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A Message from Michele
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Ready2Change (II) - Detached #1407639
04/03/08 03:51 AM
04/03/08 03:51 AM
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Posts: 7,803
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline OP
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Ready2Change  Offline OP
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Colorado
My First Thread is now locked

I feel completely detached right now. The woman I married and loved turned into the Alien W. Only time I see "my real love" is when she is not interacting with me.

I don't know if my DBing is bringing my W any closer. All I know is that it is making me a better person and I am feeling better. I will be OK whichever path W chooses to take. I still have faith and hope that the alien W will slowly disappear and my new W stays married to me. If W chooses to destroy the family, I am sure I am going to feel pain I have never felt before. I dread seeing the pain D will bring to my children.....


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Ready2Change (II) - Detached [Re: Ready2Change] #1407641
04/03/08 03:56 AM
04/03/08 03:56 AM
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 3,921
Venezuela
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JenInVen Offline
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JenInVen  Offline
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Just hang in there! If you really want her to come back then you might have to wait it out and keep up what you're doing at the same time. There are many here who have been here for months even years and as scarey as that prospect might be if she does return it'll be worth the pain, tears and hard work. And you know you will have stood for whats important to you and you kids.

Jen.


Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*

The end of the DB road
Re: Ready2Change (II) - Detached [Re: Ready2Change] #1407643
04/03/08 04:02 AM
04/03/08 04:02 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline OP
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Ready2Change  Offline OP
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Colorado
Today was good day!

I hit another weight target. My change in diet and exercising (as well as the stress of sitch) is working.

After work I went on 24 mile bike ride. It felt good! I stayed in fat burning mode 95% of time.

After ride, I went to Gym showered and dressed nice.

I made it home 20 minutes before Kids bed time. It was great to see kids!

S9 was reading to W.

S7 Came out with hugs and kisses! We played in TV room for a while. We did the "spiderman" upside down hang (first time!). D5 was with us and then she wanted to do it. GOOD TIMES!

I pleasantly said "Goodnight Mommy" to W. She mumbled something.

I read stories to Kids and snuggled till they fell asleep. Can't beat that feeling!

I am going to read DR again. I need to talk to DB coach soon.

_______________________________________________________
1. What do I really, really, really want?
To be prepared with good responses when W "NEEDS TO TALK"
2. Happiest moment today:
S7/D5 doing the Spiderman Hang! (ALSO: several women returned smiles as I was riding past)
3. Refine my mantra
I can talk to anyone without feeling guilty!





"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Ready2Change (II) - Detached [Re: JenInVen] #1407646
04/03/08 04:11 AM
04/03/08 04:11 AM
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Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline OP
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Ready2Change  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,803
Colorado
Thanks Jen!

Originally Posted By: JenInVen
Just hang in there! If you really want her to come back then you might have to wait it out and keep up what you're doing at the same time...And you know you will have stood for whats important to you and you kids.


That's the plan! I am going to swallow every "bitter pill" that alien W gives me. I am not planning on supporting the D. It is her choice, not mine. I will know I did my best to save the M and Family.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Ready2Change (II) - Detached [Re: Ready2Change] #1407663
04/03/08 05:24 AM
04/03/08 05:24 AM
Joined: Feb 2008
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addie Offline
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I read your first thread. You're doing great with all your 180's and GAL. Keep doing what you're doing - your W will start to notice all the changes.


Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Re: Ready2Change (II) - Detached [Re: addie] #1407715
04/03/08 11:34 AM
04/03/08 11:34 AM
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I have begun excercising regularly again and it does make me feel better. So keep up the good work! My D is what is keeping me going these days, I can't see myself without her so I will do whatever I can to hang on to her andd my W.

Those bitter pills are getting harder and harder to swallow, I know what you mean.

Stay strong.

Re: Ready2Change (II) - Detached [Re: Hoping4theBest] #1407716
04/03/08 11:39 AM
04/03/08 11:39 AM
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Arthur Offline
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Nice work R2C and also H4B who's latest post I've just read.

I cannot get over how similar the situations are on here for us all. Certainly the male angle we seem to be the same the then the womens ones do too (IMO).

This is why I need to spend sometime going through the success stories. Still book not due for another 10+ days so gotta use this site for my inspiration and tips till then at lease.

GL

Re: Ready2Change (II) - Detached [Re: Arthur] #1407735
04/03/08 12:13 PM
04/03/08 12:13 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,012
St. Louis area
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Starshyne Offline
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Ready2Change,
You are really inspriing to me. I am trying to detatch. For the first time I am actually serious when I say that. This is just really hard. Just like the book says, your instinct when you feel like you are losing something is to hang onto it. I hope to be in the same emotional spot that you are right now one day in the near future.

Sara


Me-31 H-38
M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs
No kids
Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06
Found out about OW 12-24-07
Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08
OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08
OW is back 4-19-08
H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08
Filed for divorce 6-5-08
Divorced 7-2-08
Re: Ready2Change (II) - Detached [Re: Ready2Change] #1407781
04/03/08 01:24 PM
04/03/08 01:24 PM
Joined: Mar 2005
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Just_Me Offline
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R2C,

Sounds like you are doing very well. I especially like what's going on with the kids. That's great.

Two things: First, about mysterious. The several episodes you listed sound like you are having an affair. If it comes across that way to me, it very easily could to her, especially since that's her mindset at the moment. I've never been a real advocate of fake mystery. If you were actually separated, I'd say, "keep so busy that she can't always get ahold of you", but because you are living in the same house and she sees your comings and goings, any "mysterious" and vague, "I'm going out" or "I'll be late for dinner" sound like cheating, especially since you are apparently so happy at the moment, despite the fact she dropped a bomb. I personally would tone down on the mystery.

The second thing: Are you fitting this GAL, etc, into a favorable time? I know the focus should be on yourself, largely, but you should still consider your wife's feelings. Meaning, I hope you aren't leaving her all the activity that seems to come before and after dinnertime while you are at the gym. If so, it will seem very selfish. You don't want her resenting you because you took off right before or after dinner.

Third thing (sorry, couldn't help myself): I'm sure you are doing this, but just a reminder that you can still be nice. If you haven't asked her any questions about work or her life, it's okay to do so, and you can then show her how well you listen. I just mention this because sometimes a person gets so successful at detaching, and so good at getting a life, that it comes across as a person that is self-centered and couldn't give a rip that the marriage is breaking down. You can, and should, give her attention, but only as much as she's willing to accept. If she rebuffs any attempt to engage her in conversation, then it's not the right time.

Well, good luck.


In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
Abraham Lincoln

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.
Theodore Roosevelt

Re: Ready2Change (II) - Detached [Re: Ready2Change] #1407921
04/03/08 03:38 PM
04/03/08 03:38 PM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,938
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slowly Offline
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Hi R2C - It is encouraging to see the baby steps, no?

Quote:
I talked to SIL today (second time since bomb) about the wedding. I let her know I was planning on attending unless W insists that I do not go. She said she understands if I do not go.

She also pointed out two examples of how I was "insensitive" in the past. I had no idea I even hurt W on these two occations. It is amazing how not dicussing your feelings can build up all the resentment. I know I held back my feelings and W had no idea she hurt me.


Just wondering if you have done anything to show that the 'insensitive' part of you has changed, and indeed, changed for good? It would be counter productive to reference these incidents, but maybe if there is a way to show W that you would approach the situation differently?

Quote:
W was at store when MIL called. I told her "your mom called". She said "you didn't tell her I was at the bar did you?"


Do you know why this is an issue for W?

Great job, R2C - keep the changes that work. \:\) Slowly


A Liberal Allowance of Time
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