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A Message from Michele
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Re: What's going well? [Re: sgctxok] #1572127
08/27/08 06:46 AM
08/27/08 06:46 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 100
New Zealand
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kiwi000 Offline
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kiwi000  Offline
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K
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 100
New Zealand
Way cool advice, gives me hope 14 months in and about the same place. going to tell WAW that I'm done and ready to move on, not out of anger but because I have found ME again. Either way, I've come through separation and DR got me through it.


--------
Me; 38
W; 34
1 4yr old S
Married 4.5 yrs, together 9 yrs
Bomb; 15 June 2007
Holiday together Sept 2008; My Dad dies Nov 2008; reconcliation fails Nov 2008

Re: What's going well? [Re: sgctxok] #1572138
08/27/08 07:57 AM
08/27/08 07:57 AM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,410
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istherehope Offline
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Posts: 1,410
What are some of the things that are WORKING for you?

It depends. We've been apart one month now. 2 weeks I was in the same country, and for the last 2 weeks I haven't been. What worked in the same country was to really notice his physical appearance, and how good he looks since he's been working out more. It also worked for me to make fairly big gestures that were 180s for me, even though they weren't acknowledged until recently, e.g. I said I'd be willing to move somewhere for my H, and last week he said what flexibility this demonstrated to him, and how much he appreciated it.

What's been working since I've been out of the country is to never be the first to initiate contact. I let him take the lead. On days where he initiates contact, I usually send one short email that is a kind of 180, e.g. apologizing for something he brought up on a joint phone session, or offering to give him some of my own spending money for his guys' trip. These things haven't been directly acknowledged yet, but with H things seem to take a few weeks to register. I am also matching H's mood. He is pretty somber and depressed at the moment, so I have recently quit trying to be overly enthusiastic, and have answered questions with one-word responses. Usually this means he communicates a little bit more.

Whether they are helping you to keep your sanity, or helping your interactions during your separation?

I'd say the bigger gestures are helping my sanity, but I don't know for sure yet if they are helping the interactions; they are calculated risks. The responding to his tone with the same tone seems to be helping the interactions insomuch as it draws him out a bit.

What kind of communication is working?

99% of the time we have conversations only over IM. He called once, and this was very pleasant, but generally speaking he dislikes the phone.

Does it help to vary the time or place?

Since we're not in the same country, the place doesn't seem to matter. We usually communicate during business hours as this is when we are both online. I would say that on Sundays (another day we usually talk) when we communicate the conversations are a bit lighter, maybe because there isn't the added pressure of being in the office.

Are you talking in person, over the phone, text or email?

Emails go back and forth, but mainly about business things like the budget. I send emails that aren't responded to, but that I think may still be working. We will be having phone sessions with a DB coach, so this is really the only phone interaction. IM is the main medium and it's his preferred medium, and text is only for pressing issues such as needing to know something within the next few minutes, for whatever reason.

ITH


Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years
Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be
S 07/28/08-11/08/08
Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Re: What's going well? [Re: sgctxok] #1577542
09/01/08 09:11 PM
09/01/08 09:11 PM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 3,337
London UK
O
One Day Offline
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One Day  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 3,337
London UK
Originally Posted By: sgctxok
What are some of the things that are WORKING for you?

For my R with H: responding enthusiastically to his suggestions for outings, initiating contact, complimenting him, really listening without judgement or offering help/solutions, not asking any questions about us/him/the R, and NEVER thinking about the aubergine. Asking H for advice, letting H decide on date venues and times, and then complimenting him profusely on his choices.

For me: laughing, working hard, seeing my family, buying new clothes, dancing, singing, eating all my veggies, painting my nails, doing my hair cut, talking to my friends, playing with my niece and nephew, doing DB experiments and recording the results, listening to music, having tidy eyebrows, trying new make-up colours, baking and jumping on my mini-trampoline while I watch soaps on TV.

Originally Posted By: sgctxok
What kind of communication is working?

E-mails (until the S we never used to e-mail. Now we do every day, sometimes a few times a day)
Text (still experimenting with this)
Phone on occassion
Face to face. This works best in general. H is gradually increasing his eye contact (after months of patient waiting and looking at him lovingly). He's also gradually laughing and smiling more.

Originally Posted By: sgctxok
Does it help to vary the time or place?

E-mail is best with a quick response. Any delays get mirrored back.
Face-to-face works both spontaneously and planned
Texts: experimenting with sending a couple at weekends at the moment. This is getting better so I'm going to keep trying it.
Phone: I experimented with a spontaneous phone call to him a couple of weeks ago which worked well and led to a chat followed by a mini-date and H giving me a kiss. I need to try this again at a time when I think H might be free. H calls me less now than he used to so I'd like to improve this area as phone used to be one of our main modes of communication (H is more chatty on the phone than under any other conditions).

Other things that are working:

Being extremely patient
Focussing on my own picnic and letting H deal with his
Trying a bit of flirting. We're playing a game where we have to think of alternative names for naughty bits that H seems to be engaging with and I hope is making him think of me and naughty bits at the same time. Mwahahaha (evil laugh)


Re: What's going well? [Re: minkerman] #1588387
09/10/08 11:34 PM
09/10/08 11:34 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
sgctxok Offline OP
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sgctxok  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
Originally Posted By: minkerman
I will say what worked for me, not what is working ;\)

The biggest thing that changed my W's perception of who she "thought" I was...

