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#1386797 03/15/08 01:24 AM
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sgctxok Offline OP
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What is a 180.....?

A complete OPPOSITE of

your MORE OF THE SAME behaviors

your partner's stereotype of you

the things that irritate your partner about you


We discussed the More of the Same behaviors in a different thread....what would be THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of that?


What are your partner's stereotypes of you.....and what could you do to completely blow that stereotype?


What about you irritates your partner? What can you do that is the opposite of that?




Challenge each other on your own threads.


If you need clarification...ask questions here.


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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sg,I have a question for you, my W thinks that all of the work I am doing to help myself is to save the marriage. As in her terms she believes that I will do anything to WIN. This is my nature as I do hate to lose, of course as I have tried to tell her, this is not about winning and losing, this is my family that we are messing with. Can you tell me what a complete 180 would be for someone in my situation. I have no idea what to do as she has made this comment plenty of times, "you will do what you can to come home and then everything will go right back to where it once was." Please help.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1397718&page=3#Post1397718
ping1 #1401331 03/27/08 04:24 AM
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IMO you have to do the 180s because you want to better yourself. Saving your marriage/family is the planned byproduct of that. You can't 180 things just for the other person. The 180s I have done make me a better person, regardless of what my marital status is. These are the changes we make for ourselves that benefit others, too.

For instance, I'm not the neatest person. Since my H and I were dating, I never made the bed daily and usually used the chair for my laundry hamper. I know that being messy was a problem for him. I'm still myself, but I make the bed every day when I get up and I put my clothes right into the laundry. You know what? Am I doing this just for him? Perhaps it started that way, but I realize that taking the little extra time to be neater is actually better and now I do it for me. Trust me, he's noticed.


Me: 42/H: 37
T: 10 years/M: 8
D9, S8
Bomb: 7.23.07
Separated: 1.20.08
D Final 3.19.09
Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09

My life is good.
cw68 #1401381 03/27/08 05:04 AM
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Thanks cw, I am doing these things for me to become a better person as I know they are needed. My question is how do you do a 180 on being someone who always wants to win and your W believes that the only reason you are making these changes are to save the R and in other words WIN. This is tough for me to come up with a 180 to do this with. Do you have any insight of what type of 180 I would need to do for this type of situation? Thanks.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1397718&page=3#Post1397718
ping1 #1401393 03/27/08 05:17 AM
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You have to do some 180s that benefit you and only you.

For instance, among other things, I've taken to doing the crossword puzzle in the newspaper every morning just because it's something I've never done before and I thought I'd enjoy it. (I mostly do though not knowing all the answers drives me up the wall!) A side benefit is that having hobbies is attractive. I'm enjoying doing new things and I have a feeling that my H is enjoying me doing new things. This is a good DB move because you're blowing their expectations of you. The person I was before was an unsuccessful spouse, regardless of whether or not I believe my H was "more" responsible for the demise of our marriage. I don't want to be that person I was before, I want to be better.

GAL. You don't GAL to win, you GAL to GAL.


Me: 42/H: 37
T: 10 years/M: 8
D9, S8
Bomb: 7.23.07
Separated: 1.20.08
D Final 3.19.09
Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09

My life is good.
cw68 #1401682 03/27/08 03:55 PM
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[quote=cw68]You have to do some 180s that benefit you and only you.

For instance, among other things, I've taken to doing the crossword puzzle in the newspaper every morning just because it's something I've never done before and I thought I'd enjoy it. (I mostly do though not knowing all the answers drives me up the wall!) A side benefit is that having hobbies is attractive. I'm enjoying doing new things and I have a feeling that my H is enjoying me doing new things. This is a good DB move because you're blowing their expectations of you. The person I was before was an unsuccessful spouse, regardless of whether or not I believe my H was "more" responsible for the demise of our marriage. I don't want to be that person I was before, I want to be better.


You are exactly right on you GAL for yourself which is what I am doing. The problem is my with believes this is my way of winning. How do you get a WAW to see this is not the case? If someone has always strived to win, what is a 180 that goes against that?


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1397718&page=3#Post1397718
ping1 #1401690 03/27/08 04:04 PM
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Doing 180s that benefit you personally, not because it's something that your W wants. Did my H want me to start doing crossword puzzles? No. Did my H want me to start lifting weights? No, he just thought I should go to the gym regularly for my health. The weight lifting benefits ME. Pick up some hobbies that scream PING1!

GAL isn't about her, it's about you. As long as you keep thinking that GAL is just for your marriage, she will think it's about winning and she'll be right.


Me: 42/H: 37
T: 10 years/M: 8
D9, S8
Bomb: 7.23.07
Separated: 1.20.08
D Final 3.19.09
Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09

My life is good.
cw68 #1403340 03/29/08 03:45 AM
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Hi Ping,

Ditto to cw68's remarks above. In addition, I think your W's comments likely reflect another way of saying "I'm noticing the changes you are making but I am scared that it won't last or that it is not for real. I like what I am seeing but don't want to trust right now." So, if that is true, part of it is you need to sustain those changes for quite a long time--they need to become part of your lifestyle vs. a technique--and then you may find that the guard comes down a little bit more.

My $0.02.

Purr

Purr #1404696 03/31/08 07:40 AM
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sgctxok Offline OP
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I agree with what the others are saying.

I also think she's not seeing the 'real giving' part yet. It's not just about GAL.

There's something about the 180 that says....I really care about YOU the things that were hurting you or putting you off. The 180 about how you handle your interpersonal interactions. When THOSE things change...in my experience.....it becomes 'real' or 'meaningful' to the other person.


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
ping1 #1417959 04/16/08 01:42 AM
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I can totally relate to this "winning/losing" dynamic you're describing. Interestingly, some of my GAL moves are things my husband seems to be enjoying. I don't pester him about his whereabouts, so he feels free to move and groove. I don't ask him who he's with much anymore, either, and don't really get into too much detail with him about his day.

I also see that my husband sees me doing the GAL thing, and getting busier, happier and less needy and available to him morning, noon and night as a retaliatory act for his checked-out demeanor at home and his frequent business trips. He's said he feels like he's losing my attention, as if I'm trying to hurt him.

I'm trying to be really true to myself, to do the GAL thing in the right spirit - so that I'm actually making myself feel happier, not just trying to manipulate the situation or turn t the screws. And it's working, but it sure isn't comfortable. There are many times a day when I have to remind myself not to obsess about him and refocus on my own initiatives and plans. I've reminded him that in the past, me not being busy with my own life has been a problem for our relationship, and he acknowledges that. But it's definitely taking him out of his comfy spot to not have me at his beckon call.

As one friend said, "it's the bad behavior that feels comfortable,the good behavior is more of a stretch." Call me Gumby!


Me: Pursuer and hating it! Married for the second time, 45
1 Daughter by first marriage (10)
Him: Distancer and enjoying life, 47, second marriage
1 Troubled teen son by first marriage (17)
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