It looks like you gave up the BB for Lent and came back with a vengeance!
I'll keep sounding like a broken record, but what is your goal. From what I gather, you seem to have a few, but can't seem to find (want?) the right balance. Marriage is love and love is a decision.
That C is interested in counseling is a great thing and that you're having some struggles is not a bad thing either. It shows a lot for the future. In fact, I truly believe that if I ever get remarried (assuming I ever get an actual D and an annulment) , I almost hope me and my prospective bride can suffer through some crisis, because that's when we really see the inside of us and/or another person. C has already experienced some of that and you gave her the time to work through it. Can you accept what you saw? Did it make the two of you grow closer or move apart?
Anyway, peace be with you and take care of S8--he will always be with you.
Wow, Bruce, Me, Gabe and...er...me all here recently?! All we're missing is Joe.
Bruce, good to see you.
Me, good to see you.
Gabe, I share your troubles. Getting into a new R is like jogging in a mine field for me. As I write, another dating experience in the sh!tter. Not worth the time or headache, seems like sometimes. Someone always gets hurt. It's human nature. Even the one's we love the most end up hurting or disappointing us.
Not sure how this relates to your sitch, but I wanted you to know you weren't alone in life challenges post-D.
Kitchen's servin' up sh!t sandwiches. You either take a bite or go hungry.
Ha! Kev, that was well put. Well put indeed! Classic Kevin. Merrick, my goal? Hmmm, hard to put into words, but I'll give it a try. My goal is a mutually giving, loving R with a woman that's blessed by God and the sacrament of M in my church, one that does not put S8 in harms way but that adds to his life, enriching it. An R that helps me to grow more complete as a man. Bruce, while I don't think we can use universal timelines regarding healing and dating, I do agree that my year (or maybe 14-15 mo) of no dating and intensive work on myself was very necessary for me to heal and to prepare for dating. I must say that the initial dating was healing in and of itself, with these 1-4 date experiences helping me to see the positives in women and to recall my enjoyment of female companionship.
Life is good. Recall those early days post-bomb, and life probably can be seen as wonderful.
I can see the many many blessings and rewards in my life. I love being a Dad, with S8 and I literally having what many fathers and sons don't - a whole house to ourselves to romp around in and to have it be as we see fit. I get to plant spring plants where I want to with no debate present, I get to prepare meals as I see fit. If I'm tired, its by choice.
Rs are great. Yet they require a lot of compromising.
I see Celeste compromising a lot to give me the time that she's able to. I also see her point, that her family system has suffered a really deep wound in the death of her SF. It will take time, and time is one thing I also need. I need it to keep working on myself, healing from the D, shedding more emotional and personal baggage that remains.
I've learned a lot on this path, with my learning pointing to the need for a reciprocal relationship. Nothing short of that will survive in the long run.
I've learned not to chase, but to let things be, to take care of myself, to pray, and to trust. I was working on a front yard flower bed, pulling out the plants that didn't survive winter, yet noticing the many that appeared dead at first glance, but actually were showing life at the base, merely needing to be pruned, fertilized, and watered so that they burst back into life. I have several very mature plants that grown quite hardy in this manner of care.
It is so much easier - at first glance - to throw out the old R and start off again with a new version. Yet, the same tiring, careful work remains at developmental points or times. I'm more comfortable with working on things and giving us enough time to heal and grow.
This past weekend, there was a balancing act of some time with C and some with myself. Part of that alone time was driven by C choosing to be with her kids. I poured my time into myself, doing runs, improving my home, and going on outings I might not have in the past. C and I enjoyed our time together. Yet my alone time was very pleasant as well.
I'm not ever going to expect a woman to fill my heart. That space will be fed by my R with God, my R with my son, and my R with myself.
The love of my life, the woman of my dreams, will be attracted by that balance, will not be overwhelmed by my needs, and will have her own pursuits that will make her needs less dependent on me. There is no need to finalize this R in M or to pull the plug.
The love of my life, the woman of my dreams, will be attracted by that balance, will not be overwhelmed by my needs, and will have her own pursuits that will make her needs less dependent on me.
Interesting you say the love or your life, not C.
Most of your positive comments are about you and S8 and the house, not the relationship.
It is almost as if you are defending her actions.