I started acting like a decisive, confident man. Like the way I was when we met 30 years ago, and that I somehow lost. I had turned into a boring, wussy, approval-seeker! ACK! Looking back, I don't know how I got there, but I did. I'm ashamed of my former self.

I used the DR book as my bible. I was the poster child.

I also signed up for DB coaching, and it was fabulous.

Over the months that we were separated, I gradually started getting my own life, and I rediscovered myself, the REAL me.

I started playing guitar again, I started painting again, I went out with friends, and I actually asked a woman out on a date. One night my W and I went out for dinner and I told her I was done, that I was moving on.

The next day, my W asked if we could try again.

Since then, each day has pretty much been better than the last. I am more in love with her than ever, and she tells me she loves me all the time too. The desire, the affection, the touching...it's all back, in spades.

We are going through the uncomfortable (for her especially) process of reconnecting with our friends now.

So that's my story, so far.

Keep it up folks, and here's my last gem of wisdom. The Number 1 thing you have to do is:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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BE CONSISTENT.



THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!!


We often forget that consistent part!!!


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Re: What's going well? [Re: kiwi000] #1588388
09/10/08 11:35 PM
09/10/08 11:35 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
sgctxok Offline OP
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sgctxok  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
Originally Posted By: kiwi000
Way cool advice, gives me hope 14 months in and about the same place. going to tell WAW that I'm done and ready to move on, not out of anger but because I have found ME again. Either way, I've come through separation and DR got me through it.



Did you try it? What were your results?


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Re: What's going well? [Re: sgctxok] #1606311
09/28/08 10:12 PM
09/28/08 10:12 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 100
New Zealand
K
kiwi000 Offline
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kiwi000  Offline
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K
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 100
New Zealand
sort of. WAW proposed a 'family holiday' with S3 so I went along, despite misgivings. Made me realise I'm not ready to move along yet, despite finding me so I didn't issue any ultimatum yet. Have been trying the others though and was very succesful in acting 'as if' and doing my key 180s. WAW noticed but seems convinced I've found someone new. I foolishly did not deny it early on so she is convinced I'm keeping my options open and has backed off somewhat.

I did tell her I was still ILWH. Got a blank look as a response.


--------
Me; 38
W; 34
1 4yr old S
Married 4.5 yrs, together 9 yrs
Bomb; 15 June 2007
Holiday together Sept 2008; My Dad dies Nov 2008; reconcliation fails Nov 2008

Re: What's going well? [Re: kiwi000] #1612651
10/05/08 07:39 AM
10/05/08 07:39 AM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,621
California
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mkultra Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,621
California
I love this thread!
This is really what is going well for me:
1. Be a role model happiness junkie for the kids-ssshhh-even if it is fake sometimes. Act happy.
2. Go out that front door looking polished. Hair, skin, clothes look upbeat and healthy. Glow a little. Act happy.
3. Do family things. We went out for family dinner once a week to reconnect for the sake of the kids. I know people set boundaries but this worked for us. Act normal.
4. Do not meddle or snoop or offer too much personal info. Pretend to be classy.
5. Don't judge and take accountability.


Me:38 H:39 MLC
M:10 R:23 years
D6 S3
Bomb: Easter, 2007
"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Re: What's going well? [Re: mkultra] #1625989
10/21/08 01:30 PM
10/21/08 01:30 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 59
Chicago Burbs
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AllW8SBF Offline
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 59
Chicago Burbs
OK need some help - quite embarassing. How to flirt? I have always been this I'm who I am and don't do any of that "crap". But I need to dh loves it, he wants frisky, and fun.
I've been fun in all the guy friend ways, watching football, baseball etc. I need to be girly flirt. I get so uncomfortable and discombulated when I use innuendo, I'll try and he'll just drive circles around me. I'll get maybe 2 levels, - I'll say something flirty, then he'll say something, and "maybe" I'll say something back but, he'll go and want me to continue along with him and I just can't think of anything.
Please someone help. TIA


Jen
Me 32
H 35
Married 8yrs 3/11/2000 - Together 10 yrs
No Children

1st Bomb - 7/1999
2nd Bomb - 8/2004
3rd A - 10/2006
4th A & Bomb - 10/12/08

Done sweeping things under the rug, I need to start doing something...But what?
Re: What's going well? [Re: minkerman] #1647554
11/13/08 05:40 AM
11/13/08 05:40 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 36
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jonny Offline
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jonny  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 36
Wow - that is so great! We just separated 2 days ago, and the way you describe where you got to is exactly what I have been trying to do for myself... but I haven't managed it. You give me strength with your story

Re: What's going well? [Re: jonny] #1678303
12/21/08 03:43 PM
12/21/08 03:43 PM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
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Choosing_Life Offline
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Choosing_Life  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
What is working for me:
Exercise. Keeping my house clean. Organizing my finances. Reconnecting with my religion.

What is working for us:
Not ascribing motives. Listening. Complimenting. (I told my wife she was beautiful last night and she seemed pleased and said "Thank you," which is different because she used to either deny it and launch into a spiral of self-criticism or criticize ME for only being interested in her looks. I'm glad I realized that it's OK for me to think my wife is beautiful and to tell her so... maybe that realization changed something about my non-verbals when I said it!) Helping. (She told me her car was leaking oil, and so I checked it out and got it fixed without her having to ask/beg/nag.) Accepting generosity (she made Christmas cookies and offered me one when I went to her place to check the car).


Me: 33 Her: 39
M: 8 T: 10
K: D15, S4
Separated 10/30/08.
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