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A Message from Michele
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Re: What's going well? [Re: minkerman] #1788359
06/24/09 02:13 AM
06/24/09 02:13 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
sgctxok Offline OP
Member
sgctxok  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
Originally Posted By: minkerman
Originally Posted By: sgctxok
Originally Posted By: minkerman
I will say what worked for me, not what is working wink

The biggest thing that changed my W's perception of who she "thought" I was...

I started acting like a decisive, confident man. Like the way I was when we met 30 years ago, and that I somehow lost. I had turned into a boring, wussy, approval-seeker! ACK! Looking back, I don't know how I got there, but I did. I'm ashamed of my former self.

I used the DR book as my bible. I was the poster child.

I also signed up for DB coaching, and it was fabulous.

Over the months that we were separated, I gradually started getting my own life, and I rediscovered myself, the REAL me.

I started playing guitar again, I started painting again, I went out with friends, and I actually asked a woman out on a date. One night my W and I went out for dinner and I told her I was done, that I was moving on.

The next day, my W asked if we could try again.

Since then, each day has pretty much been better than the last. I am more in love with her than ever, and she tells me she loves me all the time too. The desire, the affection, the touching...it's all back, in spades.

We are going through the uncomfortable (for her especially) process of reconnecting with our friends now.

So that's my story, so far.

Keep it up folks, and here's my last gem of wisdom. The Number 1 thing you have to do is:
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BE CONSISTENT.



THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!!


We often forget that consistent part!!!
Just checking in to say, we are still going GREAT!

A couple of hiccups, but we actually TALKED our way through them.

Good luck to all!!!

M


YEAH!!! That's as good as it gets, M!!!

Keep on keepin' on....AND GIVING ADVICE!!!


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Re: What's going well? [Re: foreverhesaid] #1788363
06/24/09 02:15 AM
06/24/09 02:15 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
sgctxok Offline OP
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sgctxok  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
Originally Posted By: foreverhesaid
One of the realizations that I came to recently did help me alot mentally. I thought, what if my husband was diagnosed with cancer? What if he was schizophrenic or bipolar? Certainly I could expect alot of depression, or times when he didn't seem to know what he was doing. I wouldn't give up on him just because of that. I certainly consider the way he's acting now, having an affair and being totally selfish a mental illness. He is so different from the upright, honest and dependable man I married.
So, patience, patience and more patience. Keep trying those DB techniques.


Dear FHS....

I've been thinking about similar things recently, so I appreciate your perspective. It's an 'every day' thing, isn't it? (or some say, 'one day at a time'....but some times it's one minute at a time)

Thanks,
sg


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Re: What's going well? [Re: mkultra] #1788365
06/24/09 02:17 AM
06/24/09 02:17 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
sgctxok Offline OP
Member
sgctxok  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
Originally Posted By: mkultra
Hi. I am on Month #24 of my separation and , in a way, my divorce is busted but I have no real marriage. My H has never asked for a divorce, but I am still alone. He drops by daily. This irks me but I have not complained or filed. It was only me that try to save the marriage the first few months of our separation.

I think it does work to not bring up divorce or talk about the relationship.

It also helps to be positive. I know a happy spouse is almost impossible to leave, so that is reassuring.

It has also been very smart to never snoop. Some of my darkest moments have been going through his mail. yes, it confirmed his affair(s)?, but it also made me lose respect for myself. Affairs come out into the light eventually anyways.

Overall, I am proud that I have stuck to the main principles of DBing. I recommend it to everyone I see in similar sitches and there are a lot of us, so do not feel alone!

Keep the faith.


mkultra,

I am very very proud of you. You always have stuck to the main principles.

You deserve to be happy, and I believe you CAN be....and WITH your H.

You are no stranger to 'beginning with the mind of a beginner'....but I encourage you to do it....AGAIN....with an eye to improvement.

Are you game?
peace,
sg


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Re: What's going well? [Re: 2inlimbo] #1788366
06/24/09 02:18 AM
06/24/09 02:18 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
sgctxok Offline OP
Member
sgctxok  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
Originally Posted By: 2inlimbo
I am getting a life. I've dropped 14 pounds since the separation and am running. I'm going out with my friends. I'm praying. I'm organizing and cleaning the house. I'm being upbeat. AND I'm enjoying sleeping in the middle of the bed!!

