Ex's life/Your life

[Briget]

Hi everyone,

I don't post much here any more.But I do read your posts.Most of you have good people helping you.It is nice to have a sounding board and friends to help when your moving on.

I have seen is quit a few post here about how your life is not as good as the ex's.How they have all the money,new love,ect....

I see this as compairing your life and thinking it just doesn't add up to equal.Like they got lucky and you ran out of luck.Well thats just not true.They had a headstart.Your timeline is different.

I have seen where some have said that time doesn't heal all wounds.Well you got that right in part.It's not time alone that heals.It's doing the work.What is that work?

Is it getting a new partner? No that is a byproduct of doing the work.

Is it getting a new job? No.That could ease the money sitch.But it won't make you any happier.

Is it getting a new place to live? No but it is nice to have a place you picked out that is just right for you.

Is it finding a new hobby? No.But it does make the days more fun.

Is it finding a whole new set of friends? No but it helps to have someone to go to when you need to talk.

So what is it that heals the pain.It could be all of the above and learning to love yourself.You can lose everything you have but you still have yourself.What is it that you love about yourself.

At first I hated to be alone.I come from a huge family.I just wasn't used to it.

Now I'm just as content being alone as I am in a crowd.

Learn to love yourself and you will always be loved.

Later Friends
Briget

[whitelight]

Thanks Briget!

Very poetic.

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

Hi Briget
Your post Definitely fits into the DB principles and the fixing of ones self. Actually the removal of consideration for the X reguardless of their financial or social position is in my estimation the best insult one could deliver without trying. The fact that person is no longer a factor in your life (they become a nonperson) in many aspects is liberating. In a sense your are saying to the X 'You are dismissed'.

On being alone I believe you embrased what you feared and turned it into a positive. Courage is meeting your fears and overcoming them and if you have no fear then there is no courage.

[Briget]

In a sense your are saying to the X 'You are dismissed'.


I agree with a good bit of what you say.However not this.I'm not saying anything to the X because I'm more focused on living my life.Finding what makes me happy.

I tried to save my marriage.That didn't happen.You can't force them to stay.

Then I finally stopped focusing on him.Started to save myself.

I'm one of the lucky ones.I have no contact whatsoever with my x.I haven't seen him in what maybe 5 years.That why I was able to detach so easy.It was hard on the kids.But they are healing in their own way.

Later Friends
Briget

[3K451]

Briget, it is so true that is much much easier to detach when you have NO contact with them. I haven't had contact with mine in about 5 years either.

All this talk about GAL sometimes comes across to me as a competition..."what can I do to get attention" from the WAS/ex sort of thing. To me, getting a life meant doing what I wanted/had to do to be happy. It didn't come down to "I'll do this so I can get his attention" sort of thing. But I think I was pretty much done with him when the D was final since he did some pretty lousy and mean stuff. I figured why would I want to even be with someone who couldn't even show an ounce of niceness or respect to me?

The kids do deal with it in their own way. You just have to set some boundaries. Since mine were old enough to communicate with their dad on their own, that made it soooooo much simpler later.

[Briget]

Once I started to focus on myself my ex no longer mattered.

When I was worried that I didn't have as much as him.Whether it was money or love I felt like I was losing.BUT when I started to focus on myself that no longer mattered.I'm not keeping up with the Jones.It's the same thing.I'm not in a race to see who wins with the ex.

Now that I have done the work to make my life what I want it no longer matters what I think he has.In fact I'm not sure what he has.I don't care.

This is my life.I only have this one.Why would I worry about keeping up with him.

We win in the long run as long as we are doing what is right for us.

Later Friend
Briget

[LL44]

Hey Briget, thank you.

I have been struggling because xH and I have our work holiday parties on the same night. I *know* he is bringing someone to his, and I am not going to the adult party for my office. I actually am going to the kids party (we have an adult and a kids party on the same night for my office)with the girls instead. I have been sad because I am dateless (without H or anyone), but then I realized I will be *RIGHT* where I want to be, with the girls.

The rest can come later, when I am ready.

[Briget]

lwb,

Your welcome.This time of year is hard.I remember the pain.This is the time of year to focus on those you love and those who love you back.

Let him have his date.So what!! That may not be where your at right now.Love what you have.

Later Friend
Briget

[KarenMarieS]

When I was worried that I didn't have as much as him.Whether it was money or love I felt like I was losing.BUT when I started to focus on myself that no longer mattered.I'm not keeping up with the Jones.It's the same thing.I'm not in a race to see who wins with the ex.
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Very well said Brig!! You are so very right! I did the same at first I wanted to " show" ex, didnt work, I was miserable trying to put up a facade, when I stopped, things actually started to fall into place,- I have no idea what ex has and dosn't have right now and I honestly do not give a care, I do know I have what makes me happy, and I bet you agree, w/ have our childrens love and respect and ya cant beat that!

[RMG77739]

KarenMarieS,

I am going to be the master of the obvious here.... What many of us here WILL ALWAYS have is our character and integrity...

Can the spouse who has an A say this? Can a spouse who simply gives up say this?

I don't care how much money you have....... It is much easier to make money than to repair damaged character and integrity...

Take Care,

RMG