unevitably aboard the D train...

[cat03]

i love those particular lines of the song, how he wanted to bring down all our good years and chalk them up to him 'putting up a front' and telling me we were alway incompatible, puhlease!

Lots of doors are opening up... I'm truly blessed and God has take this burden off me.

[bright_new_day]

i love those particular lines of the song, how he wanted to bring down all our good years and chalk them up to him 'putting up a front' and telling me we were alway incompatible, puhlease!

Yep, mine did the same. He actually put in his response to the divorce filing that I had abandoned the marriage "through my words and actions" June 1999. Ironically that is the month I gave birth to his son. In 2005 we even went to see a priest about getting married in the Catholic church because he knew it meant a lot to me to do so. The only reason we didn't go through it was because he would not contact his parents to get his baptism and communion records. (He wasn't speaking to them.) But toward the end (after he got involved with OW/new wife)he would tell anyone who would listen that our marriage had been dead for years. Gotta love their revisionist history! LOL

Lots of doors are opening up... I'm truly blessed and God has take this burden off me.

Yes, doors definiely open. I got a teaching position, something I had tried to do for several years. I also connected with old friends and am having a great time with very little unhappiness in my life. It is amazing how things can change when the burden of "being the root of ALL problems" is lifted from you!!!

[cat03]

wow Suzy! what a thing to say on the D paperwork, no matter how many times I read an appalling rewrite of history from a WAH/MLCer it still blows my mind the way they make stuff up, unBELIEVABLE!!

Got the wind knocked from me today, of course H came over for kids, with ow's parking permit on his permit (yea, i'm sure they are "just talking") Still a sore spot, can't get his "she's out of the pict" and "it isnt a decision about choosing you and her" crappy comments when things unfolded in late Feb.
It still hurts, wish it didn't, I have to remind myself that the zombie who comes over istn' my H, that him and ow do deserve each other, their souls are rotten.

Yes, God loves them too, despite all their crap, so I pray I come to total peace in regard to them both. Even if they M next year as the D is finalized, I need to reach full detachment and not fret if he does well, after all, my kids need him.

We started visitation plans, I broke down realizing kids wont be with me every night once he gets his place next spring, he wants to have them an extra morning and that's killing me.
We agreed on Mon-Tue afternoons and Tue-Wed morning, every other week he'll have them from Sun at 1pm. I was fighing for Wed morning, that'd make it 3 our of 4 mornings every other wk that I wont' see my kids, it breaks my heart. He says I still get to see them more than him, and do I want him involved in their life.
Yes, I do, but DAMN it, I get to miss out on those days.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!! yes, I am trying to understand that he actually wants time with them and that that is a good thing

I am now a bit more calm, I remember my days of busy mom wishing for one day without kids, now I might have 2.5 and I dont' want them
I need to fill those days to the brim, I thought about going to my zumba class one night, spending the night at my sister's, the next night i can take a night class at the local community college, I'd like to be some sort of therapist (yes, lol, as messed up as I am now) and/or join the small group church homes that meet during the week.
SIGH, ok, end of pity party

[ACJ]

and do I want him involved in their life.
Yes, I do, but DAMN it, I get to miss out on those days.

Cat this is so very hard I know. However take it from me that although going through with this will hurt it is the right things for your kids.

My H tried to impose visitation on me and my kids. He and OW decided w/o any input from me and the children that H would have them Monday and Tuesday one week and Saturday and sunday another. The kids said no. They don't want to stay over any night let alone two a week. They don't want to spend any time with OW (although S15 has not relented and will tolerate her just so he can see his dad). The end result of this was no negotiation. There is no respite for me unless i ask my parents. As they are in their 60s and live 90 miles away it isn't practical for them to step in on a regular basis. My advice is take what is offered for now. You can always change things in the future if either you or the kids are not happy with the arrangements.

[princess_nic]

Cat,

That's good advice from Alison. I know how hard it is, esp when there's another woman in the picture. I remember my kids coming home to tell me that gf had made them cupcakes, and I was so mad, all I could think of was stuffing cupcakes down her throat till she choked!!

But of course, I know - as you do - that our children need their fathers in their lives. The more people who love them, the better it is for them. This is one of those sucky times that we need to do what's best for them. I know that you already know this; I just want you to know also that we have all been there and all felt the same.

