I'm listening to you FL. That's what we're here for. We can vent, make stupid mistakes, say anything we wish right here. Because it doesn't matter what we do here. Here is our safe place. We can talk about the things that we need to say here.
Our opinions are just that.
But we are worried about you.
Sometime I think that venting here and getting it out of my system helped me survive my divorce. Sometimes I think that being able to say those things I thought without saying them to anyone else helped me to hold my tongue when I needed to.
You're a good dad FL or you wouldn't even think about these things. I know my X never once thought about his boys. I did, and venting here made me less susceptible to saying anything in front of them. I know how you feel. I've felt what you are feeling. How could they do this to them. But if we have an outlet and are able to say what we feel here, then we can remain calm in the face of it.
Don't mistake me, I don't pretend that I've ever been in your position. I appreciate what you're doing and I can't imagine going through a D while being where you are. So I know I can't even begin to relate. I have been associated with the military in my life. I know what kind of people join. But I can't begin to understand the pain you have regarding your babies.
Just vent to us and we will not pass judgment.
Thank you so much for your service to our country.
All we can do is to offer you our experiences and what worked for us. In the end you have to make the decision as to what's right for both you and your children.
You are a good Dad. Although your circumstances may be unique and different in someways, we can all relate to your concern for your kids. We've all been there. The sad truth is, you will need to be their guide as well as their rock but I can't think of anything that is more rewarding!
For some reason I was prompted to log on tonight. Checked my watch lists and found this thread.
A book that has made a TREMENDOUS difference in my W and our family, just from what she has shared with us (I haven't read the book yet)
it is "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne. an Atria Books by Beyond Words Publishing http://www.beyondword.com
I doubt I'm going to be a regular on the bb, but felt it was important to share about this book. Order a copy - I'm sure things have changed, but I got about half the books I ordered over there.
T2: I was just wondering about you as well the other day. I figured that things must have improved or you would be here as well. Thanks.
OK: Response.
Dom: For a long time, I DID think about the "Now" and then a flying piece of metal would come out of the air, and hit me in the head, such as my D17 telling me, unsolicited: "You know, Mom's plan is to get a divorce when you come home, and you have to be all right with that." So when I DON’T think about the future and do some modicum of “Projective emotional planning”, I emotionally take it in the neck every time. (Like the “projective emotional planning? I just made it up, but it DOES sound great, doesn’t it? In Iraq speak: “It briefs well”)
I get the "present" of the "Present", but when I don't project into the future and plan for what I BELIEVE will be the inevitable, it comes back to eat me alive. For me, it’s “detachment survival skill”, imagining myself being divorced and living in an apartment somewhere, and what it will be like not being with my kids every day.
Now, if it doesn’t happen, so much the better. Really, I like most people have emotional “rooms”, which often don’t interconnect. My emotions here are totally in check, all the time. My emotional devastation about my FAMILY, ALTERED, RECONSTITUTED, 1 EACH” is in another room that doesn’t have a door to the emotional room here. Yes, I am a Soldier, and a good one at that, but my focus here is not in the same room as sleeping alone, scheduling time with my kids, and being alone on holidays. In other words, my emotions here are not transferred to there. Did I make any sense? Over?
Mattie, you have a great point about being EEYORE around my kids. I USED to do that a lot, and I’m sure it got them down as well. No more. I talk to them and never mention it. Never ask about “MOM” or how things are at home with “MOM”. I only encourage them and congratulate them on their individual achievements.
AG: Combination rant/advice seeking. I was testing the waters to see if my feelings about not wanting to pull down the Christmas ornaments (like the one from my mom 6 months before she died: Your First Christmas together, the popsicle reindeer, the construction paper Santa) and not wanting to “pretend to be any semblance of a family” FOR THE KIDS, was “normal” or was I just being selfish. It’s tough to tell. I look at it this way: If she wanted a family, don’t try and make me feel guilty, because I won’t participate.
I appreciate all of your input and advice, but especially women, because I guess I am the original inhabitant of “Mars”. OK, all have a great day. Back to the Cradle of Civilization!
I really do thank all of you for "Magically appearing" every time I log on!
I get the "present" of the "Present", but when I don't project into the future and plan for what I BELIEVE will be the inevitable, it comes back to eat me alive. For me, it’s “detachment survival skill”, imagining myself being divorced and living in an apartment somewhere, and what it will be like not being with my kids every day.
I know the importance of being prepared. it IS important to be prepared for all possibilities.
Remember why michelle wrote about "act as if" , though. If you presume that the worst possible scenario with your wife WILL happen... then it WILL be inevitable... not because it has to be, but because that's all you allow for.
It may happen that way. I think it's certainly a good idea to be prepared for it, if it happens. Just keep your mind open to other possibilities as well, yah?
Not in the "Things are going to go kersplat, but if 'a miracle' happens, then maybe..." way.
But in the sense of "Things may blow up. They may not. I'm going to be prepared if they do. But UNTIL they do, I'm going to 'act as if' there is a chance that they dont. and work for something better".
hang in there. It's not about killing yourself with false hope. It's about just laying groundwork for the possibility of something else happening.
Last edited by Dom R; 02/22/0803:53 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Thanks, Dom. Good advice. There is a small part of my pea brain that is set aside for that possibility. He's a case in point. I got an email that W. forwarded me from D17, who is Thailand for a school public service trip. She's working with wild gibbons.(Why she just couldn't volunteer at a soup kitchen is beyond me, but I digress) W. forwarded me her email to D17 as well. S9 and D15 went to FL this week to stay with FIL. W. writes to D "I didn't write back, because it was a long weekend, and I went skiing", so of course, my mind gins up: "With WHO?". But only a fraction of a second later, I was grounded again. It IS what it is. Hence the "flying metal shards!"
Are you still on "Separated?" Thanks for the advice. Well grounded.
FLTC, just wanted to say that you sound really grounded! Much more so than a few months ago. Accept whatever comes your way and vow to do your best with whatever it is. Hang in there, OK!
Mattie, you have a great point about being EEYORE around my kids. I USED to do that a lot, and I’m sure it got them down as well. No more. I talk to them and never mention it. Never ask about “MOM” or how things are at home with “MOM”. I only encourage them and congratulate them on their individual achievements.
I am glad that you are insulating your kids from potential D stuff and that you are not putting them in the middle. I like the way NHill refers to his X as his children's mother. I also like that you are thinking ahead to if the D does go through, how you will interact with your kids and share special occasions with them.
I don't have children myself so that was not an issue during my D. However, my parents are D. And while we were older when our parents D'ed, it still impacted us and my perspective comes a little different angle.
