I know it's not the case for all or even most here but what if the w.a.s WAS right to leave. What if they really weren't rewritting history or seeing things through the muddy glasses of an affair but were just starting to be honest with themselves and you the LBS. How can piecing and DB work in that case. How can you fix something that never really worked to begin with.
What if you suddenly realize this to be true and find that the once was doesn't want to be honest anymore and has just chosen to dig there heels in and stay for the sake of it without any true effort other than residing in the same dwelling?
Love is a choice. . .you make it a priority. . . you feed it and it grows, you starve it and it withers away to nothing.
Yes but what if you as the original LBS were the one who knew it needed feeding still know it needs feeding but your once was doesn't seem to understand that but is no longer walking. WTH do you do then? Can you really water a dead plant and bring it back to life? I'm not talking about the plant in my kitchen that can sometimes look like a total gonner but give it some water and ta da a couple of days later nice shiny green leaves appear...I'm talking dead brown rotted leaeves moldy soil...how can you fix that? Especially if the plant doesn't seem to give a rats arse.
I believe love is a choice. My husband believes love is a feeling. He backs this up with saying that he has no sexual attraction for me and can't "perform" because he feels this way. He says if he chose to love me, it wouldn't change that physical action. What is crazy to me is that he never had any problem in that are until he decided that he no longer loved me.
Anyhow...what I dont' understand is that in his mind he doesn't love me. He has chosen not to love me. So right now, everything I do seems to pointless. We just live together as roommates...and that is all.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
The only thing that I can hold on to right now is that love can be ressurected and that it will be.
A whole bunch of years ago (15) I "fell" out of love with my husband in much the same way he has with me right now. I almost lost him and the life we had made together. I chose to stay and chose to rediscover my love for him.
That's why I know there is hope. Love can be resurrected. I know it, have experienced it. . . now, he just has to believe.
Of course, I also realise that this is something I can't control. All I can do is keep on loving him and try to do the things that make him want to be with me. . . not doing so well in that department right now. A few steps forward and many steps back.
(I have a thread in the MLC forum if anyone would like to give some advice. . .please!)
You just be friends. There's "love" in friendship.
Also, you have to water yourself (i.e. love yourself). You can't depend on any spouse or OP to constantly provide that.
I think if there are no more kids in the house you have less to lose, but if there are underaged children that's too big a gamble. You lose too much. No OP can make up for losing the relationship with your kids (Being a part-time parent is NEVER as good as being a full-time parent. I don't care what anyone says... in doesn't come close....).
A WAS is never right to leave when there are kids involved.
Because when it comes down to it, men or women, relationships, boyfriends, girlfriends, marriages, etc... can come and go, but there's no such thing as "divorcing" one's children. Certainly one can destroy that relationship, abandon their kids, give them up for adoption, choose not to have any relationship with... but when it comes down to it, one's children (like parents), are usually the only "sure" relationship one can depend on.
One should never give that up for a "maybe." Also, if there is some other great relationship out there, if OP or a different life is "meant to be," they will still be there after the children are gone. And if not... well, then it was never meant to be.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I understand the not to leave for an OP or even for the possibility of an OP. Also walking out and "abandoning" your children is not OK.
Your post implies that if there are children you should by all means stay in a loveless marriage.
is it better to stay in a loveless (not even friendship) marriage just because you have young children.
Wouldn't it be better for the children if both parents were happy living healthy lives even if being seperate from each other is required to do that?
what if one partner doesn't really spend much time with the children already and that would be the parent who visits and not the main caretaker. Being divorced or seperated may actually provide the children with a better relationship with that parent because they will spend time with them regularly.
I suppose I should have been less vauge with my original post. I am not a WAS, I was a LBS whos was had an ea (at minimum 2.5 years long may have even been pa but never admitted to), was adminatley wanted d, 9+ month seperation, was returned and we are not much more than roomates and he interacts minimally with the children.
It's easy to say...make yourself happy but when you are making yourself happy it's hard to not notice the fact that you really don't have a r with your spouse and not question wtf it's all for.
I'm struggling with this question too, although I haven't been dealing with it for very long and am trying just to be patient.
But W says she just doesn't want to be M, and her sister told me she didn't think W knew how to balance personal ambitions with a R. What you focus on expands, right? So W is expanding her discontent with being in any kind of R. Doesn't seem like something to fight for.
This is just my thinking but if I was in your marriage I would either go for a legal sep, which would more than likey lead to a divorce, and for me it would be for the kids.
I think there is more damage being done to them now on how a marriage should be like, think of all the FOO issues that are being form right now?
Your marriage is the marriage your kids are going to gravitate to because this how they learn to relate to the opposite sex or learn what to expect of there mate.
I grew up with a crazy sister I think she is bi-polar or just plain evil, and you know who I picked as my mate a male version of my sister, because basically I was trained as young girl that I nor my opinions did not matter.
I'm all for saving marriages but some can not be saved by just one doing all the work why the other just sits on the couch like Al Bundy.
Whats to say that he is just waiting for the kids to graduate to walk out the door?
I have a question for you? Does he suffer from depression? What does he do when he gets home from work? Does he interacts with the kids when they ask him to play games with them or does he just blows them off?