The secret positive side, though, is that in a couple of months, once you get used to it, it really won't be so bad. You will have time to yourself, and it will FLY by - really. And that time alone will make you a better mom when you're with your kids.

You can do this, Cat.

Love,
Nicola

[cat03]

thanks girls))))))))))))))) I guess it is just one of those things we must learn to accept and much like S,D and other horrors we just have to adjust *SIGH*

bleah, well, at least he does want them around, he's just not that great at keeping d5 clean and comb her hair or at making sure s9 does his homework and stuff, he's late half the time and I just hate the thought of them not taken care of *the way I want them to*. I guess if he's asking for this then he'll have to learn and realize that it isnt' all easy to take care of them for real (he only sees them a few hrs now)

And yes, as they grow up, they will make up their mind, even he said so, once they are 13 they may or may not want to stay with him more/less. Ok, must think of kids first.

[BethM]

Hi cat!

Yup it's sad and it will be even sadder for their Dad when the kids don't want to go because they are afraid of missing out with their friends. That time will come.

You're doing the right thing in making sure that the kids spend time with him. How could you live with yourself if you didn't do this? Having their Dad around even for a couple of hours is better than nothing. He's still missing out no matter how you cut it.

Don't worry about what you can't control and how he parents when they are with him. I do totally get it but you'll just be making yourself crazy with that one.

Love,
Bethie

[cat03]

thanks Beth, this is really hard for me, I work full time, I run home to be with them, he doesnt' even call them and now he wants to have them one extra night to tuck them in? I dont' buy it, sounds like he is just saying that so I let him have one kid to claim as dependant. My accountant is trying to explain me the difference in $, havign a hard time (1,000 tax credit, the 500 per child, etc)

ARGHH!!! by next year s9 will be going to middle school, he'd have to get d5 up much earlier just so he can drop son on time, then there are the times 4nowH calls me and asks me when is son out, after years of s9 going to school he NEVER remembers when the bus comes, it drives me nuts! I can just picture by kids just waiting for him to pick them up, him being late and just all sorts of bad weather...

I hate him for this, I told him so yesterday, on a rare explotion of emotions, I hate that I will loose time with them. GRRRRRRRR

Yes, i am making myself crazy Beth, maybe I just need to let this out to feel better. Was talking to a friend who has 3 kids and her x takes them every other weekend, how she used to sob and sulk and not go out each time he took them, that it took her a while to get out of the house and get used to it. She is doing worse than me (x wont' pay her all the CS he owes her) but she is making it, with 3!

[BethM]

Oh cat, there is nothing easy about working full-time and being a single Mother. I had a hard time holding it together after ex decided to fly and my kids were older, so I don't envy you.

I'm sure you're right in your suspicions about Husbands interest in having the kids for an extra night. Wait until he actually has to get them where they need to be a couple of times. Let's just see how he feels about it then. Generally these selfish men don't like having to go too far out of their way even if it is for their kids.

I didn't mean to say that you were crazy, although we're all a little crazy while we're going through this, but somehow we have to be the ones to minimize the craziness. Believe me, your husband won't do that for you. What you said about your H not knowing sons schedule well that's no big surprise. Besides the fact that they all seem so confused about so many things that should be no brainers, he probably didn't waste anytime even tryong to remember, you probably always did it for him. You sound like a very hands on Mom. That's great for the kids but it only serves to make these self centered spouses even less accountable. I know. I raised one as well.

Love,
Bethie

[cat03]

I didn't mean to say that you were crazy, although we're all a little crazy while we're going through this, but somehow we have to be the ones to minimize the craziness. Believe me, your husband won't do that for you.

I know what you meant hon ))) but I am spinning my wheels a bit, I hate this. And you are right, I won't get compassion from him so I have to be objective and work with this new load of issues the D brings.

That's great for the kids but it only serves to make these self centered spouses even less accountable.

yes indeed, I did it all since he really didnt' take interest, I couldn't wait to be involved since when I was in school my parents were not that involved, my mom tried a little, now and then she'd check schoolwork, but having her own restaurant she couldnt' do it all the time, and after the D and I lived with my dad no one had an inkling how the hell I was doing in school, after I moved here same thing (US), I'd get the honor roll all the time, no one knew nor asked nor took pride in it.