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Originally Posted By: Jeff223
We arrive here like a soldier who is wounded on the battlefield and wakes up weeks later in the hospital. He never really meets the people who saved him. He only knows that without their help he would have died.

How true Jeff....so true. And it was your comment Jeff, that, upon reading, I decided to do one more thread. I would never be able to list all the people here who have helped me without going over almost 2 years of posts. Some of you been with me from the very start...those I can list of the top of my head...Jeff223, DonH, ISLH, nicola, ford, WCW

Long termers include 25 years MLC..4kids..FaithfulH...among many

Some people who haven't been back for awhile...BBA, eg

Others have disappeared....S_O_T_S, tyler

If I didn't list you, it's just that there are so many.

I guess it is not much longer before I go with the wind myself. I, like others, don't think I have the emotional energy to take on any newcomers. Although I am entering a difficult phase of my life...I feel more or less like I am approaching the end of one phase...my marriage. I don't know if I will think differently later, but...time will tell. This post is simply, well, a catch up, since many here have followed me for so long, I feel they deserve to know what happened. Hence..a....? last thread?.

A True Story

Many years ago while I was in college, I was doing a procedure while in my research portion of my last year of college for my thesis. I was a biochemistry major and to graduate with honors, I had to do a year of research and write a thesis. I had spent weeks breaking down and preparing a small protein taken from the outer cell wall of a bacterium. The small amount of blue-colored material had to be 'pipetted' into a small container holding a thin gel (electrophoresis), where, a current would be applied over a day or so....driving the components along the gel at different speeds and leaving a pattern that is like a fingerprint. It's like making a fingerprint...similar to DNA analysis.

The gel has little wells on top that you pipette the material into:
http://www.bme.gatech.edu/vcl/SDS_PAGE/Background/Assets/ComboutWells.gif
Since the gel is underwater, you must pipette your sample out slowly and carefully.

On the day that I was starting to pipette the material in (which took days to prepare), my professor walked over to me to watch over my shoulder. He was Japanese and a full professor at the University. I once was invited to his home for dinner, truly a cultural experience. He was grey-haired with a grey mustache and reminded me of either a kamikaze pilot or a samurai. The workers bowed to him and he mostly spoke in Japanese while in the lab.

As he stared over his glasses, I became quite nervous. Afterall, he was a full professor and I would have to defend my thesis in front him when it was time for graduation. With my hands shaking, the little blue protein sample began to miss the wells, and, with a sinking feeling in my stomach, my hard work slowly started to float away and disappear as it diffused through the water. Gone.

I turned around, expecting to see my professor prepared to castigate me for my poor technique. Instead, he stared at me, smiled and looked over his eyeglasses. AFter a minute of looking at me, he uttered something I will never forget:
Quote:
"Saru mo ki kara ochiru"
.

He walked away. One of the other doctoral fellows, visiting from Japan, a guy named Kenzo, was standing nearby and chuckling. I walked over and asked him to translate.

He smiled...looked at me and said, "Even the monkey falls from the tree."

We should all stop blaming ourselves......release the guilt and resentment....and go forward with life.

I am in the storm now. Update to follow.
FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
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That is a great story FIB.

I think a break or longer from the board might be good for you. It was here when you needed it.

Be good in all that you do, except fatherhood, be great in that.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Quote:
I am in the storm now. Update to follow.
FIB


You can ride this out my friend but take some pics for the truly devastating can be beautiful!!



cire

Last edited by Virginia; 03/19/08 06:33 PM.
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To Jack...thanks for your post. Don't take this the wrong way, but, I sorta think of you like the DB father that you go to for advice on life. Your posts are always welcome. Stay strong with your piecing. As for fatherhood, it's what my life is all about right now. Stay strong..and thanks for all your support thru the years. You're a good man.

To cire....it's reassuring to know that you keep after me and check in.....know that I am always supporting you as well. Keep those links going. I still click on the Hoyt link when things get dark. FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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My last post was on 2/22/08. It is now 3/19.

As posted...after filing.....I continued to show my W..in quiet ways...that there could be ways to avoid going thru this. As a reminder, my W followed me in the pouring rain to a gas station on the night that I was going to stay overnight at my buddy Paul's house, upstate. I stood out in the rain, consoling her, as she begged me not to sleep over (she believed, despite what I told her..that I was going to stay overnight with a woman....which I wasn't). Almost out of Casablanca...I stood there, outside her car door, telling her that this was in her hands....that...she knows what it would take by now to turn our M around...that bridges needed to be rebuilt between our families and the trust needed to be rebuilt. I went upstate...but came back in the wee hours.

Since this time, my W tried to spoon with me...typically coming downstairs on the couch at 5AM while I was dead asleep. Some people criticized me for allowing her to do this, but, my W had told me at one point that "on some level, it helps to ease my pain". I knew that this was being done FOR HER...and not for us...and that all would change after the complaint came in. In fact, my W spooned with me the morning that she went to her L's to get it.

One day, about 2 weeks or so, my W did something she hasn't done in.....months? a year? or more? She came to my office and brought D4 with her. Her reason? D4 wanted to bring me coffee. No. She came for another reason....and not sure why. To say goodbye? To see my office manager one more time? To check out if my practice was busier? The following day I got a text from her: I guess you could tell that I heard from my L that your complaint came in. I'm scared."

All through this time, I let her know DESPITE what others recommended...that I had to write those 30 evil things....that it was required by me by the State of NY....that is was the most painful thing I have ever had to do...that this was what she wanted. There was ample time for her to express desire to stop this...or express some regret...etc. None was forthcoming.