That said, my husband has said he'll decide in June whether or not he still wants a D. If he wants a D, I'll need to really work on keeping it together.



Great job, 2!!!

How is it going?


(ps--does the ''middle of the bed' include popcorn/bonbons/icecream/wine and/or MOVIES?)

Last edited by sgctxok; 06/24/09 02:19 AM.

sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Re: What's going well? [Re: blueheart] #1788368
06/24/09 02:23 AM
06/24/09 02:23 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
sgctxok Offline OP
Member
sgctxok  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
Originally Posted By: blueheart
Thanks for this post. I am at the beginning of this long journey (H left 2 months ago) and am still feeling my way through the maze of feelings and information. So happy that I found this site and the wonderful coach that I have been working with. Reading stories of success or reminders that patience and calm are so important, really helps me. But the fear is always present, like an illness that I can't get rid of. I have a constant churning of anxiety in my chest and I'm afraid to be alone too much. Trying to GAL as much as possible - seeing friends, taking classes.... but the bottom line is that my heart is completely broken and I miss my lifemate more than I can say. So, I read these kinds of posts and get renewed hope. Thanks.



blueheart....How is it going?


One thing I can tell you.....with DBing.....Your confidence builds and the fear goes away or very close to zero. I've been at for YEARS.......and DBing with God...nothing has made a bigger difference in my life. Nothing.

It's helped me with relationships with my man, my children, my job, and myself (I must have needed a LOT of help wink ....)

If you need more....click 'notify'....and a moderator will help you.


Pace et bonum,
sg


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Re: What's going well? [Re: LolaL] #1804635
07/20/09 01:12 PM
07/20/09 01:12 PM
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 62
Chicago area
J
jacksonbrown Offline
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jacksonbrown  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 62
Chicago area
Lola your post really helped me this morning. Early mornings when I wake up without the comfort of being close to my wife who asked for a divorce 2 weeks ago, but agreed to a 3 month separation after 17 years of marriage and 2 daughters (6 and 9). Anyway, the insights on detachment doesn't mean you're giving up, but only letting go of the pain were on the mark for me. My wife isn't dealing with her issues right now, but wants to date. She is definitely in midlife crises at age 48 and I've been monitoring that forum too. So I have to move on with my life and take care of myself while being there for her, but I can see right now she is trying to keep from dealing with her issues and has only agreed to see our marriage therapist to "talk about how to work with our children," even though she verbalizes that she needs to work on her issues before she can be in any kind of healthy relationship with me or anyone else. In her mind she's already moved on and doesn't give our marriage more than a .1% chance of survival. She's actually re-writing history in her mind and writing out all the good things we had together while focusing only on the bad things. She says she wants to be friends and we will continue to meet once a week and talk about children, bills, etc. I'm giving her all the space and not pushing even though it hurts, I know she needs to do her own thing and explore and experiment without me. I'm praying that the next 3 months she agreed to therapist 2 sessions alone for her and 2 sessions alone for me and then 1 session together will begin to result in her seeing she needs to work on her issues too. I've been working hard on my issues and she wrote me a response letter to the one I wrote this week telling her about my goals and the positive changes I'm going to make regardless of what happens to our marriage. She says she is so proud of me (that's a start), but she also doesn't see herself in the picture with me. That's where I have to practice the kind of healthy detachment you posted. Thanks.
Jim B

Re: What's going well? [Re: jacksonbrown] #1838122
09/15/09 06:04 PM
09/15/09 06:04 PM
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 210
E
Entangled Offline
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Entangled  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 210
Taking steps to GAL have made me feel better about myself. Spending time with my son, watching him grow, just being around him fills me with joy and hope. But it's mixed with sorrow knowing that if my wife does leave, that his world will never be the same.



Re: What's going well? [Re: Entangled] #1849433
10/03/09 02:21 PM
10/03/09 02:21 PM
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 210
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Entangled Offline
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Entangled  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 210
1. I've beaten my anger issues. I don't lose my temper, lose
control, or let my emotions get the best of me. I try to choose my words carefully so they don't make things worse in the heat of the moment.

