Guilty as charged.. I am a WAW.

[Bridgestone]

I started posting under the 'new forum for WAS' thread.
Here's is my first post.

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Hi
I am a Walk-away Wife. I am 43, he is 46. I have been emotionally separated from my husband of 22 years for about 3 years and physically for a year.

At the time I left him him, he was a work-aholic, angry, verbally abusive, starting physical abuse (towards me only) man. I did not leave for another man, I left so there could be a 'me' to continue living, to continue being a 'mom' to our kids, to be a daughter to my parents, and friend to my friends. That person was in danger of disappearing emotionally & with the abuse escalating, disappearing physically.

I have low self-esteem from being raised by 2 OCD parents, as the oldest child, perfectionistic tendancies run deep in me, which were compounded by my parents unrealistic expectations & low tolerance for failure. I self-silence my needs & emotions, because of lack of trust in those I love to meet them for me, & belief that 'how could I possibly be worth it?' I understand that about myself & have been working on it in counseling for over a year and a half now.

My husband & I were HS sweethearts, each others 'first & only' and we were engaged by ages 19/22 & married by 20/23. At the time we were each others best friend.

I am pursuing a graduate degree at a university multiple hours away and working a full-time job which provides most of the day-to-day family living expenses and the all important health insurance.

His '75hour a week job' is part-owner in and managing the family-owned business, in which we have most of our savings & investments (outside my job-related retirement account). He has no steady income that comes to the family, as what is made from the business is reinvested back into it in order to make it grow. When extra expenses (vacations, car repairs, etc) arise, the business covers them. We do not own our own home, it is part of the family business that we rent it from, that part which is still owned by other members of his his family.

We have two kids early & late teens. One is leaving for college this fall. While not happy about the situation, they want happiness for both of their parents & hope that we can find it. The oldest understand both of his parents well enough to see the issues we both bring to the table & why this relationship is rocky. He understands his fathers abuse as he too has bore the brunt of the words from when he was little on. He understands my perfectionism, as he has bore the brunt of that from me as well. He is supportive of both of us, without being too judgemental, too often towards either of us.

The youngest is sad, but as she said early in the separation, she sees more of her dad now then when we were 'married'. That broke my heart & I am sure his as well. But as they say, from the mouths of babes.

I have been on DB since before I left in June of 2007. We did marriage counseling for 4 months, but when he continued to choose the job over going to counseling, I quit. He never did any DB'ing, when I first left.

In fact he did just the opposite, everything DB'ing tells you not to do. He called my friends and told them lies about why I left, he called me at all hours of the day & night, tried getting into my house, kept swinging between angry & despair, then dumping those feelings onto me & not taking any responsibility for the situation at all. It did exactly what they say it does.. pushed me even further away even faster.

In the past 6 months, we have begun talking and communicating better than we have in 20 years, if ever. I will try to answer questions that are asked respectfully, to share as best I can what is working for us and the things that changed for both of us, in order for this to occur.

We are still separated physically, although we see each other almost daily and talk on the phone multiple times a day.

I will not tolerate flamers or those who want to take me to task for being the WAW. You have not walked a mile in my shoes. If you feel the need to have someone to take your anger about your situation out on, look in the mirror and tell it to them.

As I said earlier, I will try as best I can to answer respectful questions to share a perspective from a WAS viewpoint.

[Bridgestone]

2nd posting

Defining the 4 stages of Divorce Busting

Hi,
I am a WAW who has been working alternative paths (besides DB) trying to work back to a relationship of some sort with H.

I am not through all my emotions of Stage One, nor is he, but we are in a place where most of the time, we can listen to the other one and it is safe to share.

We see each other almost daily, by choice, not because of custody arrangements, and talk multiple times a day on the phone.

We were once best friends & I miss that part of the relationship.
My problem is: he wants total committment to work on the MARRIAGE before he will commit to working on building back my trust and love for him. It's like he wants to go from stage 1.5 or early 2 directly to 4.

He says he loves me and there is no need for romance, that it would be fake & denying our history. That you can not be 1/2 pregnant. Either I am working on this relationship to be married or I'm not.

