things like that.

Do you have your own L?


Me: 43 XW: 41 Kids: 4 (3D & 1S)
M: 17 yrs S: 9/07 D: 6/08
Pre-Sep
D Thread
Re: *Should I fight custody?*already signed sep.agr [Re: SteveInTN] #1664490
12/03/08 05:04 PM
12/03/08 05:04 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
East coast
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cat03 Offline OP
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we used a mediator, I talked to a L before and after the mediation, guess it wouldnt' hurt to have a consultation with her, though I've looked around and the info I find is that unless there is neglect, abuse or a big move I cannot modify the separation agreement.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
Re: *Should I fight custody?*already signed sep.agr [Re: cat03] #1664521
12/03/08 05:28 PM
12/03/08 05:28 PM
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Posts: 4,478
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oldtimer Offline
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This is really beyond your control, let it go. Your sitter is not doing you any favors by stirring you up.

STBX is not doing anything abusive. He is in what he assumes will be a LTR and has decent living conditions for the kids. Don't ASSume you know anything about who is making what choices. STBX will do exactly what he wants. He is the one screwing up. He is the one making bad choices. Don't put that on his GF. He may even be saying one thing to you and then doing exactly what he wants and assuming he can let GF play the heavy in your mind. His choices with respect to his kids are his responsibility.

Talk to a L if it will help you feel better. Don't bother to rangle with STBX unless you decide with the help of a L to take him to court.

Stick to the custody agreement. Quit expecting favors, quit expecting flexibility. Stick to the custody agreement.

Quit trying to manipulate STBX into doing what you want. It is not your choice to make whether or not he sees the C. Take S10 to the C yourself. If the C thinks it is critical to talk to STBX, she can call him.

Get out of STBX's life. The kids are safe. You don't like his choices, but they are HIS choices. The best thing you can do for your kids is to respect his space. Leave him alone and butt out until and unless there is a genuine concern about harming the children at issue. The C should be able to help you determine whether the emotional harm of a too-quickly blended family is worse than the disruption you want to cause in the kids' R with their father.

And think about this. A lot of your reaction is still grounded in baggage, anger, and jealousy. Consider DBers you know who are blending families way too early as well. I doubt you think they are evil doers recklessly bent on destroying their kids' lives. For your own sake and your kids, you've really got to get some perspective on this.


Best,
Oldtimer
Re: *Should I fight custody?*already signed sep.ag [Re: oldtimer] #1664547
12/03/08 05:46 PM
12/03/08 05:46 PM
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Posts: 4,805
East coast
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cat03 Offline OP
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Yes, I have to admit there was still some jealousy, I I didn't think so, but it came out of left field when MIL told me she was disgusted how they were making out the entire time he took her to the dr. That primal feeling is there as he was my first and only, but the way he is now I would never want him back, I dont' want him as a man or friend or nothing.

There is anger in me, but not about our dead R, anger about what he is doing to our kids, what with him hoping all will be alright as long as he is not beating them.
I have nothing against blended families, I'm against bringing a woman to live with your kids when they've never seen her before and bringing her kids a few weeks later.

As far as the C, it's be easier for me to just take him myself, but if he takes him perhaps the C can illuminate this moron about what he is doing -- I guess that would be considered as me getting in his business, but if that is possible I'll try to make it happen, perhaps a 3rd party will help him use his brain.

So, when it is time to go to his dads and s10 refuses, do I have to force him to go? perhaps stbx will do it for me, he has no pity for him. MIL was talking yesterday about how she was telling stbx that s10 was a wonderful good boy, he said "nope, he really is not". I'm SOOOO glad that this earth isn't all there is, that it wont always be like this, such a shame that my good boy has a total jack@ss for a father.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
Re: *Should I fight custody?*already signed sep.ag [Re: cat03] #1664556
12/03/08 05:55 PM
12/03/08 05:55 PM
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,369
England
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ACJ Offline
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Quote:
So, when it is time to go to his dads and s10 refuses, do I have to force him to go?


IMHO no you don't force him to gol You let him vote with his feet and then you let H sit with him to find out why he doesn't want to go. It may take a few attempts for s10 to do this and for him to feel brave enough to say what he feels but with love and support he will do eventually. This way you cannot be accused of manipulating your children and therefore inadvertantly finding yourself in court for the same reasons you are considering taking H.


Me 43
XH 45
M 2.7.88
Divorce 7.10.09
Kids D20,S17 & D15
Re: *Should I fight custody?*already signed sep.ag [Re: cat03] #1664557
12/03/08 05:56 PM
12/03/08 05:56 PM
Joined: Feb 2006
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oldtimer Offline
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You have a much better chance of STBX being receptive to hearing things from the C if you don't coerce him into going. Take S to the C. Let the C tell STBX that he really needs to come in. If you want STBX to be able to hear anything from anyone, the less directly connected it is to you, the better.

Again, these things shouldn't even be on the table for s10. The custody schedule is set, stick to it.


Best,
Oldtimer
Re: *Should I fight custody?*already signed sep.agr [Re: oldtimer] #1664559
12/03/08 05:58 PM
12/03/08 05:58 PM
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Posts: 182
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Cat,
I agree with Oldtimer on this one. It really sucks and it's hard to do, but it's all you can do.
Just the best mom YOU can be to your kids. In the end, when your kids are old enough, they will see everything for what it is or was and make their own decisions.
Just do what you can about YOU. Love your kids. Be there for your kids. Listen to them. But unless your children are being harmed, there's nothing you can do about it other than being there for them.
I know it's hard, my sitch is similar in some ways. I've felt like my kids are the only things I can control in this sitch because I'm their mother, and STBX is trying to take that control from me. But I know they are safe when they're with him. And whatever emotional damage he is doing to them, I will have to help my kids with later. But I can only be their mother, and make the best decisions I can for them when they're with me. I can't be their father. And honestly, the more I fight with STBX on anything regarding the kids, the more he uses it to control ME.
So I love them. I'm here for them. And when they get older and see that their Superman is not so Super...I'll be here for them and pick them up and help them heal.
It's hard Cat, but you can do it. :-) (((((hugs)))))


Me- 29
X - 30
M - 7.5 years
Final April 2009
S - 2005
D - 2007


Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.

A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming!
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