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#1352555 02/10/08 05:07 AM
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Really long-But I need to tell the story
Let's start with the Family Spec's

ME-35 (Professional)
Wife-39 (SAHM-working for a better world for our children)
KIDS-2 (6&8)
Married 9.5 years and together for 12.5

It all really started about 1.5 years ago. We moved to a new area (my wife did not say at the time she was against this) and started to have significant problems with our older child and finances. So we had three large stress creating agents in our daily live. My wife at first had a hard time making new friends in the community, I was supportive of her making friends, and felt trapped in the house. She then met the OW at our child's preschool and they hit it off. At first they had one night a week of girls night out which I know is important for a SAHM so that she could get away from the house. After a month the relationship between them became very odd. I questioned her about it and she replied that it was the first time she had a good girlfriend. Knowing the problems in past relationship my wife had with females I was fully supportive of the relationship and encouraged that they spend time together.
This continued for about a month when I committed a foolish act. I was playing on the computer and came across her messenger text archive and opened it. Yes, I broke the trust, but I knew that something was amiss and I had asked my wife more than once if something was going on that she needed to tell me. To which I always got a strong...NO! So upon reading that days message…I uncovered that they had sat in her vehicle...dwelling over kissing because it might feel good. Very long IM conversation and not a quick bring up and put down. I then talked with my wife about it and she said I should be happy they didn't kiss, there was nothing there, and that I shouldn't have read her IM. In the last case she was exactly right. So I told her that I was sorry, that I would trust her, and that she could continue to spend time with the OW. The only thing I asked of her was to be open with what was happening and that I would listen to what she had to say and was feeling. So they continued to be friends and eventually I developed a friendly relationship with the OW as well as our children (she has 2 children-recently divorced). This all started in December of 06.
Over the next year, we visited them often and even spent a vacation together. All the time I was thinking that my wife had finally developed a real friendship that she was desperately looking for. I had complete trust in my wife and did not have any idea that something was going on. Of course we still stressed over finances and the children among other things, but I thought things aren't great but we are getting there. I supported her friendship and two or three nights a week I would offer to take over the household chores and the children so she could spend time with her friend outside the stress that exists in most households (I am one of those dads that cooks, cleans, laundry, etc without prompting). It was what I thought was right and the good husband thing to do. Too support your wife as best as you could.
Now we get to the recent events. In the last month I have gone through some serious stress about some testing I needed for work and had to sit in a conference room as the company called us in one by one to announce terminations (luckily I was not terminated). My wife had gone on vacation with her girlfriend for a weekend and went out partying on New Year's Eve together because somebody had to stay home and watch the kids. Two days after my Birthday she woke up in the morning, after a night out with the OW, and had a hicky on her neck. At first she said it was from someone hugging her, but later in the day she confessed that they had been having an affair since JAN of 07. I was extremely hurt and betrayed by both my wife and the friend. They had been hanging out with me for a year without ever saying a word. I blew a casket, put my hand through a door and cried for hours. That was two weeks ago. Of course I smothered her for the next week and talked about the good times and how could she hurt me like this. It was at our second therapy session after this that she basically said I was a friend, she didn't want an intimate relationship with me, and wanted to explore her happiness with the OW. We came home, put the kids to bed, and then she went to the OW's house for the night to relax and get away from the stress in the house.
It was at this point where I came up with my own course of action (had not been here yet) that basically follows what I have read on the website;

1. Focus on protecting the children and reduce my work hours to be with them
2. Start working out and make time to continue working out (see less work)
3. Focus on work alone when I was there
4. Stop bothering my W and just leave her alone to do as she pleases

