I could honestly see loving someone else more than I did my H. Differently though, with a more mature love. A love that is built from mutual respect and trust instead of shared experiences and passion. Passion is great but it's hard to build a life on!!!
I hope that made sense.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I totally agree, you can find love again. It will be different. I am not sure if on some level it can't be more than the first time or the love for our spouse (x). Children are truly a blessing and I love mine more than ever but how many times have people had another baby when a marriage is in crisis in the hope of cementing it? It rarely works, I think in many mariages conflict results from the children, it was true in my case, not major conflict but it happened. So finding love again after having had your children to me is very special because it is just for me(you). Passion free from fear of unexpected pregnancy.Love is not a limited quantity, you are not born with x amount it is unlimited and just keeps on growing. You think you will never love a baby more than number one, but then number 2 comes along and you love it just as much .... So many interestig thoughts on this thread. Thanks Gigi
Gigi, for some reason I have this memory that your x was a passive/aggressive guy. Is that true? Often late, procrastinator, withdrawing affection, you never able to do the right thing, simple requests ignored, seemingly never knowing if he forgot or was not listening? Defaulting decisions and then not liking them and not saying anything at the time? Never knowing what the right thing is to do? Afraid that whatever you do will make him mad?
The reason I ask, if that's the case then the way you communicate or not could be learned behavior, both for you and your family.
This might be way off base and if so I apologize. This is the way my x was with me and it is very difficult to deal with them when you just can't win no matter what you do. Could it be a family dynamic? Just a thought.
The reason I bring it up is my ex inlaws had a similar story to your parents and I know by x was so much like his father. Was it learned behavior right down to using adultery as an excuse and maybe later behavior as punishment for unknown crimes? That may be harsh but there are some things I cannot take ownership for. Wonder
But it's really impossible to try to compare the intencity of love one had for one versus what one has for another. What you feel the first time and what you feel the second time are always going to be different because we're different people in different stages in life...don't you agree?
I love Rob very much and our life together is wonderful but Rob will never be the father of my children. It's too late for us to share that experience. That changes things - that doesn't mean I love Rob less, I just love Rob different!
GiGi this is sooo perfect and on the mark! I have tried to explain to others how I feel this time around, when asked Q like do you love B as much as you did X and similar, its hard to explain to others who havent experienced it, and you just put it so perfectly.Thank you!
Last edited by KarenMarieS; 10/26/0807:24 PM.
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
A thought occured to me the other day and this thread came to mind.
I have observed in myself and many others that most of us have what I have come to recognize as a "Fallback Position". By that I simply mean a self-preserving behaviour that we tend to run to when we perceive we are under pressure or threat or pain or desparation of any kind.
Why is this relevant to this thread? Well.... I recognize in myself that when the going gets tough, I tend to go to my fallback position which is trying to figure everything out. I go completely to my head and cannot hear my heart. I overprocess and try to win others to my way of thinking.
I further realize that this is a very self-destructive and relationship-destructive behaviour. I become unreachable because I retreat to my head. Thus the name.... Fallback Position.
I have observed in some others what appears to be other fallback positions. For example.... I have observed some guys I know who have histories of violence as having fallback positions of being the tough-guy. When their chips are down or they are under stress.... they resort to either violence or being super macho or some other manifestation that leaves them feeling or looking tough. Yet does this help them relate to anyone? Not that I have seen.
I have observed in some attractive women who have enjoyed attention for their attractiveness, that when cornered or insecure, they attempt to use their attractiveness to control a situation. Or present themselves as being even more together or attractive as their life becomes more disasterous and painful.
Or funny or sarcastic people who use humour to defend or retaliate. How well does this work in an R?
Am I making any sense?
I also have a friend who is a bit of an intellectual snob. When she is cornered.... oh man... her vocab consists of the most complex words that she uses to talk around and down to people. I can sense the pain and insecurity she is going through at the time and only see her become more distant as her intellectualization of things gets deeper. And thereby push us away. She actually tries to make constructive points but we cannot keep up with the complex logic and vocab.
In any or all of these examples, including my own, the fallback habits are so deeply engraned, we have a hard time seeing them. We are self-deceived in these senses. We think we are making progress but we are doing the exact opposite.
I tried to reason and argue with my X as she was leaving.... to the point where she wanted to leave all the more! And I thought I was compelling her to stay with my well-crafted reasoning and persuasive appeals! In my fallback position, I dont hear anyone! I am not really present. I am trying to control or at least feel safe. This is what I am trying to say! This is the relevance to the thread.
So.... Fallback Positions... make sense?...what are yours?
Interesting thread. Chazz makes a very good point about fallback positions. I too use sarcasm, witty repartees and self-depracation as a fallback position, and I need to stop doing that.
The thing which REALLY got me was how accepting people IN THE CHURCH and her sisters were of my exW's behavior.....
Her sister said, "Affairs happen." EXCUSE ME! If I were out banging some babe from work, would HER SISTER say the same.... I think NOT! They would want be strung up by my balls!
One pastor said, "This happens alot." Hhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm............. If I were in that position, I would definitely be trying to get the person to see both of them were responsible for the downturn of the M. HOWEVER, I would make it VERY clear.... I would say something like.... "You, like many of us were not a perfect spouse..... But what your W did was Biblically wrong....." This is allowing God's Word to judge.....
Anyway, I am done venting...
Take Care,
RMG
Gosh, go away for a year or so and nothing really changes! LOL Same stories. You are sooo right about the church and family not taking them to task.
XW got involved w/ a friend, coworker of mine and member of her CATHOLIC church choir. Nobody told her she was doing something wrong b/c they didn't want to get involved. Priest even said he couldn't say anything to her unless she came to him.
She justified it by saying she told me the marriage was over before she told OG that she had the hots for him. Yeah, 9 hours earlier!
Do ya think if I had told her the marriage was over and I wanted out and then went over to her GF's house and told her I wanted her that would have been okay? NOT!
But as to the original ?...
I did somethings early in our marriage that contributed. But over the last few years I was trying to be a great husband while she was just wallowing in sadness, grief, self pity. ]] I finally have realized that NOTHING I could have done would have changed things. Even if I had ALWAYS been a great husband sooner or later her inherent unhappiness/childishness would have reared it's head.
I'm much happier now. Unfortunately the kids are enmeshed w/ her and her new H (not OG) and don't see me much. Counselor that met w/ us and Daughter actually told me she'd be willing to testify in court on my behalf that they were all screwed up. I did not pursue legal options. Not worth the emotional/$$ cost.
