thank you for the response. I too am cringing when I think that I asked him for the kiss. It was just the FIRST time since found about the affair two weeks ago that he was acting like the husband I know and love.
God, this is just such a whirlwind of emotions. Yesterday I felt more confident and strong, today I just want to crawl under the covers and cry. I am going to FORCE myself to get dressed and go to the bookstore. H is with daughter at a friends next door.
I would just give ANYTHING to go back and time and do things differently. LIke being kinder him, being more sexual and enjoying it more with him, helping out around house more, all the things he is NOW saying (after I found out about affair), that led up to him wanting out. I feel like throwing up every time I think of him with this person that I know nothing about. I am using the techniques in db of the stop sign which helps. And it's not even her, the ow, I know she is just a symptom of all the things I did wrong. I really bitched at him a lot, wasn't really there for him sexually, was very selfish, I could go on and on. I just wish so much I could go back in time because he is a wonderful father and we DID have so many good things in the marriage.
I miss him as my best friend I think more than anything. The sitting around and laughing. I miss the family day trips, I miss him making me laugh until my stomach hurts.
I feel like I'll never get over this. (I'm falling apart right now because he isn't here and I'm giving myself permission to do this right now). This is the hardest f'ing thing I have ever gone through.
I would give anything to have him hold me again, Anything to have him tell me he loves me again. I know I sound pathetic. And I won't stop db'ing, GAL, but I am grieving today and I am using this board as a journal right now in a sense.
Before I found out about the affair two weeks ago, (I don't love you bomb 6 weeks ago), it was easier to deal with. We were having great sex, he was home every day. Now knowing that there is this other person who is obviously making him happy is KILLING me in ways I could have NEVER predicted. It's not even the sex that kills me, it's the emotional connection that is obviously going on.
At this point, I really don't see how db can overcome this kind of situation when your spouse says, "I've never been happier. I've never connected to someone like this before". I just don't see how this can be repaired.
At this point, I really don't see how db can overcome this kind of situation when your spouse says, "I've never been happier. I've never connected to someone like this before". I just don't see how this can be repaired.
It CAN be repaired because what your H said is actually what most WAS say or think they feel. Almost all LBS have heard this one. The love or connection the WAS has with OP usually fades at some point because it is not real but based on a fantasy. Keep DBing and don't appear needy (asking for kiss on the lips). Good Luck!
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
thank you so much for the reply. I just slipped up again badly. h told me he was going to be working late tomorrow (and it know it's actually true because I overheard him on the phone with his boss). but i backslid and just said, "you can't be out every night like this (I was referring to the two nights he was out with ow).",. it opened whole can of worms. I'm [censored] up again after such a good day yesterday. what the f is wrong with me??? AGAIN, I had to hear things, like, "I don't love you, why do you want me here??" the whole thing.
all I can suggest is that you quit trying to control what your H is doing or wants to do. Be the best mom you can be and let go of the rope in regard to your H. Make the changes in you that would help to bring your H back, and quit trying to control him. You really need to THINK before you ACT or REACT. Everytime you are about to say something to your H, ask yourself this question: Is what I'm about to say or do going to help me get closer to or achieve my goal{s)?
If you can do this, it may help you to discipline yourself better in times like this sitch you just posted about.
h and I had another r talk. I initiated it (I know no r talks) but I sincerely apologized, didn't blame him for anything, took the blame for my behavior for the day and said more than anything i missed his friendship. I told him that I can't stop him from doing what he needs to do, but for the sake of daughter, we need to get back to a place of friendship (I didn't even Talk or HINT about wanting romantic relationship). I was soothing and caring and reaally db'd in the since that I accept his feelings and that I was sorry for my outburst. He really responded and then we actually had a good evening (like old times in the terms of friends, laughing, etc0.
It DID bother me that he went to the store and took 45 minutes (I know he was sitting in his car talking to her), but instead of waiting for him to get back and quesion him, I just want to bed.
I can't stop him from doing what he is doing right now and I quickly seeing this. For MY mental health I am beginning to detatch and hopefully gain my mental health from doing this.
Yes, it sucks that i know he has an ow and there is a part of me that knows most affairs end (both from db, dr and my lawyer), but I am not "banking" on that, it's like hopeing an alcoholic will stop drinking. He has to experience the ramifications of what he is doing on his own. there is an al-anon saying that you can't deny the dignity of their own bottom. That is the philosophy I will stick to. As lawyer said (and db and therapist), the more I question him about anything, the further I push him. He really seemed to respond when I acted loving and respectful of where he is right now. I'm shifted my attitude towards him today not to "get him back", but for ME as I am really realizing that if I approach him with kindness and as a friend, the results are MUCH better.
question, esp. for people who have been at this longer. Should I just "give up". not in terms of not db'ing and GAL (for myself),but should I just let him go, you know, in my heart? He really seems to love the ow (as far as I can tell, I don't know any details about her and don't want to know), but I DO know it hasn't been that long. I believe it started around feb.
After the roller coaster of the past week and this weekend, I am wondering if I should just let him go and move on with my life. This isn't what I want and I love him, but I also love myself.
...should I just let him go, you know, in my heart... I am wondering if I should just let him go and move on with my life...
I am not sure how my sitch will turn out, but this is helping me cope:
0) Emotionally detatch 1) Forgive S daily 2) Work on yourself to be more attractive to S (as well as others) 3) Focus on positives and tune out the negatives
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
thanks for the response. Had to pick up daughter, age 5 AGAIN from school because she was crying all morning for her daddy. h and I are going to therapy on thursday and I called the therapist today to let her know that at least for the first few sessions, the focus has to be on dealing with our daughter. She is obviously going through a VERY hard time with all this. It is literally breaking my heart.
also, I just need to know, I know I have asked many times, but how in the world can a marriage be saved if your h is telling you this is the happiest he's ever been, he's so connected, blah, blah -- I feel SO hopeless right now.
