Per my H's invitation I invited him to dinner downtown last Saturday. I thought, although it was still dinner, it would be a nice change of atmosphere from our boring part of town. I was hoping to go to the bar upstairs afterwards to have the talk my coach suggested since the restaurant was outrageously loud but he called the night short to do homework (yeah right, at 10pm).
I decided to have the talk in the car b/c I was leaving town on Monday and didn't want to wait another week plus to talk again in person. The following is the convo summarized.
1. I asked about the saving being cleared out and that I wasn't upset but just wanted to know that he took the money otherwise we should call the bank. He responded that it wasn't him who cleared it out (just like he didn't charge up the credit card).
2. I mentioned several of his actions (including that he tells a lot of people that knows he is/was married that he is divorced. His response was that he just didn't want to explain the situation and that we will be divorce but that it was a matter of paperwork)and asked if he was telling me that there was no relationship and was trying to erase all traces of me in his life. He responded that it wasn't that but that he was just trying to transition back to the single life. I told him that I got it.
3. I asked if he was trying to take revenge for me leaving him and if that was the case that I thought it was damaging at this point. No response.
4. I asked if he thought I would be a harm to him b/c people were getting that impression. His response was no.
5. I explained that I wanted to separate the car insurance and phone and set up an account that I would contribute to and he could use for the house (he asked again for me to pay for a bill, the home insurance). He again fought it like he did before by saying that he had no problem paying for it and didn't want me to struggle. I said that I thought he would want to keep things separate and to forward me the bills. He said he would like to keep things sep. and would forward me the bills.
I told him that I need to do some serious thinking but that I wanted clarification before making a decision about what to do next. He asked, "a decision about what? Our friendship?". I told him that I didn't know and he asked that I let him know. I told him that I would. According to my coach I would tell him that I am not ready to talk. Well he called once and texted a few times during my travel about misc. things that he needed for his CHP application. I missed the call and responded to all by text.
I just don't understand why he lies about anything and everything; half of which there is no reason to lie about. ---------------------------------------------------------------
Here is my dilemma:
I haven't contacted him in over a week except to respond to him. What do I do next. His friend is coming the last week of the month and he is leaving with him after a week to go to New York to visit the girl that visited during memorial day weekend and some other friends. He is also going to Greece for the fourth time without me at the end of July(3 of which were for a month, the last of which he turned into Mr. Hyde). We aren't making any progress and his visits with his friends seem to always set us back. With his trip to Greece just around the corner and the result from his last trip I am in a bit of a panic.
My other dilemma: An officer called about his backround investigation for the CHP. I am expected to return his phone call, but I have no idea what they will ask or how to respond.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Goodness... It's gone from 'chick flicks' to Bobo behavior.
For the CHP phone call, I'd call back and tell the truth. The truth as you know it, not what he tells.
What other people say is none of your business. You have no control over it. You can only control yourself and your actions. Walk tall, be proud. Be you!
What would you do if you weren't in the middle of all this and you found your savings account had been cleared out and your credit cards were charged up? That's how I'd be tempted to act "as if".
You have to get to the point where, "You know you are the BEST thing for him, he can't do better, and if he decides otherwise that he is losing out."
So, let him go on his trips. I heard a great quote once, "The person at home dreams of travel, the traveller dreams of home." He misses you, he will miss you while on his trip, and if he doesn't he's a fool.
With the CHP, tell the truth. What else can you do?
Finally, as soon as you (or I) are completely over our spouses, that is when they will want us back. Let's just hope we are still in the DB mode.
Thanks for the advice. He can go on his trips but I certainly will not be there to watch the house and pay the bills for a house I was kicked out of. My coach said it is a common misconception with DBing that we must ALWAYS make the WAS happy and be a doormat. This makes sense. Being a doormat isn't attractive.
Jaw
Originally Posted By: jaw3149
Finally, as soon as you (or I) are completely over our spouses, that is when they will want us back. Let's just hope we are still in the DB mode.
You are absolutely right. It wasn't until he was completely over me that the "fog" lifted for me. It feels like Deja vu. This past year beginning in September '07 (when he dropped the bomb) is replaying like the year before beginning September '06 (when I dropped the bomb).
I am at the point where I am moving on. I will continue to work on myself, pray for my marriage, and DB but I have to let go and let God.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
You have to get to the point where, "You know you are the BEST thing for him, he can't do better, and if he decides otherwise that he is losing out."
That sounds great. If you look at my thread, FG had me make this list that I carry in my wallet now and look at it, reminding me of who is Under the Surface, and on the other side, Who I Was.
It's an instant boost of confidence which centers me, instead of being strung out over everything.
Hey, buddy.. life doesn't get any better than being with your Gypsy... oh yeah.. sing it, baby! uh huh!
The CHP officer called me for a second time. I was hoping to talk to my DB coach before calling him back but I wasn't able to get an appointment for a week.
I called the officer back and said only good things about my H and that I supported his decision 100%. When the officer asked if our seperation was cordial I responded that it was a matter of opinion but did not elaborate.
I haven't seen or spoken to H in two weeks. I received one text yesterday telling me that someone had called for me. This was the first in a week and I did not respond.
Things have gone from good to bad. Our friendship and contact is non-existent at this point. Where to go from here? I still have hope, but I wonder if it isn't all in vain.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Keep hoping and praying. Most days that's all any of us have to hang on to. I think you are doing just fine. What ELSE can you do? He has to miss you and want you back. Without that, we can't force them to do anything. Think back to when you were the WAW and try to remember what turned you back to him. I bet it had nothing to do with him and more to do with you, your changes, and your thoughts. Stay strong and try to absorb some of my PMA. Things WILL work out, maybe not as we have planned, but for the better. I see good things for you HiC. I really do!
hey HIC~ I know sometimes it's hard to keep your chin up...but I hope and pray you are doing just that. I can understand and relate with your frustrations. I feel as if I am in the same place.
take care of yourself. hugs christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
He is back to treating me like a friend. He will be leaving at the end of the month for Greece and of course expects that I will watch the house, the dog, and pay the house bills on top of my own. Our mortgage also went up which he expects that I help out with b/c he will not have the money to do so even with his allowance from the Navy. Then he gets out in September with no job until the CHP academy and will probably expect me to pay the entire mortgage which is my entire monthly pay. He can't afford to pay bills yet he is constantly jet setting.
I took the step and applied for legal separation b/c he has depleted our savings and has me contemplating bankruptcy due to the 5-digit debt he has racked up.
How do I salvage the friendship that we have built while at the same time drawing boundries. I can no longer afford to contribute to bills, watch the house or the dog at the drop of a hat or do other misc favors a wife would do such (i.e. arranging pool cleaning, calling the mortgage company about our increased rate (when he has access to all the information and documents), etc.)
I think that the gravity of his decision will hit him in the weeks and months to come when I stop being a doormat, stop being financially and physically available, and the one to always get things done.
Last edited by HOPEFULinCALI; 07/17/0802:51 PM.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
That is always the hardest thing. You are doing the only thing I know to do....
Set boundaries with consequences, be kind but firm, and leave the door as open as you can. Compared to women's timeframes, I find men to be s l o w to realize their consequences and come around. Slow but -fairly- sure.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
