wrote a post yesterday and forgot to hit reply! arrrgh!
Wasnt' feeling well, had a bad talk with H (sprung from dissagreements about the extra morn he wants kids and the tax return) Ended up with him leaving an angry vm and me doing the same, he said in his vm how he was going through things and that he was done arguing for the day. I couldnt' help myself (it was/is one of those "rock bottom" moments for me) so I unloaded.. brought up stuff he did to me, his lies, how that hurt, that if he thought he was going through something he had no clue what I was going through.
I'm rehashing old stuff, about how things could've gone if ow hadn't come into the pict, about how emotionally distant he was *before* ow came into view, how we had no connection, no matter what I tried. And I realize, if he hadnt' asked for D, if he were with me now, it'd be more of the same, me living with a zombie who didnt' feel much for himself much less for me.
He's told me before how he feels he's lost something, doesnt' know how to get it back and how miserable that makes him feel. He's lost himself, his goodness and has no clue how to live with himself. So, obviously, he had nothing to give me as a partner/friend/H. Ow still a sore spot, I know she isnt the reason of our breakup, I think it is mostly that primal female jelousy I feel. I know that a good man would never allow such a person to interfere with his family, but as he is being friends or whatever with her is ok, he truly is empty.
Will try to remain objective as I rethink visitation, I might let him claim one kid. It is amazing how he actually grew a spine and is fighting for the kids, perhaps realizing that's the only good things he has left.
I had a good cry, after 2wks of no tears at all, guess I needed. I'll make a MC apt. next week, guess I haven't really forgiven H for all the indignities he's put me through these past 8mths, I need to let go of those things.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hi cat03 - thank you for the post on my thread and ((cat03)). (that's a hug, right?) I'm so wrapped up in my own sitch, wishing someone can give me strength, that I fail to notice strength in others. Having just read "D train" I see acceptance of, and a determination in you, to overcome the unpleasentness of the D process. Faith in God is probably something I should also be looking to develope at this time. Todays lesson for me - Get away from self, reach out to and learn from others. Keep doing what you're doing.
Sad1, I'd be a basket case if I hadn't cling to God, this stuff is enough to make you loose your head, you know, my devotional from this morning is so apropiate to put here now:
"He changes times and seasons." (Daniel 2:21) - God is always looking to take us to higher levels. He wants us to grow and increase in every area of life. Change is often a catalyst for growth in our lives. It keeps us from getting stuck in a rut. God will supernaturally open and close doors to keep us on the path toward our destiny. He will "stir us" out of comfortable situations and stretch us because He loves us too much to allow us to live in mediocrity. Just like a mother eagle will stir her young, God will stir His children. Do you know how an eaglet learns to fly? That eagle will take her eaglet to the very highest point—way out of its comfort zone—and then she releases it. As the eaglet falls, the mother swoops down and picks it back up again. She does this over and over until the eaglet spreads its wings and soars through the air. That''s what God wants for you today. He wants you to soar in life! You might feel like that eaglet learning to fly, but know that God is right there with you! He’ll never leave you. Embrace God's change today, knowing that He is using it to take you up higher so that you can live in victory all the days of your life! A Prayer for Today Dear God, today I open my heart and mind to receive all that You have for me. I trust that You are with me directing my every step. I embrace Your seasons of change and thank You for helping me grow and increase in every area. In Jesus' Name. Amen
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
every time I try to control the stich myself I get burned, I have to keep throwing this whole crap God's way, i really can't handle it, got into another round of txts w/H, actually keeping my cool and will NOT bring up any more ow/M stuff. Clearly he has his views and no matter what I say I will not get the answers *I* want, OT is right, it is like trying to get comfort from your abuser.
Txts got ugly, not in the insulting way but one thing led to another (he sent me txts meant to ow, I forward them back telling him to watch what he sends to me and he thought I broke into his acct) Now he's all like "dont' txt me ever, I will take it as harrasment" Phlueasse!! he's far gone from my life, he never txts me for anything else other than for the kids or $$ stuff. It was pretty convenient since I rather txt than talk to him, now that is gone, great, I'll have to talk to him each time.
Great, just great, things got uglier and they prob didnt' have to, I was too mad not to just drop it, he just kept accusing me of breaking into his acct so I told him to learn to use his phone. He prob wont' txt me again just so he doesnt' txt me by mistake.
I didnt' want to be friends with him but didnt' want any more ugliness and I was just part of something I'm not proud of. I want to escape somewhere far far away right now.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I'm not sure why you think he gets to set the terms of communication. Talking to him isn't good for you, it isn't helping you.
Stick with texting. Better yet, stick with email which does not get you roped into the same kind of back and forth bickering you went through today.
"It is unfortunate that there were some missent TMs today. The no-texting suggestion you made doesn't work for me as it would require too many phone calls. Thus, I suggest that we use email primarily, and limit texting to truly urgent matters."