I am frustrated with this situation, which pushes me back to stage one, to the point at which I think I would be better just keeping things at stage 2 and filing for divorce, which he has suggested.

Thanks for listening.

[Bridgestone]

3rd posting

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Have done the 5 love languages, as well as some more specific things for relationships that suffer because of anger. while it provided some insight & some more changes that were good for both of us individually and for our interactions.... he uses that to 'make his point'. "Chapman says this is for couples, we need to be a couple first"


He knows he only pushing me away right now. I have told him why.

He wants a recommitment to work on things before we can be friends or romantics. He is afraid of putting too much of himself into the friendship/romance just to find out it's not going to work out after all. He wants the guarentee that if he becomes friends with me, that I'll move back in, be the 'wife' again, etc. etc.

I told him that makes no sense to me.. how can I commit to someone that I don't know if it fits? Let's see if our changes we are making to ourselves fit for the other person enough to even want to take it to the next level.

Because he loves me no matter what, he doesn't see the need to do that. I do. I feel we are at an impasse.

[Bridgestone]

My next post
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I think buying him a copy of DR might be a good idea. Also Getting Back Together.

I will look into these two books if they are audio, he does not prefer reading. I have not seen them. He has listened to the things I have recommended to him, Chapmans books on the 5 love languages: for men, for apologies, for teens, for anger. a few on co-dependency, Mars/venus, etc.

What is his definition of recommitment? Is he pushing for you two to live together? Have you gone on any dates - by not wanting to romance you, does that include not wanting to go on dates (and if so, if he really dumb enough to believe he never ever has to take his W out once he is M??? \:D)?

That I am 100% committed to moving back in, going back to counseling (to help me see the light), and the iron ball & chain of marriage is clamped onto my ankle (just joking on the last one).

and no he rarely would take me out.. I took him out. I begged & pleaded for him to come home early (6pm) from work, please get clean up (his job is messy), I called the baby-sitter (he hates talking on the phone), I made the reservations (he didn't care.. "whatever, wherever, just tell me where to be & hopefully I can work the time off to be there"). Every other year he would plan our anniversary getaway.. that was his concession to 'romance'.

Have you thought about starting your own thread to get more feedback?

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And here I am :-)

[Bridgestone]

next posting
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hi again, just a last check in before trying to do that sleep thing. \:\)

Great ideas. I will ponder them as I have a lot of drive time this week.

The move back in by date feels weird to me as well, I want to move back in (or invite him to move in here) not because of a date on a calendar, but because of actions we have both taken to make a safe, respectful, caring environment for a relationship to continue to grow.

As far as his perspective, I know exactly what you mean.. it can be very different and eye opening if one takes the time to really listen and see it from the other perspective.

I know he would tell you he is very very scared of being left again. His biggest fear is losing me and never being part of my life again. I heard it repeatedly when we were dating & early in the marriage. He never felt worthy of 'winning me'. So I know that my leaving has ripped at his worse fear and his reaction to that is wanting the guarentee to hold me to my promise of 'committment' to the marriage.

Yes, the ball & chain was partially a joke... I do NOT want what it was to me before. So when I view it as it was, I see it as a ball & chain. I need to change my view point of how it could be for he & I to quit viewing it as only what it was. I am finding it difficult to do so, as until I can replace it with other images, feelings, & thoughts, until we are close enough to allow that to happen, how does it happen? I feel it is a catch-22 for me right now. That is my problem to work on.

[Bridgestone]

& on we go..
sorry if this is disconnected for the readers... i posted all over the place when I first got here.

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You hit the nail on the head. I can talk sweetness onto a lollpop. I have always, always had a problem following through. I should have been a politician..lol

Actually there in lies a big problem for me reconciling with my H. He rarely did what he said. I came to learn that I could not trust him, count on him for much of anything.

That is why any changes I have been seeing from him have had to be visible, palatable changes that are repeated many times, in many different forms, in many different circumstances, before I would risk more with him.

When he would slip up, I would retreat, the walls would come up, the defenses were at full mast. When he could make good on what he said, then I would relax, I could smile, feel safer, be willing to 'talk'.

