Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
oldtimer #1377314 03/06/08 01:45 PM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
I know DB tells us not to snoop but let's face it sometimes it is warrented and even a smart thing to do. You can't always go on acting as if unless that is your acting as if everything really is screwed up.

In trying to figure out wtf is really going on around here (my home that is) I've been paying closer attention to the little things...what time h leaves for "work" if he calls at all during the day, what time he comes home, his behaviour when he does come home, when and where he actually goes to sleep, time spent with the kids, any drinking that I can see, phone calls in the bathroom or truck etc.

During his A before I knew about it I used to look at his cig pack (back then I didn't carry my own pack just waited for him to get home and would have one or two at the end of the day) and would often find a "lucky" one turned over. He usually explained it away as an accident but it was often enough that it may have been a childish move by ow after all she did sign a letter to him with T.L.A. (incase you've grown up and forgotten that it means true love always). His pack was in our master bath and something had me open it. There was no "lucky" but there was half of a pill. I don't know what kind of pill it is and am assuming it's not his script as it seems he's off that and if it were his script why leave 1/2 of one in your cig pack instead of the bottle. I spoke to my mom who works in the med field and has all the different books with pics of different meds to see if she could help identify it. What she came up with doesn't look good. I took it and will be bringing it to a pharmasist to see if they can help me identify it.

Some may say, what's the point. The point is when I discovered h's ea it was almost a relief...it helped to explain alot of the missing things in our r. drugs and drinking would help explain alot of what's still missing and if I KNOW more about what's going on with him the better position I will be in to put my foot down and not have him telling me I'm just a crazy spoiled little girl. Of course he doesn't use those exact words but he may as well.


any thoughts?

LL

Oldtimer,

I did look up the book you suggested on Amazon and even read some of the reviews. I don't think it's something that would benefit this relationship but may be something I look into at another point.

Thanks for always sticking by me.

LL

Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
(1) I take it the pill is probably viagra or cialis?

(2) PM will be good for YOU, regardless of the status of your M. Really. PM is a tougher read than DB, but you're a smart chick. Take a look at it. It is about living a life as a distinct individual that works for YOU.


Best,
Oldtimer
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
And no, like I've said b4, your H is not asexual.


Best,
Oldtimer
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Hey Oldtimer,

I know my h is not asexual if he were why would he have been renting pay per view porn?

The pill I found turned out to not be too interesting. It's clonazepam and anti seizure med also prescribed for panic attacks. I know that over the past 3 or 4 (who can even tell anymore) years h has been on and off paxil and at one time was taking paxi (if that is what it was) daily along with this other drug when he felt like he was having an anxiety attack. The fact that he's taking it is not the big deal but when combined with the fact that he's drinking as well.

It would be one thing if he could figure out or be honest about what it is that's causing his anxiety and therefore need for this medication and drinking (the porn thing I no longer know about because he can't get it on the tv here and I don't see anything on the computer he's usually just asleep somewhere when he's home). Like let's say he has a tough day for x or y reason..he could simply say I've had a tough day so I'm taking one of my pills it will probably knock me out shortly after getting home but I just can't deal right now. instead he drinks takes the pill and then goes and falls asleep on the couch...I don't know what stressed him out or what he did all day for that matter (remember he runs his own business and it's seasonal).

at this point I think I'm just looking for that final straw but feel like I really shouldn't have to. I feel like he should stand up and say "look I'm not really happy here, I tried, I thought I could come home and make it work but the "it" I left for still isn't here" instead it will be me saying "I can't live this lifestyle any more. Your drinking and taking pills can help explain why you fall asleep almost as soon as you get home but it doesn't answer the why you need to take the pills in the first place. I didn't sign up for this life when I married you nor did I sign up for it when I let you come home after you though you didn't want to divorce me after all" yada yada yada...of course those words wont work either.

UGH!

LL

Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
Well, I guess that is better than viagara, if more dangerous. But does he have a prescription for it?

Read PM, it will be good for you.

Yes, it does seem as though you'll need to be responsible for your own choices about how to live your life rather than having someone else make the for you ;\)

BTW, I took clonazepam for awhile for a sleep disorder. It is pretty addictive, tolerance and significant withdrawal are both problems. I can't imagine why you wouldn't see the prescription bottle around unless he is hiding it for some reason.

Oh, and if it is a blue pill, are you absolutely certain it is clonazepam?


Best,
Oldtimer
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,012
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,012
I would just wonder why it was hidden in a ciggie box and not in a pill bottle.

Sara


Me-31 H-38
M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs
No kids
Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06
Found out about OW 12-24-07
Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08
OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08
OW is back 4-19-08
H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08
Filed for divorce 6-5-08
Divorced 7-2-08
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 960
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 960
Originally Posted By: Starshyne
GAL will work if you picture what you want YOUR life to be with or without your spouse or any patner and go for it.
Yes, Yes, Yes!!! This is so true. And this is what really worked for me.


