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Originally Posted By: Daybreak


It looks to me that you are at the "After the Last Resort" stage or are very close to that - and there is no going back over the Rubicon once that happens. No judgement from here but I know you will do the best thing for you and your children - and those who really know what you have been through will be in your corner regardless...


Hi Daybreak,

I'll have to find my copy of db and dr to refresh my memory as to what the difference between the LRT and the After the LRT is. The difficult thing for me is trying to figure out exactly what is in the best interest of the children. If I can't change the dynamic between h and I, I feel like my children will be getting less than they deserve. Perhaps if h is no longer living the lie of being my h he will grow and then have more to offer the children than the scripted version of life. I really wish I could wake him up, have him understand how short life is and that you can't keep assuming you'll have next year or next decade or your retirement to enjoy your family and your life. I thought he learned that during seperation but maybe those were just lies to tell to get back home. I just don't know what to do anymore. If I didn't believe h was capable of being "more" I don't think I would have let him home or even held on for as long as I have. I understand the waw statement "too little to late and are these changes for real" I've been living the cycle for too long not to think that. I'm starting to realize that the waw's get a bad rap...sure some of it they deserve by waiting until they are involved with OM to leave...what though is the difference between a woman who waits for OM before they leave or the one who waits until they get a job or loose the weight or get the house in order or ...

UGH

LL

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LL,

It's funny. I've been reading your sitch and it reminds me of where I've been and where my marriage was after H's first affair. That was over 10 years ago. It occurred after our second child was born. Looking back I know we had many years of just kind of plodding along in the marriage, trying to "fix it," but never really feeling connected again.

Over the years I know we both thought of leaving. I had read a book once about a character married to a doctor who leaves her home, travels to another state, and then quietly starts a new life there. She gets an apartment, a simple job, and even has a romance! I never forgot that book and I used to dream about doing the same thing. Just chucking everything and starting a new life elsewhere. But, I didn't do it, even through I've never forgotten that book. Someday I would like to have an adventure like that. (Although I did have some fun and adventure during the D!) By the way, at the end of that book the character ends up going back to her home and being with her husband. There was no drama to it. She just kind of decides it's time to go back to her life. I think she felt it was comfortable and where she belonged.

I wish I had some good advice for you. I think it's a very good idea that you are going back to school. Interestingly, that had been my plan too. I had figured once the kids were a little more independent I'd go back to school to brush up on my education, maybe get an extra degree or credential... and then go have MY adventure.

But my husband jumped the gun on me!


There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
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adding to the draft letter a few posts back



I think our kids deserve to have a whole family. A whole family to me is not just having mom and dad still married and living under the same roof. It’s having a mom and dad who still make the time to spend with each other, who still laugh together, who are friends and can deal with issues as a team. I feel like we are just going through the motions at best. You are dad who does what he does and I am mom who does what she does but where is the example of a loving couple that our children would hope to one day aspire to. If we cannot find a way to be that for our children’s benefit then I don’t see how the “we got married and had kids and that’s just the way it is” is a positive way to look at things. Time is passing quickly and the kids are no longer babies. They are starting to create their own pictures of what their adult lives will, should be. If we are giving them an example we don’t want for them we are not being good parents.

As I said above, I don’t want our marriage to be over but I do want the way our marriage has been to be over. Something has to change what that is I don’t know. I could be completely wrong but despite your silence on the subject I don’t believe you are truly happy or even content with our current relationship either.

For the record these are my thoughts and feelings and mine alone. I don’t know what the next step is. I’d like for us to be able to honestly discuss things without resorting to threats of selling the house or waking up one day and deciding it’s not worth it. You asked who wrote the book on how it’s (marriage) supposed to be…well, I think that’s up to the individuals in a marriage. Being that a marriage is made up of two distinct individuals it can be difficult to come to an understanding of what that means for them. It’s time we figured out what we each think a marriage “should” be and how those views differ and what if anything we can do to find a compromise or solution for those differences if we find they are there.

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realizing h may be an alchoholic and as much as I don't like to put labels on people I think he fits the profile very well. Having said that...I don't think it'll make a rats a$$ what I say or do he's not going to change and this is NOT ok for my children.

Oldtimer...it's taken me a long time but I think we are going to see real movement in LL's world very soon!

LL

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