Walk away wife #5

[Astimegoeson]

You didn't hit a nerve Phil. That was a low point in my life and that's what I did to "medicate" the same pain your feeling. I know it wasn't the way to face it, but that's what I did at the time. I felt sorry for myself and I played the victim. That's a common mistake many of us made/make. We just don't realize at the time how harmful that mind set is to restoring our M or surviving it's demise.

[brandnewday]

Mornin' Phil....

You are definately a word man, and I think you have met your match in Jack and Amy.C.

I am not as quick with the word-game or the profound thoughts, but what I have learned here over the past few years was how to basically save myself, which in some ways was more important to me then saving my Marriage.

I, just like you was also my own worst enemy.

I could not keep my mouth shut, and I refused to listen to reason.

I didn't get it, why was I the one who had to change when it was my Husband who changed the rules of the game and decided to start a new life without me and the children.

I read your blurb about the Prayer Circle, and wanted to explain.
God is in total control of this situation and perhaps it was time for a wake up call.

I have found the closer I get to God, the more trials I face, but they help to build my faith in Him. I don't usually understand why God picks on me so much, but once the trial is over, I usually get a clearer understanding.

The things I prayed for, for you were because you do have to change in order to have your Marriage restored. You wife needs to change too. Phil, you are the Head of your household, you are the leader, which also means your get to go first, so you can lead by example.

One of the things My Husband shared with me once, was that he just wanted things to change between us. He didn't really want a Divorce, he just didn't know if they could really get any better. He didn't believe that anybody could really change.
I set out to prove him wrong!

Many of the things you are describe about your wife sound just like my Husbands MLC antics.

Full on tantrums, and endless texts and voicemails. He wanted me out of his life, so why keep up the communication?

I guess he was like a naughty boy, who keeps checking back to see if his Mommy is watching, much like your wife.

I think I posted to you about you being the authority figure in her life, and that is why you are the target, or rather the scapegoat.

Honey, she still loves you, but it is burried deep down right now, underneath all of the other baggage she has been carrying around for years.

I went back and re-read your threads, and I was wondering if you have actually read some of the advice you have been given. I know you have responded with many smart arse remarks, but have you actually taken any of the advice here on board?

Gotta get the kids ready for school.......

Have a totally blessed day!!!

[TwinDad]

Yeah WWII over stupid laundry. Now she went dark. She isn't talking to me again. That didn't help my sitch by telling her she couldn't do it here. It just pushed her futher away. At least in the evenings with the texting I felt like I was talking to my real wife and not the teenage girl she has become.

Now I'm just not going to do anything. I'm going to just be nice to her. I'm going to interact with her in a positive way.

Phil,

Good re-evaluation and adjustment in approach. I feel this is such an important part of DBing. To try something and watch and listen. If it has the desired approach then continue down that path, else try a different path. As silly as it may sound it muight even be worth an apology of over the laundry, nothing involved, just a quick one etc. In my sitch I tried the dark thing for about a day or two and then it was made pretty clear to me that my methods were not bringing me any closer to my W.

[LostPhil]

This morning was pleasant. I called her to tell her I was droping off son. She was all out of it, so I said ok goodbye.

When I got to the door she answered and looked pretty haggered like she just woke up. I still wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers. She didn't say anything but used the body language that she wanted me to carry him up to the living room and put him on the couch. So I did. I told son to tell momma he had a good night and didn't wet anything. She got in my way as I was trying to leave. I brushed her hair behind her ear. She gave me a hug. I asked her what her plan was with the kids because she starts at four. She said she didn't know who was going to watch them. I kissed her on the cheek and backed off. Then I held her hand and said good bye.

She walked me out and I didn't look back. I only told son to be good for momma as I was walking down the steps.

I almost lost it going down the steps. It only lasted for a couple of minutes. The drive into work was pleasant. Quiet. I said some prayers. I feel pretty good now.