On the morning of her receipt of the complaint...she lied to me. She told me that she was going to her hair salon to cut a wedding party. Again, the lie seemed very real. She lies very well. I am not sure why she didn't just come out and say "I have an appt with my L to pick up the complaint"....especially since she already told me that her L told her it was in. When she came home, her eyes were red...she was withdrawn......

To follow. FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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On the day of the receipt of the letter, my W went from soft questions and sobbing to utter anger and unmitigated rage. Red in the face...constricted pupils....screaming at me at the top of her lungs. At one point, I quietly told her that if she didn't lower her voice so that the kids couldn't hear, I would leave to go for a walk. She continued to yell. I grabbed my coat and went for a walk.
Some of the comments of the day or so after this:
-why am I doing this to punish her
-she said she was sorry
-I'll never take her kids away from her
-she'll fight me to her grave
-she'll contest this and drag it on for years
-that I'd better have a big bankroll
-that I was the liar..not her...since I said I would never take the kids from her

She went on to comment about a text I had sent her..that she never really got to know me. She said, "well I guess you were right....the man I married would never have done this to me". I guess her indiscretions and treatment of me for the last 2 years are forgotten easily. Funny...the only thing she has focused on in the entire complaint, of course, was the full custody comment.

Since that time, she has started a parenting 'pissing contest'. She has taken away my private times with the kids (bathtime, eg). I can't keep up with all the new toys coming in...the daily excursions....she's even brushing their teeth twice daily. Only you can all know whether this is her 'hurt little girl' now trying to be a mommy, or, whether her L has her doing this and they are plotting things.

Her anger has diminished. She doesnt' talk to me. She HAS made me dinner on two evenings and even asked me last night if I would like some pasta.

I never got a chance to have a 'final R talk' or discuss the complaint...she never lowered her tone and anger enough for me to even do that. I am keeping to myself, minimizing communication to avoid possibly being taped or dragged into something that she would use against me. I am being otherwise cordial.

I do not enjoin her in the contest.
I always say things like 'kiss mommy goodnight'.
I let her be "MEGA MOM" now.
I take care of myself for the most part.

As you know, my W is a hair stylist. Today, for the first time in 14 years, I scheduled an appt to get my haircut with someone else. Thanks for your continued support as I wind this down.

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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FIB,

I am glad to see that you started a new thread. Your a wise man and there is a lot in your posts that others can learn from(me included).

The anger and rage in your STBX is something that you cannot control. It sounds like you are doing your best not to get dragged into it. It's best for you and your children that you not get dragged into her drama. Of course everything right now is about you and how you are punishing her...how you drove her to this state.... I'm not saying you were a perfect H, but she is accountable for her own words and actions...not you. To me the small gestures that your W is showing, like dinner, is her trying to be cordial about the realities of your sitch. Hopefully she can keep the drama at bay, really I hope she can step up and do what needs to be done to stop the D, because it is best for everyone.

If your sitch ends anything like mine...cooler heads will prevail. Not to say the drama and the blame wasn't there but it was kept out of the business of D.

Keep your focus on your kids and take care of yourself. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Take Care,
Scott

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(((FIB)))

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I wish that it hadn't come to this, and I know you've done your very best to ensure that it didn't. But here you are. And here she is - and she doesn't like it much either.

I do hope that things will settle down, and I think that they will. It will take time though, at least a few weeks, or even a few months. She must be very shaken up right now, and she is reacting in a way that does actually make sense when you think about it from her POV. Not that that makes it any easier for you.

You will get through this, and your kids will too. They will NOT be traumatized for life b/c you will not let that happen. This may be what your W needs to get help, which may or may not save your M, but could save her and her R with the children.

FIB, thanks for thinking of me at this difficult time.

Best,
Nicola


Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself
My thread: Trusting God's Plan
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No problem Nic..and, of course, Scott....it is comforting seeing you here.

This morning, I went to meet my IC. She's great. She asked me to meet her in a park that I've never been to yet is not far from my house. It is a walking park..with animals...a pond....she wanted to show me it so that I could bring my kids there. So....MY COUNSELLOR...AND I....went for a walk this morning.

WOW. She's great.

My IC, like most, won't TELL me what to do many times...but...she feels strongly that returning to my X would be a mistake if it ever happened. We've been discussing my sitch now since the bomb. She feels firmly that she is either Bipolar II or Borderline. Eg,

After reading the above post, this morning, before I left to meet my IC, my W came to me with tears in her eyes and said, "I wish you were going with us." Again....I think she was afraid I was going to meet someone and perhaps she was trying to change the morning dynamic...or.....as my IC says: idealization/devaluation:
-FIB, you suck, I'll take you to the cleaners, better have a big bankroll....then...I wish you were coming with me. I thought my response out carefully. "So do I". I continued reading a short book with my D4 then left to meet my IC. I spent Easter by myself.

She went on to say that...for my W (or stbxw) to have a shot at saving this, she would:
-have to take an active roll in taking her meds, stick with it and stay consistent
-recognize that she needs help and get counselling
-desire to save the M
-undergo DBT....dialectical behavioral therapy

Most here know that my W (or stbxw)...shows no signs of doing anything above. Actions DO speak louder than words.

Wishing you all a Happy Easter. FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Mar 2006
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((((FIB)))) Your C does sound wonderful! I tried to get mine to go pole dancing with me but she wouldn't <g>.

You sound like you are doing the best you can with a bad situation.


Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.

bomb: Jan 25, 2006
not seen since
DD moved in with H - 9/1/08
H filed for divorce - 11/2008
Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010
still nothing
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