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A Message from Michele
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Ready2Change (5) - No trust #1468371
06/04/08 04:53 AM
06/04/08 04:53 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline OP
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Ready2Change  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
Previous Thread --> Ready2Change - Drop the Rope!



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Ready2Change (5) - No trust [Re: Ready2Change] #1468375
06/04/08 04:57 AM
06/04/08 04:57 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
R
Ready2Change Offline OP
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Ready2Change  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
Recap of my sitch here:

I have been living with my wife for the past 17 years (married 11). We both are profesionals and make a good living. We have S9,S7,D5.

Feb 14 --> Realized my M was not in good shape.
Feb 18 --> I told wife "We need to talk". I listed out the following:
I want to do what is best for our M.
I want to do what is best for our kids.
I want to listen (really listen) to W.
I want more effective and frequent communication.
I don't want to get mad or angry.
I want to spend more one on one time with W.
I want to do more family activities.
I want to spend more one on one time with each of our kids.
I want to let W have the freedom to do what she wants.
I want W to let me have the freedom to do what I want.

Feb 18 --> I got the bomb (I don't want to be married to you any more, I don't want to slowly die inside, I want to find my soul mate )

I started DBing right away (Before I found/read book). Lots of 180's. I stayed out of W bubble and got into kids bubble. Cleaned up my looks. Started doing housework while W not around.

March 4: Read DR. (Wow those two weeks felt like months) Time was in slow motion.

March 4: This was the lowest point in R. No eye contact from W and only 1 Hi. She did not look good. She went to bed early and without saying goodnight to kids.

Lots of reading including:
Divorce Remedy
Venus/Mars
His needs/Her needs (good book!)

April 3: I find out W sells stock to retain lawyer. I believe I convinced her there is beter options including mediation.

April 4: First telephone coaching session

April 17: All day session with W with Michele

April 29: I visit lawyer to find out my rights. My state is Joint custody in 85% of cases and it is an equal equity state. Most of my fear goes away.

May 3 : I find out W has retained lawyer. Wants me to go sign papers at her lawyers on the 5th.

May 4th : Notify W I have lawyer and her lawyer needs to call mine.

June 1rst: Wife and I talk for first time in a while.
June 2nd: Email communications start going. Looks promising.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Ready2Change (5) - No trust [Re: Ready2Change] #1468379
06/04/08 05:08 AM
06/04/08 05:08 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline OP
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Ready2Change  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
So my new title. No trust.

Neither one of us trust each other. Our communication skills are horible. I tell her one thing and she hears another. I am sure I am doing the same thing.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Ready2Change (5) - No trust [Re: Ready2Change] #1468391
06/04/08 05:26 AM
06/04/08 05:26 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline OP
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Space. I do not want to be around her!
Space. She does not want to be around me!

We are both living in the same house. We are not getting the space we need. I ask wife for space and she does not give it to me.

Tonight, I asked her to take her car to baseball game (I need space right now). She refused and got in the car with me and the kids. I am tired of no communication. I start asking questions, and get short answers (fine,yes,no..etc).

I do a 180 and stay in her space and try to set a time to talk about parenting time. This was not good, she freaked out.

How do I get time alone with my kids in my own house??? W is not giving me space!!!! I have left the house multiple times to give her space with the kids. I have asked her multiple times, and she refuses.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Ready2Change (5) - No trust [Re: Ready2Change] #1468396
06/04/08 05:33 AM
06/04/08 05:33 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline OP
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Ready2Change  Offline OP
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Posts: 7,803
Colorado
W gave me "her plan" for summer parenting time. I compared it to "my plan". We agree on 50% of the days. I circled the days that conflict and set it out for wife to review.

My goal tonight was to sit with W and work on summer parenting time. That did not happen! I backslide several times. I followed W around house trying to get her to work on this with me. She grabbed her purse and phone (I think she started recording us). She even went into kids room.




"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Ready2Change (5) - No trust [Re: Ready2Change] #1468407
06/04/08 05:56 AM
06/04/08 05:56 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline OP
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Ready2Change  Offline OP
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Colorado
Today is over. Can't wait for the "new day".

Her actions and words today are of a crazy person. I am sure it is just when I am in her space. She makes me crazy when she is in my space. I am done trying to work with W.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Ready2Change (5) - No trust [Re: Ready2Change] #1469559
06/05/08 03:36 AM
06/05/08 03:36 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline OP
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Ready2Change  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
I was still frustrated today from interactions with W yesterday. Wife was pleasant when I arrived home with kids tonight. That helped.

I actually got my hi returned! Bam! Goal. I have been saying hi/hello for months now (I got the evil eye or no response every time).

I skipped baseball practice tonight and went fishing. Felt good to get out on my own and do something. Fishing was amazing! I found a great hole last Sunday. It was really good tonight.

The house was pleasant tonight. I stayed out of W space. Kids were great. W gave kids Baths. I made cookies. First time I snuggled with kids in a while. They have been in moms room past few nights.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Ready2Change (5) - No trust [Re: Ready2Change] #1469586
06/05/08 03:56 AM
06/05/08 03:56 AM
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 4,585
Northeast
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Gypsy Offline
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Hey Ready..

Sounds challenging.. but those snuggles are beautiful.

Have you thought of leaving the proposed schedule in her room, on the frig.. someplace neutral where she can take it and review it? Google has a calendar feature if you sign up for an account. I don't know if that just increases the distance or allows needed space.

Perhaps you can make your room more enticing to the kids.. Do you have the game "Jake the Snake"? Kids can't get enough of it. I don't know what it is.. A Phys Ed teacher at the elementary school would let the kids play that game if they'd been really good. He moved over to the highschool, and even hardened teenagers go all gooey playing that!

*hugs*

Good to see you, buddy.

Re: Ready2Change (5) - No trust [Re: Gypsy] #1469668
06/05/08 05:54 AM
06/05/08 05:54 AM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,978
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smartcookie Offline
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Ready, you sound so much like H & me a few months ago.

<<Tonight, I asked her to take her car to baseball game (I need space right now). She refused and got in the car with me and the kids. I am tired of no communication. I start asking questions, and get short answers (fine,yes,no..etc).>>

H & I were in a huge fight, & our D was flying home. I was going to pick her up, (he had dropped her off, when she left town) he wanted to come. I told him I didn't want him in the car with me. He suggested he take his own car. I said WTF ? You want to carry a banner to tell D that we can't even stand to be in the same car ? Then ask her to choose which one of us to ride home with ? I thought he was an idiot, & I told him that. That was spring break week.

Hang in there. I share this with you to give you hope.


M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months
4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10
I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Re: Ready2Change (5) - No trust [Re: smartcookie] #1469833
06/05/08 02:19 PM
06/05/08 02:19 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline OP
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Ready2Change  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
Thanks for stopping in Gypsy!
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
...Have you thought of leaving the proposed schedule in her room, on the frig.. someplace neutral where she can take it and review it...
I have emailed several choices I am willing to take. I wanted to work on a flexible one initially that went more rigid in the future. I know we both have days we want to do our own thing and days we want to do things with the kids. W didn't want to work on calander together. I giving my lawyer the "Extended Weekend" version.
Quote:
...the game "Jake the Snake"....
I just searched the web. Is this a video game??



Originally Posted By: smartcookie
...He suggested he take his own car. I said WTF ? You want to carry a banner to tell D that we can't even stand to be in the same car ? Then ask her to choose which one of us to ride home with ? I thought he was an idiot, & I told him that.Hang in there. I share this with you to give you hope....
Hi SC, Very good point and thanks for the hope!


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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