I have been doing okay for three days and today I had a little step back. It was unintentional and quick and my wife did not seem taken aback by my emotion driven response to a question (I mean one sentence short). And tonight she is out with the OW for an overnight as I take care of the children for the third night in a row. My children have started to pick up on the stress and are constantly hugging me and each other. They have asked their mother to stay at home with them, to which she replied that they need to get used to it. My daughter had a complete breakdown yesterday and my wife seemed to have no concern at all as she left the house to party with her friends. I talked to my therapist about it and the reply was that she is shutting it all out so she can handle the guilt. So tonight I took them to a friend's while she went on her overnight and the kids seemed happy, but continue to hug each other and me a lot. (Odd part about her leaving tonight was that she looked guilty at me (not my doing other than apologizing for the bad comment) in the kitchen for a good three minutes before the OW came to get her...then she had a big smile).
My wife has not used the divorce word or even implied it. And in discussions she has even stated if the OW woman found someone else that it would be done between them. I just don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave because of the impact it will have on the children and myself also I don't have the financial means to help her move to her own apartment. She would just move to the OW's house which probably wouldn't happen either due to her family, children, public appearance, and ex-husband. The affair continues and I don't know what to do. When I ask her to stop the relationship (two weeks ago), she replied that she wasn't "In love" with me anymore and this new relationship makes her happy. I have not even considered being pushy about stopping it and working on us because I know she would be out the door.
My own monster in the closet is that I smother her because I thought that is what a good husband does. Offering to take the kids, roses, the whole nine yards prior to this. I did everything for my family that sadly also included neglecting me. I have started to address my issues by working out, working less, spending more time with the children, leaving her alone, and seeing a therapist. I don't feel that much hurt or anger towards my W and do still love her very much.

So in conclusion, I could use some good words of advice.

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I have started to address my issues by working out, working less, spending more time with the children, leaving her alone, and seeing a therapist. I don't feel that much hurt or anger towards my W and do still love her very much

You are intuitively doing the right things.

Why don't you call Michele's office for a DB Coaching session. Dotty or Joann would be excellent with this situation.


Know what your goals are. Forcing the situation (as is often advised on this forum) may force the end of your marriage.


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Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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Just wanted to add some support here. You are doing all you can by taking care of yourself and supporting your children. I wouldn't force anything either if you don't want her out the door. I think you are right, at this point, she would run, if only to run from the guilt/pain.

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As a recent follow up. I have discussed very peacefully with my wife some of the reason that she is unhappy with me and that may have lead to the affair. And after some intensive soul searching I have to agree with her comments.
She cited that I was working to much (50 hours plus every week for the last 2.5 years) and not standing up to my employers. She is right that I was working to much, but my reasoning had been to impress my employers and eventually receive a raise for hard work. I have come to learn that hard work doesn't pay off and I was sacrificing my family time for an illusion. On this topic I have already decided to cut down my work hours if only to spend more time with my kids because I am enjoying spending time with them. This action is something I am doing for myself and not to make her happy.
She cited poor communication and I have known that I have a problem in this department. It is something I am working on not just for my family, but also for my profession as good communications skills are a must.
She wants me to be happier around the house. She is right that I have been glum around the house and I think there is a direct correlation between work and my happiness. I sacrificed a lot of my time working and stopped doing things that I enjoy including hobbies and working out. Since I have started working out, I feel much better about myself and have a lot more energy and generally feel happy.
So it was a very positive conversation since she identified problem areas that I need to work on. Or lets say stop being at work all the time and start being at home more often. I don't know if these changes will save our relationship, but they are changes that I want to make for myself with the end goal to make myself better. I am very sorry that it took this situation for me to realize that I had some serious priority issues and I hope to realign my priorities around my family again and not around my illusionary view of work.


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Hi, L4W.

Thought you might find this book interesting. It's called "Put EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE To Work" and is written by Jeff Feldman.

Brief description - "This title teaches that emotional awareness is a direct key to personal and professional success and will help individuals at all levels understand how emotions have a direct and profound effect on how well he or she performs on the job and in life. In addition, this title presents great techniques to advance emotional self-awareness and tips to build self-esteem, confidence, and peak performance."

Take care and good luck to you.


Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
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So to give an update on the latest happenings:

1-Spending time with the kids has been extremely beneficial for all three of us. Both of my kids are getting used to me being around and their behavior has started to change for the positive. My son has actually kept his room clean for the last month and doesn't need an supervision in keeping it clean. My daughter, after some initial distress, is starting to respond to the behavior boundaries that I have put in place and is cleaning up after herself and behaving 80% of the time. I have come to learn that I have been missing spending quality time with them and that may be what a true parent strives to achieve instead of the illusion that providing is enough.

2-I have lost close to 45 pounds and feel great. The OW saw me last week and IM'ed me later telling me how great I look. It was a bit weird, but felt good. On top of that, I went out with a friend last Friday and it was incredible that women were checking me out and coming to me to flirt and talk. I do not plan on pursuing these women, but it was very nice to be noticed in that manner.

3-I am working hard at stopping my hovering around my wife. I can usually succeed for 4-5 days then something comes up. Last Friday the OW won front row tickets and back stage passes to a concert. I had plans to go out and do something, something she says I need to work on-GAL, and we needed to change schedules. First I was angry because I was doing what she wanted me to do, then asked me to change my plans. I took myself out of the emotional thought process after a few hours and said if the situation was different, I would gladly change my plans so she had the chance to go. So we lined up a babysitter and I didn't have to change my plans and she was able to go to the concert. When she returned the next day she gave me a big hug, she came to me, and a kiss. We then had a few good days until Wednesday morning. The previous night I was feeling very amorous, kept it hidden and didn't do anything, and my wife wanted to know in the morning why I kept tossing and turning all night. I told her and she replied that she felt the same way but didn't want to act on her feelings to confuse the situation. That afternoon she called to make sure I could pick the kids up from the school bus. I could hear she was extremely distressed and I asked her why. She had joined the OW for lunch, after which the OW invited another friend over for the afternoon and not my wife. I calmly asked my wife to look at the situation from the OW's perspective and calmed her down. My wife went over there and has been spending time with the OW, but has been depressed ever since. They went away to a cabin with some friends this weekend (including OW) and I gave her a kiss before I left (she kissed back) and wished her to have fun. It was then later that morning that the OW IM'ed me and talked about the situation. She seems very remorseful and kept mentioning what a great guy I am and she doesn't like what is happening. Oddly I reassured her that she is what my wife needs at the moment (and I believe this)because I have things that I need to fix on myself.

4-Working on myself-I have been reading a lot of self help books, spending time contemplating my life, and seeing a therapists. I have started working very hard on changing my personal perspective on everything and focus on the silver linings of the clouds. I have found this very beneficial and I am actually happy about 75% of the time. Another thing I have been working on is removing my thoughts from the emotional side of the brain and looking at situations without the fogginess of emotion. This is also helped me understand stuff about myself and my wifes situation that I may not have noticed behind the fog of emotion. I am jealous that I don't get the quality time with my wife that she spends with the OW, but I know that will come with time.

5-Confidence-This is a hard one area that I am just starting to work on. Do to some early issues around the time our son was born (very sick and demanding child-even to today) my wife rejected me often. I understand the rejection because she was emotional wiped from the daily activities with my son, but combined with years of double bind situations that my wife has put me in (example-Come home and wife is complaining about dirty dishes in the sink-I take that as start doing the dishes daily because you aren't being a good husband or partner-then I start doing dishes and she gets mad because I am doing her job-LOL..side note..I am probably the only husband who has actually been hollered at for doing laundry)I feel like I am always walking on egg shells. My wife Thursday (after a kiss-during which I was shaking physically) said that I needed to rebuild my confidence before there will really be any more intimacy. Combined with my prior lack of confidence and the current situation where I think she may get mad if we kiss and reject me again, I don't know how to rebuild my confidence. Does anybody have any suggestions? I have looked around the internet, but have not found anything that gives me a strategy to start rebuilding. I used to be that guy who could talk to any woman in a bar without a thought, but know I feel like ever move could be wrong and act nervous because of this. And we all know that an under confident person is not attractive.

6-GAl-With regards to the above, I have also begun to spend time with well grounded friends who aren't judgmental about the situation and have children for mine to play with. This has been good for the children and myself.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"

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