The WAW's rollercoaster of emotions that everyone talks about on here is a real phenomena for many reasons.... ONE of which is that my reaction & subsequent feelings was based on to his ability or inability to follow through on what he would say he would/could/should do. I semi-jokingly would tell my friends, how my day was depended on which "H" showed up that day.

He himself has said, that doing what he says, not just saying what he will do (or thinks he did) has helped him keep honest with his principles (something from Covey? I think) making him feel better about himself and I think, less angry.

Just another perspective on this from the other side of the fence.

[Bridgestone]

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Trust is a hard thing to earn after it has been violated many times. That is what I hear your wife saying you did. She looked for you to step up, counted on you for support & time in various situations & you didn't come through.

Now that you see it through her eyes you can see how much it hurts.

It took 5 months for my LBS to even acknowledge his role in violating the 'intimate trust' we had built in our R. Until he could recognize his role in this, convey it in a way I could "hear" (multiple times actually) and apologize for it in a way that was meaningful to me, I was not ready to even consider trusting him.

Patience, not being pushy, kind, 'quietly present', doing a 180 especially in areas of her 'love language' (great book highly recommend it).

when there are opportunities to apologize for your role in this, do so in a way that means something to her (5 languages of apology..also highly recommended). HOWEVER.. do not just dump this on her. I know it is tricky when you are DB'ing & they recommend no R talk, but acknowledging your past actions & how you are taking responsibility for them are not necessarily "us" & "R" talk.

If you feel at ANY TIME you can not be true to your level of support you want to give her or acting in a way that will build trust. You need to put the phone down, walk away, shut your mouth. Any little rebuilt trust is fragile, tender, & needing close caretaking to allow it to continue to grow. It takes very very little to damage it and you will need to start almost from square one.

Years were spent destroying that intimate trust the two of you developed, it will not come back in a few days/weeks or possibly even months.

Peace to you.

[Bridgestone]

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Hi Sandi2
Thanks for checking... a good week-end with H this week-end. I surprised him with tickets to a comedy club Friday night, it was relaxing, no R talk, just laughs & a couple drinks. Conversation was light and all in all a good night.

He agreed today to go back to counseling without pushing the "we have to be married first" issue. But working as friends on communication and emotional safety.

He was here this afternoon (to take DD to a movied) and actually suggested he vacuum up the dog hair in the sunroom, without prompting from me, stepped up and 'parented' our daughter who was being 'snippy' with me about doing dishes. Both of which were rarely done pre-WA.

I noted my appreciation with a friendly one-armed hug and smile & that I noticed his changes, and that I appreciated it very much.

But as I noted in one posting a while back last week... it depends on which H shows up. Consistancy & regularity... we'll see.

thanks!

[Bridgestone]

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hi lodo
well.. it's been many many years since our first attraction he was 16 & I was 14. He had a nice a$$ \:\) Hours on the phone when he went off to college (back when there was no 'unlimited long distance'), real love letters (not email),..

I'm not trying to "recapture" as what we built on was the immature puppy love of teenagers both grasping for something each of us were lacking growing up.

I am working on my trust issues from childhood that living with someone who had anger issues compounded. He was working on his anger issues that living with someone who has trust issues compounded. Together we need to work on our communication skills....

Before I can trust him enough to talk about hopes, dreams & fantasies we need to connect emotionally, before that can happen we need to communicate more effectively.. to do that we need help from a counselor who is not 'pushing' me to commit to a marriage first.

I have found the name of 3 counselors within an hour & half drive distance that have good reputations for solution-based counseling, that also specialize in communication skills & conflicct resolution training.

That is how I have started the ball rolling.

[Bridgestone]

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Good for you sooners... glad to hear you are happy with your changes. Yes we, WAS, do have self-conflict.

I 'put up with it' for 22 years what was one more day? Could have I done it 'one more day'? Well, that day, I could not.

Are there days I look at the changes both he & I have made and think "this would have been a REALLY good day, back then". But I do not want to go "back". And for my new standards of what I will accept for me in a R with anyone, there needs to be more.. as he said he is not enough, yet, nor am I.

Hopefully these changes can keep being consistent & regular, until they 'are you' with God's grace, love & support in your life.

Peace