New Thread title (paraphrased)-- time to post the lyrics:
You'll Think Of Me Keith Urban
I woke up early this morning around 4 am, With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate. I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep, But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake. Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms I've been tryin' my best to get along, But that's OK There's nothing left to say but...
Take your records, take your freedom, Take your memories, I don't need 'em, Take your space and take your reasons, But you'll think of me. And take your cap and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather, In fact I'll feel a whole lot better, But you'll think of me, you'll think of me.
I went out driving trying to clear my head I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this And all the baggage that seems to still exist It seems the only blessing I have left to my name Is not knowing what we could have been What we should have been; So...
Take your records, take your freedom, Take your memories, I don't need 'em, Take your space and take your reasons, But you'll think of me. And take your cap and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather, In fact I'll feel a whole lot better, But you'll think of me.
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind Don't worry, I'll be fine, I'm gonna be alright. While you're sleeping with your pride Wishing I could hold you tight, I'll be over you -- and on with my life.
So take your records, take your freedom, Take your memories, I don't need 'em, And take your cap and leave my sweater, 'Cause we have nothing left to weather, In fact I'll feel a whole lot better, But you'll think of me.
So take your records, take your freedom, Take your memories, I don't need 'em, Take your space and all your reasons, But you'll think of me. And take your cap and leave my sweater, 'Cause we got nothing left to weather, In fact I'll feel a whole lot better, But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah.
And you're gonna think of me, Oh, someday, baby, someday...
Keith definitely has his finger on this type of sitch.
I just got back from a dinner party (Italian pot-luck) with my friends in our DivorceCare group and their children. It was very enjoyable, and very tiring -- lasted a bit longer than my two S's cold handle. We're all zonked.
I need to turn in because of how sleepy I am now. But I will note that W called around her usual time, while I and S7 and S3 we're at the dinner party. Again, I said nothing to W, just gave the phone directly to my S's. I don't feel like talking to her myself right now.
I was able to discreetly relate some of these latest events to my comrades at tonight's get-together.
Also on the drive back I decided to swing by the residence -- W's car was not there, even though it was after 9:30 PM. But I know exactly where she is.
I really thought I would have nothing to report today.
Friday night, after having learned the worst (see my previous thread), I tried one last time to send W an email asking her to reconsider not seeking counseling with me.
Here's the text:
Quote:
I'm going to try this again.
I set up an appointment with Dr. ________ for 10:00 AM on Friday, February 15. He also had an 8:00 AM opening that day , if that would be better for you. Or I can try another date and time.
I really think it best we go to counseling. Even if (when) our marriage should end in divorce, we both still need to learn to communicate with each other again. I really think that S7 and S3 deserve every possible effort we can make.
I am not asking for a complete reconciliation, nor even for us to be best friends anymore -- we just can't possibly be successful with co-parenting our children unless we are at least civil.
I really don't even care about my own interests in this -- I too can see what this is doing to our sons, and we need to fix this for their sake.
Please, please think of them for a change. I beg you.
--NCB
More details about the last couple of days:
Some time after midnight, I called the hotel to get W's room, and the voice of a male answered, the OM. I said nothing, let him continue to ask "Hello? Who's there?" and then to finally hang up.
The early the next morning, between 7:00 And 7:30 AM, I called the hotel room again, heard W answer, and then without so much as a word from me handed the phone over to our two S's to greet W as if nothing was wrong -- and in our S's minds there was nothing wrong because they were not in the know about this.
All through yesterday and today, I minimized any words spoken to W. I put on my "Joe Friday" voice ("Just the facts, ma'am") and gave short, to-the-point replies. I noted that W was exceptionally syrupy in her words, especially with our two boys.
When it came time to drop the boys off at the house, I took my departing hugs and good-byes from them in the garage before taking them inside the house. I opened the door, showed S7 and S3 inside, petted our dog, said one last good-bye, and then I was out of there, with as few words with W as I could muster.
This evening, I said goodnight to my S's via phone, and W tried to engage me in some short, trivial exchange about S3's bowel movements today. I gave W a one sentence report of S3's status and then said good-bye.
Then I found W had sent an email earlier -- about 5:30 PM, about 1/2 hour after I had left. She had apparently gotten my email from Friday evening and had responded.
Here's what she wrote:
Quote:
I told you I can't go with you. It hurts to be around you. I will be going to TEACCH's FREE classes.
I don't understand you putting S7 on the phone Sat am. I stayed downtown after a birthday celebration for one of the physical therapists at work at <Irish pub> so I wouldn't have to drive back so late. I don't expect you to ever believe anything I say, but as long as you don't poison the children against me it will be okay.
I'm trying to be civil.
I'm not the one thrusting fingers into my Mom's face & telling her to get out of your house & yelling and slamming doors in front of the children. You did that.
Thank you,
WAW
These TEACCH classes are for mothers of Autism-Spectrum children (S7 has Asperger's Syndrome, AS), and were the most minimal resource W could have chosen from what was available to us through UNC's program. W chose this one class because it targets mothers and would thus exclude me as a father (a "nice" move on W's part to shut me out.) After all my effort to get S7 into this program, W opts for the most minimal offering -- I am so very disgusted and disappointed.
Now W is using this as her excuse for not going to C for communication and parenting/couples therapy?!?
As for the big one -- the massive denial -- I am even more incensed, not surprised, but fuming mad. She continues to insult my intelligence! If I still thought this person was worth this torture, I would have told her I have the evidence to prove her to be the liar she is. As it is now, I just don't care to hear anything from her anymore. I have given her the benefit of any doubt, no matter how great, all of our 17 years together -- well, now there is no doubt!
