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A Message from Michele
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Re: Make Time Your FRIEND! [Re: Indigo] #1768529
05/16/09 07:49 AM
05/16/09 07:49 AM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,621
California
M
mkultra Offline
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mkultra  Offline
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M
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,621
California
Don't do it. Ask for more time. If you know your spouse will not file, then be patient. Read DB immediatley.


Me:38 H:39 MLC
M:10 R:23 years
D6 S3
Bomb: Easter, 2007
"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Re: Make Time Your FRIEND! [Re: mkultra] #1768530
05/16/09 07:53 AM
05/16/09 07:53 AM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,621
California
M
mkultra Offline
Member
mkultra  Offline
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M
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,621
California
Time is on our side. I have been separated for over 24 months. Whew. I am in a much better place now than I was last year, but it is still a struggle and I need DB.

I look at my folks who were married for 18 years but have now been apart for 20 and they are still in each others' lives as best friends, just not married. It's weird.

People need to consider how much a spouse is a family member even after a break up.


Me:38 H:39 MLC
M:10 R:23 years
D6 S3
Bomb: Easter, 2007
"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Re: Make Time Your FRIEND! [Re: Dr LOve] #1824145
08/22/09 04:36 PM
08/22/09 04:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 29
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WalkbyFaith Offline
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WalkbyFaith  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 29
Superstar,

Good post. I needed that today.

Re: Make Time Your FRIEND! [Re: Superstar] #1831426
09/03/09 03:02 PM
09/03/09 03:02 PM
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 4
3
35ake Offline
New Member
35ake  Offline
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3
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 4
I've been separated for a week. Long story - will share privately. But, I still have some hope that one day things will turn around and work out. The focus right now are my children. So, do you try to pursue the reconciliation, or give it some time and test the waters later?

Re: Make Time Your FRIEND! [Re: 35ake] #1831557
09/03/09 05:35 PM
09/03/09 05:35 PM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 4,715
Hilton, New York
L
LolaL Offline
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LolaL  Offline
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 4,715
Hilton, New York
Give it time. The first few weeks and months are the hardest. You are raw emotionally and it is heart breaking but focus on you, do things to keep your mind off the situation. For now, your spouse wants the separation, and you do need to respect that. Does not mean that in the future things can't change.

I think, for most of us, we want to be able to live in the past and future. But all you have is this moment. For right now, the situation is what it is. Pursuing reconciliation may only push your spouse further away. So try not to do that, no R talks (either positive OR negative). Have no expectations. Just try to heal. What is going to happen will happen, but if you try to rush things, it will definitely be disastrous.


Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..

Re: Make Time Your FRIEND! [Re: Superstar] #1860162
10/22/09 03:48 PM
10/22/09 03:48 PM
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 7
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braindeadguy Offline
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braindeadguy  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 7
Great post!

I'm in a similar situation. My wife (married 26 years) had an affair with someone who was in our circle of friends. The guy was married with a family and when the affair was exposed he "dumped" my wife and went back with his family. She said that she didn't go out to have an affair but she wasn't happy in our marriage and things "just happened." The guy took advantage of her friendship and her vulnerability. Now she's devastated and can't face me because of the guilt and her still having feeling for the OM.

We separated over a month ago and she moved out. Now I'm a single dad with our 2 kids (19 and 16). She comes over once a week to do laundry and see the kids. She's cordial to me but no affection of any kind. At first I did the usual "pursuing" behavior that Michelle warns about. Now I know better. I've been friendly and warm, but no more trying to move things along.

I realize that (As Mick Jaggar once sang) TIME IS ON MY SIDE.

I know she still loves me (she says she does but in not "in love" anymore) but her love is clouded by the feeling for the other guy and her justification of the affair.

The more I read to more I know that I'm on the right track. She knows how I feel about her so I've stopped telling her. I've stopped the phone calls and the "I love you's" because they were only pushing her away.

We have a date scheduled for the end of November because I have an event that we already have tickets for and she agreed to go with me even when we separated.

I think that's a good sign.

I finally realized after 2 1/2 months (since I confronted her about the affair) that even though I still love my wife with all my heart it's really up to her to want to put things together. She has to show remorse and prove to me that I'm number one in her life, not the memories of the OM who dumped her.

I also know that I'm in control because I am willing to endure and have patience. I will SHOW her my love but not push and not pursue. I will be there for her when SHE calls ME but I won't initiate contact unless it's an emergency about the kids.

I've learned that it's not over until I quit and I'm just getting started!

Hope things work out for you. Any comments are always appreciated!

Re: Make Time Your FRIEND! [Re: braindeadguy] #1862856
10/27/09 12:17 PM
10/27/09 12:17 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 925
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P17 Offline
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 925
Originally Posted By: braindeadguy

I finally realized after 2 1/2 months (since I confronted her about the affair) that even though I still love my wife with all my heart it's really up to her to want to put things together. She has to show remorse and prove to me that I'm number one in her life, not the memories of the OM who dumped her.