Last night I was watching Pastor Melissa Scott. Now I don't agree with woman pastors and the such because I'm so anal about Catholic dogma and teachings, but Scott message is always about the closeness with God. I guess I watch it for the same reason protestants watch EWTN. The message is about Jesus. I also like how the Scotts examine the language in the bible. Something really rang out. We don't listen to God.

I'm praying to God, and he has given you people as my tool.

[TwinDad]

Hey Phil,

Sounds like a pretty good morning for you!!

In my sitch I would even consider offering to watch the kids for your W if it is possible. It can only win you points and you get to spend time with the kids which is always a good thing. I have done this for my W several times through the Sep, most of the time at her house.....so far it has only yielded possitive results for me. Sometimes, I would even do little acts of love when I was there (load of laundry, fix something etc). I wouldn't make a big deal of it, maybe just mention it. She will notice. It shows you care without having to get into a R talk or put yourself out there.

I almost lost it going down the steps. It only lasted for a couple of minutes.

It does get better....I would lose it all the time (big time) in the beginning of the sep, never in front of her but sometimes very publically.

[LostPhil]

Twindad,

Well I know I'll have the kids tonight, it just the transition part that she doesn't know. She starts at four and I can not get home until after five. I guess some of this is becomming sort of go with the flow. Well that is for her to figure out.

Tomorrow she is going to be off, so this is going to get interesting. She will probally want son to stay with her so that she can sleep in.

TD, I think I'm done with the little acts of love. Fruitless.

I will still do her laundry. I just don't want her to come into the house when I'm not home. Although she is most likely there now. If she comes to the house then at least she can run the vacuum or something like she said she would.

When does it stop becomming about her?

Really I don't even want to talk to her now. She has clearly showed that she isn't looking back. She is clearly showing that she wants nothing to do with me, unless it is to cause drama.

I think I handled the Fathers day thing wrong. I think I handled the laundry thing wrong. I think I handled the come before your shift wrong. Setting boundries, and then I get shut off more. I know she has to suffer loss and I have been making it to easy on her.

She has plenty to deal with. Everyday she has to figure out what to do with the kids. Every week she has to figure out a different schedule because it changes so much. Everyday she has to realize I'm not taking care of her.

Hey maybe what was working was she did show up early before she had to go to work. I know what didn't work, and it took us out of the calm.

This texting thing. This I'm leaving her alone. She can play dark better than I can.

[TwinDad]

Phil,

Sounds good......you are in the best position to see what effect actions and changes have made and know what to do to alter your course. Just don't be affraid to evaluate and adjust your approach on a regular basis if need be. I know I have made several course corrections (major and minor) through this whole process.

Sounds like your W does have a full plate.....figuring out the logistics like that can be a challenge. In my sitch I would let my W have difficulty "treading water" in these situations, but I would never let her drown. It was a difficult and often thankless balance between respecting the boundaries and showing that I cared but I think it has yeilded positive results.

Don't second guess yourself too much, but learn from these reactions and adjust.

[LostPhil]

Hmmmm, this isn't working the way I like it.

She just texted at 12:30 can you pick up kids at moms after work. Somehow I just looked at my phone and saw it.

I just text back yes.

So this is what my life has become. No phone call. NO chit chat. Just her slowly detaching more and more from me.

[LostPhil]

Another text at 2. Can you pick up the kids at 5.

I text: Where?

She text: At Moms.

I text: Yes. Nice knowing you.

I text: (insert name) I love you stop treating me like dog sh|t.

I text: Why do you hate me?

I text: When am I going to get a booty call.


Man I'm such a loser....

[Jack_Three_Beans]

So this is what my life has become. No phone call. NO chit chat. Just her slowly detaching more and more from me.

Yup, what need has she of you, if it's the same old wonderful no need to change you.

By the way,

Debating, usually doesn't involve snide comments trying to show that your superior, more intellectual, or calling someone a bitch.

I also said that you would tell me how to pray if you found out that I did. Hubris.

I'll pray for what I believe you need.