DQ, I want to thank you again for telling me like it is. The talk my husband and I had the other day has changed everything. We both realize that it will take work on both our parts, and commitment to R on both our parts, in order to move forward. And I've learned from experience this past week that I can speak my mind and be respected for my opinion. This weekend was the best one we've had in a long time. And last night when I hugged him and said I had a great weekend, he said, "Me too!" Wow! This is huge for him to say something like this!
Its not too hard to stoke the fires without actually making love.
We men are visual creatures. Be eye candy. Its that simple (at least for most of us)
Lounge around the house in lingerie instead of sweats or anything baggy and unflattering.
Be a tease and flash him. Bend over with locked knees. See if you can distract him with upskirt/down blouse shots.
Dont wear underwear, and make sure he realizes that - but without telling him. If he comments, just give him one of those looks you women are so good at giving and let him enjoy the view.
And whenever he approaches, you playfully shoot him down telling him there is a time and place for everything and continue teasing. LOVE your role in teasing him, enjoy the ego boost of his oogling, you are the object of his desire - embrace it!
You will drive him nuts!
And when its finally go time, he will have all this pent up sexual energy to unleash and you will both be smiling in the end
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
Hmmm. See, the thing is, all these things are matters of personal taste. Some are more universal than others, but none are universal. With that in mind, here's what would work on me:
1. Kisses. But not just any kisses, deep kisses. For no apparent reason.
2. Surprises. Surprising a high-desire man with any sexual overture is a challenge, because we think about sex a hundred times a day and certainly every time our wives walk into a room. Surprise him with a nibble at his ear or a kiss on his neck or a hand at his waist a little lower than is generally considered polite, and you'll have his full attention.
3. This may seem really crude to you (or not) but honestly, just walk up and put your hand on his crotch. This leaves him no room for doubt, no room to wonder why you're doing this or that and whether you mean anything sexual by it. Your hand is on his penis. It's clear and straightforward.
4. I've never understood why it is that women seem to pinch butts, but never rub. I palm my wife's bottom and give her a warm, firm rub for a couple of seconds, and I don't know who enjoys it more. Not that there's anything wrong with a friendly pinch or a little smack on the ass.
Funny that someone mentioned the vibrating cock rings. I ordered one the other day. My wife has a very hard time getting to orgasm from intercourse, but tongue and fingers work fine--she needs clitoral stimulation. I plan to wear it as a surprise the first time and see if I can make something new happen.
One thing that has really helped is the matter of presents. She has a very hard time with presents. I'm one of those people who have to give a small gift and a big gift, and at least one has to be a surprise, and each gift should be an expression of what you know about someone. She's always struggled with this. Recently she was extremely proud of herself on my birthday because she had gotten me a table saw, which was something I wanted, and she'd even kept it secret from me! (Actually, she had left it in the back of her van uncovered, so I saw it the day she came home, but I've learned too, and I had the sense not to say anything.)
That was great, but we've come to an understanding that any time she's stumped on gift-giving occasions she can do what she calls "Give you a ribbon." That means she ties a ribbon around herself and becomes my present. I can unwrap her and do whatever I want. It's a cliche, but it's a good one!
The thing I've figured out about gifts is that we have too much clutter already, so I use gift occasions as excuses to go out and do good things together. So for our anniversary, I got her tickets to a Broadway musical she's wanted to see (I liked the book) and we're staying in a luxurious hotel while my sister watches the kids. Her only physical gift is a book about one of her favorite characters; I don't think she knows it's been published. I believe I'm getting a ribbon, so everyone's going to be happy, and we won't have to figure out where to put the latest box of stuff.
OK, its been a while since the forum has been back and running, so I might as well start things off and this is an interesting topic to continue.
Any ideas on "sexy things" that would help motivate/rehabilitate an SSM?
I have two comments based on my personal experience.
First at certain stages of an SSM, I don't think anything that is initiated by the HD partner to get the LD partner feeling sexy will be viewed in a favorable way and it will likely be taken as either a threat or trying to embarass the LD partner.
Thank goodness, my wife and I are past that stage.
Second, whatever you do, it should be tied to the LD partners primary or secondary language of love (Chapman Five Lanagues of Love book). In my case for my wife that is quality time followed by acts of devotion. What has worked for me are acts of devotion foot rubs of 20 to 45 minutes (it can seem like forever!!!! with no sexual overtones) or quality time events, that create special times together such as walks in a park, going to dinner together and talking or a movie and then talking about it.
There are literally dozens and dozens of things that my wife could do that I would find very sexy and inspiring. Over out 39 years of marriage and several years of dating prior to that I am sure that I have let her know what they are and would love her to try any of them.
I am reminded by a comment by David Schnarch (author of the Passionate Marriage) where he indicated that wives know their husbands secret fantasies very well, which is why they have never happened even by accident in years they have been married. If the wife didn't know what the husband wanted and was making sure he didn't get it, you would expect she would be accident do something on his fantasy list at some point.
My wife and I were discussing Halloween the other day and I asked if we should get some costumes and either go out that night or stay home. The response I got from her was something to the effect of "costumes....ain't going to happen, ever."
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Well, Saturday my wife met her friends to go dancing and I kept the kids at home. At about midnight she texted me a message that said, "Danced awhile, got bored at the club. On my way home." It also had a photo: the sign on a local lingerie shop.