Married 9 years
Kids 5 and 6
Bomb 2006
H back and forth for a year
M now back on track
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
I posted this on the other thread I started here in piecing but wanted to put it here as well where I can delve a bit more into my sit than I want to on that thread. That thread I want to keep for more general discussion allowing others to post in a way that doesn't require knowing my whole sorid story.

so for those who've followed at least the bits and pieces of my saga over the past 6 years....

I did not mean to imply with my post that the WAS are right in the way they go about leaving (OW, dropping "bombs" etc). I meant what if they really were right to have left and for whatever reason we just couldn't, haven't, don't want to accept the truth and are holding onto that "promise", "commitment", "vow", "document" and not seeing the truth.

I am not talking about the marriages that hit a rough patch and had a spouse bail out I'm talking about the m that probably shouldn't have happend to begin with.

How do you know the difference between a marriage that just went bad for various circumstances that can be fixed vs. a marriage that SHOULD have ended.

and of course if you do come to the decision that yours was/is a marriage that SHOULD have ended but your WAS suddenly doesn't think so how do you know your not seeing things in the same way they once did and only THINK, FEEL, believe (yes smaller letters) it truley SHOULD have ended.

does anyone have a crystal ball.

How do you know when your an "alien" or just an intelligent, rational, reasonable person who see's things for what they are and knows the m SHOULD be over.


OK so why I brought this here....

what if my h came home for all the reasons I gave him to come home? When he was leaving and wanted a D he gave me the "ILY but NOT In LWY" line...to which I replied "I'm not in love with you either but love you and some what not about the family etc." I recall pointing out that things would change over the years as the children grew etc. I also recall knowing back then (actually before knowing about OW) and stating to h that we couldn't just drift along waiting until retirement to enjoy eachother that if we didn't spend time fostering a r as the years go by there wouldn't be one by then...that it would be unlikely we'd want to suddenly share our lives with the stranger we'd lived with for years. Could I be wrong? Is the part of m where your building your financial future and raising the children the part where you are seprate from eachother and then when the finances are set and children grown you get to enjoy each other? No that can't be right!

There are so many things in my head, so many ideas I can't get them strait.

I'm circleing again....a huge part of me KNOWS this m is over and probably should have ended when h left or at least shortly after he came home. BUT (yes LL's famous but), what if I'm wrong? What if I've been the was all along but it was h who had the a and left. What if I've just never been in this r to begin with? That can't be right either. Is the fact that I the open LBS betrayed spouse was never happy to begin with or shocked when he did leave a sign that I was to blame (let's face it some of the LBS here weren't behaving very well and had some things that needed fixing it wasn't all the was fault) or was it h finally realizing and acting?

I could go on and on but I'll stop and see if anyone can understand what I'm trying to get at here.


LL

Joined: May 2007
Posts: 43
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 43
I kind of understand what you're saying and think you make some valid points but I can't help that think that most marriages wither because both spouses get so busy taking care of the house, the kids, finances,(or lack of) their jobs and almost everything and everyone else that they forget to take care of the one person they vowed to "love, honor and cherish." We take each other for granted and think that "our" time will come but the years keep cranking over and "our" time keeps getting pushed aside.

Hindsight being 20/20 I see what happened and am so sorry for my part in allowing my marriage to get to the stage where my husband has come to believe that he doesn't love me anymore. I mean, yes, he's going through MLC, and yes, he's lost his mind, but at the same time I have to ask myself if I did everything in my power to make our marriage a place that he would never want to leave. Hell, a good part of the time, I wanted to run away.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 960
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 960
I think that right now, you're too conflicted to make any decisions. You need to continue to work through this process, until you're not conflicted anymore -- until you know what you want -- until you stop saying, "But, what if...".

I, too, know the feeling of being conflited -- almost to the point of self torture. But I have found that the answer always come to me, in time.

As for is the WAS really the WAS... I think this is a valid point for most of the LBS. In other words, IMO, the LBS has played a significant role in the WAS leaving and having the A. Somethign was missing for them. Something wasn't right in the M. It's easy for many people to judge the WAS who has an A, saying they are "immoral" or "bad people" or whatever, but the fact is, when there is something powerful missing from the M, and the force of the A comes along to fill that void, it is easy for the WAS to fall into it.

Emotions are a strong thing. And when one is following their emotions and trying to fill their emotional needs, an A may take place.

Now, of course, having an A is "wrong" and is a betrayal. I'm just saying that if the LBS can understand how it came to be that the WAS was drawn away to begin with, it can help with forgiveness.

So, is the WAS really the WAS? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But generally speaking, it takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to make a marriage troubled.

Now back to you... just continue on this path of self discovery. I think that in time, you will find your answer.


Married 9 years
Kids 5 and 6
Bomb 2006
H back and forth for a year
M now back on track
Page 2 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard