Letter from WAW after she flew to my city for talk

[GH31]

Hi Just_Me & Saffie,

Thanks very much for your input and thoughts. I will take this very tentatively at first if she makes good her pledge to come home this weekend. I have spoken to a DB coach (Jodie) who has given me some pointers as to how to communicate in a way that makes her feel safe, uses collaborative language and doesn't accuse which I plan on mentally rehearsing and following to the letter.

Jodie agreed that she seems to be edging back into the marriage but I am still very wary and probably will be for a while. In spite of this I will "act as if" as much as possible. If she had simply fooled around during the separation like I did, I could probably live with it but the fact that she is having a full blown R with OM whom she holds in very high regard will create far more residual issues to work through, should a reconciliation take place.

This morning was very very tough as it's her birthday today and I know she will be with OM. I have bought her a couple of gifts in case she makes good her promise to come.

On a different note I urgently need to change jobs as the one I have isn't supporting my career goals at all. I have 3 offers - one in Munich and two in Sydney and W said she wants us to live in Munich for a while and see more of Europe before returning to Australia. I would like that too but to be honest I simply want to heal from this excruciatingly painful episode. I know that will take time but right now I just want the chaos to end.

Again, both of you thanks very much. Just_Me I have read your story and it sounds like you really have mastered DBing. It's great that both of you veterans are so generous and offer advice to us.

GH31

[Just_Me]

sounds like you really have mastered DBing

No, not really. It's much easier to know what you should do than actually do it. With my wife, there are times I'm aware of what my be a more effective way of handling things, but I fail to do it because I'm stubborn, angry, or I'm putting my own needs first. I still have quite a ways to go.

[GH31]

Hi guys,

Bit of an update to my situation. My WAW sent me this email at lunchtime which came somewhat out of the blue:

Hi GH31,

I need to confirm that you are definately committed to work on our future together.

Do you still feel the same? You have to be 100% sure.

I only want to get back together if you can asure me that you have changed for the better. I don' t want any repeats of before.

It's a big move to take a chance on you again, I don't want to be disappointed again. I want a beautiful life.

W

I was encouraged to get this email from her so I sent the following one in return:

Hi W,

Thank you for your email. I read it just after I sent the last one to you.

The answer on both counts is yes - in many areas and not just those relating to you and I.

I couldn't ever be the same again after going through the last 2 and a half months. I would like to say also that I empathise with your feelings of tentativeness and caution about the future, and wariness about repeats of before. I have identified many areas where I was just plain wrong and misguided.

I want a beautiful life too, and realised a while ago that I would never really have one unless I made and continue to make the necessary changes to my own life. Whatever happens, I thank you for initiating this separation as I would not have woken up to the reality otherwise and taken the necessary measures. I will be a better human being as a result of it all.

I have credit on my Skype account - you're welcome to call me if you wish and if it's an opportune time for you; some of this is difficult to articulate using the written word. You have my business card.

best,

GH31

She did call me at work and we had a short chat. She was upset as it was her birthday yesterday and she had had a bad day. I asked her what she ended up doing but she didn't want to discuss it and I didn't push her. She did want to say that she really loved the birthday card that I had bought her. I saw it when I was in England two weeks ago for an interview and knew that she would love it so I bought it anyway. It really was beautiful and an exact match to her taste. Then, when she visited last weekend I gave it to her to open on the day.

She said that she had received my email but was concerned that there were no words of affection in there and that that is what she wanted to hear. So I told her "my feelings haven't changed since the first day I laid eyes on you" and that "nothing would give me greater joy than to have my wife back in my life" and, "in spite of all that has happened your still my special little girl" etc. I also empathised with her reticence and tentativeness and concern for MOTS stuff.

So, she has said that she will move all of her stuff back in on April 14 (this coming Monday) and that we should go on a trip to the Baltic states.

What can I say? I am very encouraged by the direction of things though am still very cautious. I understand and accept that in spite of the good direction, it may be a false start. She did say 4 weeks ago that she would come back on April 4, so I am still unsure - but evidence seems to be coming up to indicate that she means business.

Also, I am not sure what this situation with OM is and I didn't ask.

I want to jump up and down with excitement though I do not think that this is the time. I think I will feel both relief and joy once the crisis stage of this odyssey is over but I think relief will probably win the day.

Eventually I hope to be able to post a success story here on the board but that will be a long way off, if in fact it does occur. I hope all of you are hanging in there and continuing to DB. It's really hard work but I can't imagine NOT doing whatever it takes to keep our marriages together.

Take care,

GH31

[saffie]

GH,

What a nice and sensible post to read. Give her the benfit of the doubt. Enjoy it when she moves back and remember not to revert to old habits - it's very easy to do; my H and I have to constantly keep a check on that. And be aware that it is very common for YOU to have doubts about it all once she comes back - it was once I felt my M was safe again that I had to deal with a whole rush of negative feelings about my H and what he had put me through - I just wasn't expecting that.

Keep us updated.

[Just_Me]

Sounds great GH31. I'm a little wary since she's got a kind of "you go first" attitude. The scary thing is she's essentially saying she relies on you to basically make her happy.

That being said, the first step is to actually have her back and committed to the marriage. You can't keep playing LRT and maybe shouldn't have before. She probably craves loving words and words of affirmation. There is no harm in giving them. You should show you love her.

There is one thing I would mention. I think it's okay to express your own reservations. You reassured her. I think it's fair that she reassure you. I'd essentially parrot what she wrote to you..."I need to know that you are committed to work on our future together. That means, if we have difficulties in the marriage (as everyone does), that you intend to stick it out and work to make it better. And that you intend to discontinue contact with OM."

If she can't commit to this stuff, then it might be a waste of a trip.

Me

[GH31]

Hi Just_Me,

Thanks for your advice. Not sure what to do about my situation now. I found out today by snooping who the OM is, his address, phone number and also that my W and he are going on a weekend getaway elsewhere in Europe. She arrives back in the UK the day before April 14, the day she said she's coming home on.

Now I feel nothing but contempt and disgust for her. I have no idea what to do but many many thoughts are going through my mind. I have no kids with her - I don't know whether to just cut lose and start again. I am still relatively young at 31 and have time. Do I call her on this if and when she comes home, or do I ask her if she is 100% about us too beforehand? She just cannot seem to quit either me or him.

I am really at the end of my rope here. Unbelieveable. Please help.

[Just_Me]

She is the one pushing the "you better be 100% committed to this" and reconciliation. I would suggest that you call her on it. She is talking out of both sides of her mouth. You don't have to be mean about it..just practical. "W, I'm committed to us, but I honestly don't believe that you're ready. I want you to be sure you want to work on our marriage, and that includes breaking things off with OM, before coming back here." I think breaking things off with OM involves not going on this vacation with him. Do you honestly think she's ready for a R with you immediately after coming back from vacation with him? I can't imagine that this is strictly a plutonic thing. Guys don't usually keep taking women on vacation if they aren't putting out.

[GH31]

Hi Just_Me,

Thanks for your input. I have the guys number and she will be at the house alone. She has no idea that I know the number and no idea that I know the guy's name.

Do I call her on that number and call her on it? She has actually paid for it on her credit card - so it looks like it was her idea. I am 100% sure that this has been a PA, as when we spoke about things last I spoke assuming that it was - and she didn't deny it.

[GH31]

Also Just_Me, Dr. Harley has spoken on his site about people involved in affairs wanting to run off to the Carribean to say their last goodbyes etc. Really am at my wit's end today unfortunately - just when I thought it was all coming together.

She actually emailed me a few hours ago about arranging another trip for next week. This is all twisted, twisted, twisted.

[thegoodfight]

Seems like she is still in fantasy land. Drop the hammer, she needs to make a decision. I like the post from Just me. I would flat out call her on it. I would say something to the effect of bottom line either you are in or you are out, you aren't going to have two lovers in your life.

I would not give a timeline because that is a decision for you and it will probably change but I agree she is not ready, and frankly given what you know you are not ready. You need to have time to come to terms with her unfaithfulness and decide if you want to forgive and move forward or forgive and move on.

Don't put yourself through the pain, she needs to show you commitment, not tell you about it!

I wish you well, the recovery road is tough, her state of mind does not appear to be where it needs to be. Save yourself more pain by having her come home and hurt you more. Work it out for yourself and let her know you don't want her back right now. You are going to take some time and decide if you want her back in the future.

Take the power away! My reasoning is you don't have kids and you can make a clean break. I am not saying you should, but take some time and figure it out.

I wish you well!