My story is not new nor is it really all that different from everyone else's. Some remember me some don't. I'm not going to rehash my story other than to say I had a wah with OW over 5 years ago, seperation, H was sure he wanted D, he came home and it's been a rocky road ever since. I've tried the G.A.L in lot's of ways but I realize now what G.A.L truly means and I think many could benefit from some things.
When telling people on this site to GAL things like join a club or group, volunteer, find a hobby or get back to a hobby are often brought up but I don't really think that's what is intended by GAL.
GAL to me has been many things over the past 5+ years...I've done the volunteering, starting clubs/groups, hobbies, making new friends, getting out, keeping busy with the kids etc but nothing seemed to change the way I felt about my life in terms of the family or the marriage. Don't get me wrong I love my kids, love being a mom and actually do enjoy being a homemaker. What's been missing is a true relationship with my h. GAL is not going to help that when going about it this way. GAL will work if you picture what you want YOUR life to be with or without your spouse or any patner and go for it. If you'd like to be in a different career than start working toward it, different cirlce of friends then start working toward it. The key is it has to be real, what you want, what you've always wanted. If you are doing that and your potentially wayward spouse or wayward spouse see's that drive and new life in you and decides to participate in it with you then great...if not well you are on your way to where you want to be anyway with or without them.
For those that do remember me (and I thank you for popping in when I do post) Things haven't changed much...I'm still afraid to upset the apple cart full of apples that aren't good enough to make a christmas pie. Constantly questioning if it is as bad as I fell it is or if I just can't get the mud colored glasses off. From my words above you may be able to figure out that I'm begining to take steps toward where I want to be in my life. I've realized that the kinds of things I've been doing to gal have been wonderful and helped me along the way but now I find myself in a holding pattern with h. If I can't motivate him to better our r (or recreate one is more like it at this point)I'll have to motivate myself, decide who I want to be and go for it. Enough letting this m drag me down. I'm going to start living the rest of my life now. I still hold hope that h will wake up some day and realize what is happening to our r but if history and the present are any indicator that's not going to happen. I know I'll eventually have to decide what to do. Can I really live the rest of my life without feeling loved, connected, appreciated, wanted by my husband? I don't think so but I'm still not ready to jump ship.
I'm not out trolling the board to stir things up...sometimes I just think people need to hear a truth, a realization etc. I may post this in "I'm thinking about leaving" as well...I think they could use a bit of "I'm not leaving until I'm sure I've done all I can and even then I'm going to make sure I've really really done all I can and don't just think I have"
What's been missing is a true relationship with my h.
Things haven't changed much...I'm still afraid to upset the apple cart full of apples that aren't good enough to make a christmas pie. Constantly questioning if it is as bad as I fell it is or if I just can't get the mud colored glasses off.
now I find myself in a holding pattern with h.
Can I really live the rest of my life without feeling loved, connected, appreciated, wanted by my husband? I don't think so but I'm still not ready to jump ship.
Any thoughts, questions or comments are welcome.
I can't read all your threads, it just pulls me further into the abyss.
lostlove, I went to your other thread to take a look at your situation. I feel that if you are posting here you are as interested in piecing as the rest of us -- in spite of your discontent and your discouragement, there's still a flicker of hope.
So here's what I think: it seems to me that you and H are both doing the right thing by your children. Both of you are sacrificing for your children, to give them a home and to raise them as well as possible. I think that was a factor in H returning to the marriage -- he manned-up, and more power to him for doing that. A lot don't.
But it seems like the damage to the relationship was never addressed. It seems like H made his peace in his own way. He is likely just marking time now -- and maybe he sees you as doing the same thing (a projection on his part, he doesn't realize you are GALing and DBing)
So you've been GALing & DBing for 5 years now. It looks like divorce is not on the agenda -- but is this a case of successful DBing or is it a case of H manning-up to his responsibility to his children? In other words, will he stay no matter what you do or don't do? If this is the case, then likely you can afford to take a few more chances with the relationship. Knowing that H will still hang in there for the sake of the kids -- and that is likely your priority concern also, right? -- gives you a bit more leeway in things you might consider doing to improve the marriage relationship, to use your energy for something other than walking on eggs and developing an exit plan. In the beginning, you and H chose one another for good and valid reasons, you had many years of loving relationship. And it looks like he'll be hanging around long enough for the two of you to find your way back to that. That's what I would put my energy into. Whatever the two of you have been doing for the past few years isn't working -- so do something different. To me, that is the one of the most valuable pieces of advice Michele gives -- if what you're doing isn't working stop doing it, do something different.