2. Asking my wife for talking points before a big or important discussion has really helped diffuse the initial emotional reaction and has made these discussions more manageable. I HIGHLY recommend this technique!

3. Coaching sessions with Laurie have definitely helped me get some focus and perspective and have helped clarify my goals. Even though my wife is leaving, I have been seeing signs of change, and have been able to meet many of my short term goals.

4. The Separation Diet sems to be working, I've lost 10 pounds this month!

Last edited by Wont give up; 10/03/09 02:21 PM.


Re: What's going well? [Re: Entangled] #1902308
12/27/09 03:03 AM
12/27/09 03:03 AM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,350
M
MHL Offline
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MHL  Offline
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M
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,350
What's working well?
Time, as it goes on I find that the down moments don't last as long and that I can control moments instead of them controling me.
Acting as if everything is okay, even when I disagree with what she is saying. Just got to say it a little faster when I do infact disagree, I am trying to make it a natural response until we get to a place where we can communicate more openly and honestly.
Shuting up and listening to her talk, asking about her and actually listening. Making eye contact while talking with her.
Being upbeat all the time, maintaining PMA.
Patience, Patience, Patience. This is working but is hard.
No R talk, no OM talk, no talk about her infidelity no matter what.

What communication is working?
Texting, phone, in person. I prefer in person because I can tell how she is feeling and visa versa.
In person is the best, b/c it lasts a little longer and I get a chance to show her my smile, also get to compliment her on her hair, clothes, looks. Try to say she "looks great" instead of she "looks beautiful" don't want to come across clingy.
Cheerleading, I tell her how much I support her ideas, endeavors and accomplishments. This is one of her love languages, just figured this one out a couple of weeks ago.

Time and Place to Communicate.
She is not a morning person but sometime before lunch is best b/c her meds are working the best then. I don't say that to be mean or flipant but it is true, since she has changed her meds I am starting to see my old wife come back.
She used to not like coming over to the house but the last couple of times she has hung out a little bit.

As we put between us and my last backslide things seem to be getting better, I try to focus on the small positives and not speculate so much on what I preceive as negatives. Most of the time the negatives are things I dream up in my head.


Formerly "missherlove"

Me49 XW49
M17 T19
S16 D20

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison
Re: What's going well? [Re: sgctxok] #1918045
01/17/10 03:45 AM
01/17/10 03:45 AM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15
H
heartnsoul Offline
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heartnsoul  Offline
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H
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15
This thread has been helpful, and gives me hope, for the most part.

I have only just started DB'n, so I have nothing to share about what works to bring me and W together. I can share some things that have helped me stay sane.

-Work. Finding joy in the tasks, having fun with coworkers.
-Stopped going out to bars all the time. I felt desperate to meet someone, and putting myself in the bar scene, still feeling sad, only made things worse. Instead, I go home and do something useful.
-Reading, playing guitar, keeping a journal. Anything that makes alone time feel good.
-Personal goals. Feeling good about getting back into school this fall, and finally getting a degree.
-Reading DR, which gave me a new perspective and hope.
-A long period of staring my hurt in the eyes, and letting myself FEEL it, while concentrating on how to do that in appropriate places, at appropriate times.
-Flirting (not w/ W). Not too much...
-Focusing on what I have to do, not what I want to happen. Whatever the outcome, I will be a better man.

I've been talking about this stuff w/ C for months, but it all seemed to click when I read DR. Writing down all the baby-step goals, and thinking about the individual tweaks in my behavior that might lead to those small improvements made my sitch feel less overwhelming.

As far as actions go, right now I'm continuing LRT with a couple 180's thrown in. I have to do some 180's because I had been executing my LR very poorly before reading DR.

We have to interact because of our S, and now I'm very proactive about setting up times and places for exchanging him. Lately I've been calling instead of texting, because I want her to hear the NRG and good feelings in my voice. I'm being as upbeat as possible, while being careful not to give any sign of attachment to her. At this time, all comm. is about our son - all business.

My only goal right now is to get her acting friendly again. I would feel encouraged if she ever asked me about my day, or initiated any small talk.

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