I started to send back a one-sentence reply: "You're right -- I don't believe you." and leave it at that. But I just don't care anymore, not now (although, heck, I might totally change my mind tomorrow) -- I am not interested in this adulterous, selfish person who insists on insulting my intelligence, treats me like a fool, denies my heart and soul, spits on my good will, threatens my parenthood of my children, breaks up my family, and then denies her actions and tries to pass all of the blame off on me, treating me like the criminal.
The sad thing is... I still love the person she was, and whose soul, weak as it now proves to be, I got a glimpse of at one time. I still wish her no ill will, and I want her to be truly and honestly happy, but it's got to be without me. Her happiness can no longer be at my expense or that of my S's. She continues to hurt me deeply and I now need to get beyond that. I can't deal with her, and now I don't want to either.
I'm hanging up my DB'ing spurs, and focusing on my own spiritual growth.
It's true when everyone says we'll know when it's time to do that. Don't hang up those spurs completely. Keep the GAL for your own PMA. I'm sure you will.
It makes no sense that she won't do counseling even for your sons.
I haven't given up on DB, not entirely. I still believe in its basic principles, but it just isn't working for me right now, not in its entirety. GAL and PMA are a big part of DB/DR, but they are not dependent on DB/DR. GAL and PMA are a big part of surviving D as well -- in fact, they should be a big part of life in general.
I have been re-reading certain books in the Bible this past week, especially the book of Job and the book of Hosea.
I now find that Job's story has a lot of meaning to me personally. While I know something about suffering, I have not been put through even a fraction of the pain Job went through, not by a long shot. So I haven't been able to relate this story entirely to my sitch, since I cannot and do not blame God for what other humans have done to me.
But in re-reading it this weekend, it finally dawned on me the similarities -- Job was suffering and in anguish, and here were three "wise" friends (Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar) trying to offer platitudes and excuses for his suffering. The bottom line is that they assumed that God would only punish those who must be guilty of some great sin.
During the darkest pit of my depression, my holier-than-thou W showed no empathy for my plight and was actually took it personally (due to her poor self-esteem issues.) She felt that there was something wrong and unloving in my character if I was suffering so. She still feels this way. So she felt the need to distance herself from me and my plight, which only has made matters worse for me. She is running away and blaming me for what she's doing. In this W is most like Zophar, who assumed that Job was as guilty as sin because of his suffering, and held out little hope for his friend's redemption.
As for Hosea, I have been struggling with that book since re-reading it last July. My W holds to some pretense about being right with the Lord. And she continues to deny the truth of her current and past behaviors. And yet she is determined to ditch her husband and family for a chance at worldly "love" and sexual "satisfaction". Her "happiness." In that pursuit she has tried to murder my character and borne such hatred towards me that she threatens my ability to parent our two small S's.
The part that cuts me deepest is that she now hates me more than she loves her S's. She will sacrifice the well-being of our S's to be rid of me and to gain her "happiness." D*mn the consequences. (This is straight out of her mother's playbook.)
And so she will not "tolerate" me for the sake of what is best for S7 and S3, because I am now a symbol of her guilt, and that is an impediment to her all-important goal of "happiness." That's why C is out of the question for her if it involves anything with me.
Does that make my W a whore? Does that make her liken unto Gomer, Hosea's adulterous, prostituting wife. I'd say so.
I need to now consider whether it is God's intention that I, like Hosea, continue to love and accept my W despite her continued betrayals. I suppose so, when or if W should want to repent of her ways. But I am not waiting for it. She'll need to come seek me out, if she is able, because I cannot abide this treacherous, unrepentant person she is now.
What I suggested on the counseling was that you make it very clear it was "helping the kids through D" counseling - not AT ALL making it about you as a "couple" or friends or anything. It may be too late now.. but wanted to clarify that. I think she may have been more open to that than anything regarding repairing your R.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Your W is gone for now, you just have to let her go. The "civil" chapter of your lives will take a while to happen (as it did in my sitch), but it will happen. U will reach a point in your sitch that your W will be more pleasant, and will want to interact with you more frequently. Your W is acting the exact same way mine did (when I was still not detached completely).
At the moment, every time your W sees or hears your voice, it upsets her. It is making OM so much more appealing to be with and around. I had the same thing happen to me. I changed all of that. Now, I am more reclusive around W, and find that she is trying to contact me more and more (mind u, she is still on her path for D and selling up etc, as I have not baulked or tried to stop the process).
She rings me almost every day (I have not instigated a call to her in over 6 months, even in regards to DD, as W has been in such constant contact I have not had to do a thing).
She is not spending anywhere near as many late nights out with OM, and more time with DD. I have not tried to force anything on to her, she has realised this herself (in regards to what she was doing to DD). I think this is what has helped, letting W come to the realisation herself, and not me "telling" her.
Long winded post, I know. But if u can just let W go for now (as hard as it may be), I reckon it won't be long until she starts to warm to you again. There is too much history between the two of you for it not to happen (as in my sitch).
he part that cuts me deepest is that she now hates me more than she loves her S's. She will sacrifice the well-being of our S's to be rid of me and to gain her "happiness." D*mn the consequences. (This is straight out of her mother's playbook.)
Its weird you typed this, because just today I realized just how much H wants away from me. So much that he is willing to see his kids less. That says a lot as my H is a very attached parent, very in tune with their needs. If I died today he could pick up where I left and there would hardly be a bump in the road, make sense? This shocked me today thinking "He sooo wants out of our M, so much so he is giving up time with his kids".
nocode, no contact right now is good. If she brings up her lies again, maybe call her on it. I can't believe she is still STILL lying. How does she think you even got the hotel/number? Does she even wonder that? The 'no' to counseling sickens me. I am so sorry.