OK apppleroad, I'll bite. What "something" different would you suggest.
My plan now is to worry about me and my kids. I've wanted to go back to school for my masters for over 9 years now. H has never seemed very interested in that for me. The way he portrays himself when I mention any such thing (me working, going back to school, working toward a career etc) seem to be more about the money that will come in (we are not in debt, living very comfortably with his income...I've allowed myself to be put in a position where a regular job isn't possible while the kids are young due to his schedule) and less about the personal growth I see in it. Yes, money is always important but I don't think it should be the ultimate goal.
As far as h "manning up" in part that feels like the truth but wouldn't it be more manly for him to at least attempt to give the children an example of a loving relationship, patnership, companionship, friendship etc. My children have a mom and dad who both live in the home but do they have a family? Will they grow up and create the same empty marraige we have?
I don't see it as h really manned up...I see it as he dropped his drawers and sat down but nothing's comming out but gas. Muddy glasses? Somehow I don't think so...I've been keeping a brief log or journal of his actions, interactions with us (the kids, dog and I) and what I'm seeing is a lot of gas.
No, Divorce is not what I want...if it were I'd have done it years ago but sometimes I do wonder if the kids would be better off that way. H was more of a dad during our seperation than he has been since at least then he spent time with them on a regular basis not just when it suited him.
"In the beginning, you and H chose one another for good and valid reasons, you had many years of loving relationship."
what if we didn't choose one another for good valid reasons? what if we were kids when we met ( 16 and 19 though we didn't marry until 9 years later)and just didn't know how to stay broken up for the good and valid reasons we had broken up?
yes, movement. Just for s's and giggles I went back and looked at my last thread here "UGH" and something you said is true...I am still in the same position I was this time last year.
The new response from h when I try to address the status of our r to be added to
"well that sucks" "if you don't like it you leave" "that's just the way it is" "no matter what I do you wont be happy"
"if you don't like it go see a lawyer then the for sale sign goes up and we disrupt the kids live"....weird considering the fact that 6 years ago when the kids were babies in diapers and he was the one leaving I was going to stay in the house.
and his most recent
"maybe one day I'll wake up and decide it isn't worth it" (staying in the m that is) this of course was followed up with "then the for sale sign will go up and we'll disrupt the kids lives"
So here are my plans....I already have a BS in human services, my original live plan was to become a counselor or therapist but I put that off to gain life experience. I'm ready to go back to school and earn my masters, do whatever internships and put in whatever hours in the positions I have to to get to where I want to be. I'm giving myself 15 years to reach the ultimate goal taking the steps along the way. I have an appointment with my c in a couple of weeks hoping he can help me figure out where exactly to begin since it is the field he's working in.
That's the big thing.
Small things...been trying to loose weight. When h left I had just had dd..due to the anxiety of it all I lost all the baby weight and then some (it was wonderful but people were constantly trying to feed me) I've put alot of the weight back on (not fat by any means but would be absolutely fabulous if I lost 20 and toned up) so I've been loosing slowly and am ready to get on the treadmill and start working for it. When the warm weather gets here again I'll get back to rollerblading (it's like flying I love it!) Trying to keep the house in order and the kids taken care of...both are in school a full day now.
I've been keeping a log of when h leaves and returns from work, any phone calls from him during the day and watching his bottle of jim bean.
I figure if I do all this by the end of this year I'll know what to do with my m or at least I'll be in a better position to ask for what I want and if I don't get it I'll have grown some legs to walk with.
So, just got back from a nice weeks vacation with the kids and h. More of a vacation of me with the kids than of him with us but honestly it's better that way. Some childish behaviour from him over the week but I wont bore you with the details...it's how he deals with the kids.
I should add here something I haven't stated yet...any who've followed my threads will know that h's lack of interest in sex has been an issue for a while and well I don't initiate anymore due to the humiliation of being turned down so often...well it's been over 5 months now since any sexual intereaction and that last time I think was more of an obligation on his part as we were away celebrating our anniversary.
I meet with my c on Monday. I'm going to go there with goals and note cards so I can make the most of the hour and not sit there just bringing him up to date with story after story.
Somethings going to have to change soon and I'm afraid it's going to have to be me putting my foot down and explaining clearly what I want out of this m and what I will not tolerate. Some kind of agreement will have to be made. Hopefully the c can help me find the best way to approach this with h.