Wish I would remember the title of this song I heard yesterday, but one line I loved was "I should've started running long time ago".
The line is from the song "Over You" from Daughtry. Many of us can relate to the words in this song. It's amazing that such a young man can exude the feelings from this song as though he experienced it personally.
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
It's been awhile since I've been here and it seems to me that you have figured it all out with hottie Teacher.
It's amazing what we can learn about ourselves through this process. You realized that you were vulnerable and that maybe you were trying to speed things along. I do believe that with the upcoming D, you were trying to find comfort in someone else. God does have a plan and yes if we go with the flow, we will know what his plan is.
Now there is nothing wrong with being friends. Friends share so much more about themselves and what better way for you to get to know him.
Love to you, ISLH
Hi ISLH,
Yep, it's tough sometimes to figure out what's best for us, isn't it? But rushing things doesn't help anything.
I'm so glad you stopped by, and I hope you're doing well.
Love, N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Very good question. Did I feel good about myself before all of this...do you mean before Mitch high tailed it out of here? NO, actually I hadn't felt good about myself for a very long time. I was overweight and oppressed by my circumstances.
It wasn't until AFTER he left that I pulled my act together. Focusing on my art has helped so much. It is a passion for me and so I credit it that, and scuba diving with a serious boost to my confidence. Both those things take courage as well and for me, overcoming fears is a big part of feeling good about myself.
Dating is no differnt and as you saw with that letter, I go, very easily, into that place of fear. That is the place where I doubt if I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough etc. As my mother says, it's not about what happens to us but how we handle it that will define us. So, this time, I decided I would be proactive. I AM NOT going to sit around and pine for karate man. I am NOT going to wait around for him to call, email, whatever. I'm not going to put all my eggs in the karate man's basket because THAT is what is really scary. Also I really listen to my friends here who advise me. They think more clearly for me than I can when I am in that place of fear and I really trust that they will guide me straight.
I have to keep telling myself I am worth it. I talk to myself and tell myself these things out loud. Try it, it works! I have to tell it to myself and hear it from my friends here until I believe it. The power of positive thought! I was so low when I came here the other day. My best friend had just had an amazing date with a guy who really treated her right and I was absolutely thrilled for her because she deserves it, but it highlighted what I was not getting. I honestly wasn't jealous but I was feeling a little sorry for myself and I decided to get proactive on it.
Clearly I am not simply going to find Mr. Wonderful around the corner and that is that. It would be nice, but it aint gonna happen! Part of my process is obviously "dating." And as Ellie reminded me, if I had other dates lined up I would be less focused on karate man. SO...I decided I would contact some of the other men who have been interested in me and make a date or two. It can't hurt and it is a learning experience. I know you aren't interested in dating around Nicola, and frankly, neither am I, BUT having a male friend who has the potential for a little romance is a good thing for us right now. Yes, we are vulnerable and it is scary, but all you have to do is remind yourself that you are the prize and it becomes much less scary. You are in control of your destiny--you are not in control of the guy you have a crush on however because that may or may not lead anywhere, but there are lots of other fish in the sea...maybe it's time to go fishing luv. Being in control, or at least feeling like I have some control over my romantic life, is very empowering for me. You deserve to be pursued, courted, romanced and adored. Like Ellie said (She's a friggin' genius as far as I'm concerned) don't settle for anything less than someone who is besotted with you!!!
Right now I am looking at "finding love" with the same discernment I had when I went looking for a car. I knew exactly what I wanted. I knew all the features. I knew the price I was willing to pay. There were lots of candidates but none of them had all the qualities. I had to compare and contrast until I found one that met MOST of my expectations. I was ready to buy it but I was also ready to walk away if the dealers screwed around with me or if the car flunked my test drive. I was not going to be trifled with when it came to buying a car so I figured I sure as heck am not going to be trifled with when it comes to finding love.
I won't make excuses for why a guy goes underground and stops contacting me. "Maybe he's busy, traveling, blah, blah, blah." Well, maybe, but frankly I am never so far out of touch that I can't let someone I care about know I am thinking of them. It's easy in this day and age. This aint the era of telegrams and pony express after all. If he isn't in touch, in means he's not into me! I get it! I can deal with it.
Nicola, setting your sights on only one man may work for you and I hope it does, but I urge you to go on dates. Dating does not mean you are throwing the towel in with the crush. You are a loyal and monogamous person and I respect that, but dating, especially post marriage and at our age, is a differnt animal. Most of the men you date won't make it to date #2. But some will. YOu will learn so much about yourself. YOu will learn to know what you want and what you do not want. Someone used the term recreational dating (I forget who that was) but I thought it was an apt term. It is a nice distraction and who knows what may come of it.
You are a gorgeous, smart, funny, deep, talented and interesting woman. remind yourself of this every day. YOu are special--they don't grow women like you on banana trees you know! Eventually Nicola you won't need to remind yourself of this because you will simply know it and it will bring an inner peace far superior to anything a man can give you.
That's my theory anyway.
Gotta go--flaky artist is buzzing my cell...here we go again!!!
Love, A
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
This is such a great post; I am going to print it.
I really like your idea of just telling yourself over and over again that you're great. I guess reinforcement is the key. Self-esteem issues have been with me since childhood, so I guess they won't go away easily. The whole thing with my crush brought back the feelings that I had when stbx left - even though I know that (at least in this case) it really has nothing to do with me.
As for the dating around...I think I just need to get back into put myself out there in world, and just smiling and talking to men. That would be a good start! I have been isolating myself a bit, esp with the winter, and that's not good for me.
I saw my T yesterday, and we talked about co-dependency. I had thought it was rubbish b/c I read a book that seemed to say that any kind of caring was actually co-dependence - or at least, that's how I interpreted it. In any case, after giving it some more thought, I realized that I was behaving in a classic co-dependent way: I wanted to be with someone who needed me, and also to be rescued (strange dichotomy, I know). I was liking the fact that he has some problems right now b/c then I'd be in a position to help him, which made me feel good. Now, I'm not saying that being supportive is a bad thing; on the contrary, I think it's very important. But my reasons were not good: it was to validate myself.
Unlike stbx, this guy actually wants to deal with his stuff and be a grown-up! WTF??!!! Seriously, I realized that it pi$$ed me off that he doesn't want to be babied. That was my dynamic with stbx for so long, I really don't know how else to be in a R. So, as my T said, thank God (literally) that this is now on hold. If we were to get together now, I would end up creating yet another unhealthy R. The good thing is, I know what I need to work on now - and who knows what will happen in the future?
Speaking of which...guess who was totally checking me out today, and then STARING at me? (I looked really cute, I might add!) Funny how that see-saw works isn't it?
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