I do hope your relationship is successful, we all want success, but I can feel you pulling away from the relationship and more back to yourself.
Well, I up and eloped with Celeste. I know it'll work out, cause love is all you need, as the Beatles say ... . . . . . .
April Fools!
Good observations, Bruce.
Yes, I do believe that satisfaction and happiness have a lot to do with oneself. A lot has to do with one's perspective taking and one's expectations. A lot with the focus or values that one holds.
In my case, each time I feel off-balance not fed, I can slip into old habits or patterns and try to pull from the other what I want, or I can feed myself. I noticed while dating and in my R with C, that I tend to draw more mutuality when I feed and nurture myself first.
You are very right, tho. I don't need anyone else. I want her and want the R, but I won't wither away and die if she chooses s/t other than me. Mutually does not equate with dependency.
I think many of our WAS's had wounds and issues that predated many of our Rs. Many unfulfilled needs that maybe the other viewed us as capable of filling. But we did and could not do so. Instead, the hole in their hearts or psyche remained, frustration grew, attention wandered, and we were left behind.
As LBS, there's great likelihood that many of us now have similar sizable wounds, that we can drag along with us in a predated manner into future Rs. And you're right, it wouldn't be fair or set the table for success.
I think it IS important for us to feed ourselves, to do our own work, and to push toward healing prior to asking someone else into a mutual R. I'm not sure if that 'work' ever gets done, or if it is a manner of just ongoing lifelong development toward maturity and different levels of adulthood.
I took S8 on a mini-vacation of a few days at the non-mouse amusement park in Orlando. A bit of pampering and loads of fun. I actually enjoyed the rollercoasters again. Turned off the cell phone, leaving the worries about work, etc... back home.
Top 5 overheard conversation in those amusement park lines (now THAT's a great place to people watch...):
1) "Now's NOT the time to pick lint out of your belly button!"
2) "Wanna see my third nipple?"
3) "All right, who busted a grumpy?"
4) "I'm gonna get, gonna get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump." (song and dance routine)
5) "How long have we waited?" (for the 27th time during a 58 minute wait for a pterydactyl ride that lasted ~ 27 seconds and resembled coasting down a small hill on your bicycle with your legs out to either side - Wheeeee!).
As I told my son back in the hotel room, with us wearing matching hotel bath robes with S8 sipping a milk and munching on a browniee while I enjoyed some well-deserved cab : "Son, it doesn't any better'n this!" We toasted each other and that moment, an instant classic.
It's been a busy week so far. I have S8 for ~ 1 month straight. He seems to be enjoying life here. He suckered me into taking in 2 free guinea pigs that he got from a neighbor. Both of us are apparently allergic - I think its an adaptive thing for humans to be allergic to rodents, don't you? I got some spray and a brush that should help. Maybe I'll soak them in the tub... kidding. They are cute. The anxious, timid gray one is "Wolf" while the relaxed, easygoing brown one we renamed "Bear" (go Cal!).
S8 has his first communion on Sunday. The boys are wearing white tux's - very Sat Night Feverish. I plan to take lots of picks that I can embarrass him with in adulthood. I'm a bit nervous, as I'm hosting a small party afterward, and don't have a lick of ideas beyond warming up the grill. Celeste gets to meet my 2 sisters. Ha! Payback time! Now she gets to deal with my family!
Its my last week with admin duties at work. A bit sad in terms of the nasty politics and unmet goals, but truth be told, the ugly economics and budget issues of this time are going to shortchange any grand ideas. Time for me to step aside gracefully and invest in my own career.
S8 rode his bike while I ran yesterday eve. He crashed while not looking at one point, and when I ran up to him and comforted him and checked him out, I found myself remembering his earlier years. This time, he started apologizing and stammering, and I just said 'don't worry about that' and 'what did you learn?' after we had reached the calm state. Importantly, he got right back on and we finished our route. While celebrating with some italian shaved ice (isn't that the bomb? ) I remember feeling happy. Just plain contented.
Lots to do before company arrives. But it will be fine.
Hope you are all doing well. I follow the threads from now and then. Not posting as much, as things are kind of going along at a more regular pace. Celeste is out of town, X is out of the country, and S8 and I are enjoying Guy Time.