When I read this bit a light bulb came on in my head.

I tried to talk to my wife just a few days ago and told her that she had to put herself out there if she wanted something. She had to open herself up and have fear of rejection in order to fight for, and get, what she wants. I was referring to my daughters (her step-daughter) but I was referring to me too.

My biggest mistake, or maybe it wasn't, was to tell her that I had moved on and that I wouldn't take her back. At the time this is what I was feeling and I acted out of emotion rather than thinking. However I actually feel like it's cleared the air slightly as there is no more talk of the M as there isn't one.

Since then I've had a phone call (okay I missed it but she tried) which is a HUGE leap forward for us (the last call I got was probably about 8 weeks ago) and two texts. I told her no more texts unless it's just to exchange facts. The fact she listened was news enough.

I am moving on with my life but will not give up until the ink on the D is dry. But, as you said, it is up to HER to fight for us. I will be here when she wants to do that but I'm not running after her anymore.

Quote:

I also know that I'm in control because I am willing to endure and have patience. I will SHOW her my love but not push and not pursue.


How are you showing her love?

Quote:

I will be there for her when SHE calls ME but I won't initiate contact unless it's an emergency about the kids.


I am slowing getting the strength to do that. It was difficult for a while - a lot of pursuing from me, and also from her (which still confuses me) when I told her to leave me alone. The OM has now moved in with her and contact is now very different.

Quote:

I've learned that it's not over until I quit and I'm just getting started!


I wish you all the luck in the world. I really really do.


Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y
Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010

"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient."
"Delay is the antidote for anger"
Re: Make Time Your FRIEND! [Re: Dr LOve] #1944233
02/22/10 07:28 PM
02/22/10 07:28 PM
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 48
Michigan
S
SweetCyborg Offline
Member
SweetCyborg  Offline
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S
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 48
Michigan
Great quotes and attitudes here Superstar.. the name says it all! Good luck.


Eternal optimist


LBS (me):48
WAW:44
Married:11 T: 16
Separated: 02/10/10
Separated: one year first time, two years ago
Sitch: http://bit.ly/baqySm

Re: Make Time Your FRIEND! [Re: SweetCyborg] #1944683
02/23/10 11:02 AM
02/23/10 11:02 AM
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 48
Michigan
S
SweetCyborg Offline
Member
SweetCyborg  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 48
Michigan
How long do you wait before becoming a schmuck? I often feel (and friends tell me), that I deserve better and would be happy with a woman who really appreciated me.

But I know I still love my wife and we BOTH had more work to do. This time it's only been two weeks, the first time we were separated for almost a year and when we got back, I hadn't read DB.


Eternal optimist


LBS (me):48
WAW:44
Married:11 T: 16
Separated: 02/10/10
Separated: one year first time, two years ago
Sitch: http://bit.ly/baqySm

Re: Make Time Your FRIEND! [Re: braindeadguy] #1983437
04/16/10 02:17 PM
04/16/10 02:17 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 92
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CanadianKid Offline
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 92
Originally Posted By: braindeadguy
Great post!

I'm in a similar situation. My wife (married 26 years) had an affair with someone who was in our circle of friends. The guy was married with a family and when the affair was exposed he "dumped" my wife and went back with his family. She said that she didn't go out to have an affair but she wasn't happy in our marriage and things "just happened." The guy took advantage of her friendship and her vulnerability. Now she's devastated and can't face me because of the guilt and her still having feeling for the OM.

We separated over a month ago and she moved out. Now I'm a single dad with our 2 kids (19 and 16). She comes over once a week to do laundry and see the kids. She's cordial to me but no affection of any kind. At first I did the usual "pursuing" behavior that Michelle warns about. Now I know better. I've been friendly and warm, but no more trying to move things along.

I realize that (As Mick Jaggar once sang) TIME IS ON MY SIDE.

I know she still loves me (she says she does but in not "in love" anymore) but her love is clouded by the feeling for the other guy and her justification of the affair.

The more I read to more I know that I'm on the right track. She knows how I feel about her so I've stopped telling her. I've stopped the phone calls and the "I love you's" because they were only pushing her away.

We have a date scheduled for the end of November because I have an event that we already have tickets for and she agreed to go with me even when we separated.

I think that's a good sign.

I finally realized after 2 1/2 months (since I confronted her about the affair) that even though I still love my wife with all my heart it's really up to her to want to put things together. She has to show remorse and prove to me that I'm number one in her life, not the memories of the OM who dumped her.

I also know that I'm in control because I am willing to endure and have patience. I will SHOW her my love but not push and not pursue. I will be there for her when SHE calls ME but I won't initiate contact unless it's an emergency about the kids.

I've learned that it's not over until I quit and I'm just getting started!

Hope things work out for you. Any comments are always appreciated!


It's post like this that really make me enjoy coming on this board! I have so much respect for everyone here who is willing to persevere to try to save their marriage. To show your wife, who has cheated and defiled the most sacred aspect of a marriage, kindness/respect is an amazing display of true love.

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