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Without going into a lot of detail of how I discovered it, I've found out that stbx is giving the OM money in prison. A lot of money! I'm not sure of the purpose or why he would need it, but I need to find out.

I pay child support on a monthly basis. I assume it is going for the welfare of my S7. I find out that she is giving this freak money and I'm beside myself on what (if anything) I can do about it. I don't want to see my S7 go without something because his mother can't afford to buy it. I know since I've moved out of the house and we've separated our finances that she is starting to have financial difficulties. She has told me as much. I use to feel some sympathy for her in this regard even though it is of her own making. Now, I don't know what to think.

I'm so disappointed since finding out about this. She doesn't know I'm aware of it. I don't know if I should say something or not. This OM is using her so badly and she is so unaware. What do I do next time she asked me for money beyond what I pay in child support for something that is "supposedly" for my S7's welfare? I can't enable her to do this, but she won't listen to the warnings I give her about the OM.

What do I do here?


"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
-Mark Twain
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I needed to journal about something that transpired yesterday between stbx and myself.

I asked her if S7 could go with me to my Mom's in Florida this Christmas. We went out there as a family a few years back before all this started. Of course, she wouldn't have anything to do with that. She flat out told me no.

I accepted that and didn't really push it. It's somewhat short notice. What I did say, which I think is fair, is that I should have the option of taking him with me to Florida for Christmas in the future. At least every other Christmas. She really cut into me at that point.

My Mom said something to S7 about coming down to visit her for Christmas. She shouldn't have said anything to him before asking me, but she already put the ideal in his head and he wanted to go to Florida with Daddy for Christmas. I told him I would ask his Mom, but couldn't promise anything. Now, she's coming over as the heavy to him which I understand her point of view.

Stbx was very upset and told me I need to check with her before saying anything to S7 about a trip. She didn't know it was my Mom that mentioned it. Anyway, I lost my temper and told her she had absolutely no control over the dialog or activities between me and my S7. Of course she was irate at this ideal of having "no control" and lost it over the phone. I hung up on her, didn't want to hear the spew and have not returned any of her calls since.

Not sure how to defuse this. She's so arrogant and controlling. She controls the OM, but not me. This is creating a lot of friction. OM eats out of her hand. This is the contrast between me and OM. She feels justified in her actions/behavior because of this.


"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
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OH! IO! OH! IO!

I did feel compassion for those crying Michigan females in the crowd they were showing on TV. I felt a need to comfort them. So you see, we are not all just rabid fans, we do have our tender side.


"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
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Sorry man...just saw your journaling post about Christmas in FLA. Ok...well that's an icky sitch. Ugh. It's been a while..anything new developed? Yes...your mother probably should not have put that in his head before talking to you first. But that's not your fault either. And yes, I can understand that she now feels like the bad guy. Have to say it kinda sucks that she isn't happy for him and just lets him go...but not sure i'd want to be without any of my kids for Christmas too. So understandable.

You said you should be allowed to take him every other year...but would you be ok with not seeing him on the other years?


Scott: 38
X: 39
M: 13yrs D: 12/12/08
S9, D8, S6
MLC/EA/PA
Bomb: 8/10/06 S: 01/07 Asked for D: 05/07 Mediation 07/07

"And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want"
- Gomez; See the World
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Originally Posted By: swashy
You said you should be allowed to take him every other year...but would you be ok with not seeing him on the other years?


Honestly, I don't like the prospect of not seeing either of my boys around Christmas. STBX does a lot of things with her Family that week and takes my S7 with her, so I don't get a chance to see him that often anyway. I did have him for Christmas Eve last year and took him home Christmas morning. That was nice, but it still left a empty feeling in me when I dropped him off. This is the second Christmas since our separation.

My other ex is going to New Jersey to visit relatives with my oldest Son this Christmas, so I won't see him either. Last year, ex #1 invited me over for Christmas dinner, so I got to at least spend Christmas day with my older S14.

The only reason I considered FL was because I knew I wasn't going to get the opportunity to be with either of them for any length of time.


"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
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And this is the sh*ty party of D I guess.

Ok...so I guess you can then understand why she wouldn't want to go without her S on Xmas.

So the real problem is that she is blaming you for your mom opening her mouth...rigth? I think you probably should explain to S7 why it wouldn't be right for him not to be around his mom during Xmas. I'm sure he'd understand that. Anyway to go down for New Years instead?

STBX came by today to grab the kids. We went over the kids report cards, talked about D6s b-day, xmas presents, etc. She is taking them to her parents house on Xmas eve and then they are going to spend the night at my house...waking up here Xmas morning...and then go to my parents that day. This was decided on in Mediation. I stood my ground on that one. I DO NOT want to be without my kids on Xmas because of her choices.

Anywhoo..I do still feel bad that she will be. So I told her that she could stay on the couch if she wanted to or she could come up fist thing in the morning. Whatever she wanted. I mean, I know they would want her there too obviously. So we'll see.

Well heading out with S in a bit. \:\) I'll catch up with ya man.


Scott: 38
X: 39
M: 13yrs D: 12/12/08
S9, D8, S6
MLC/EA/PA
Bomb: 8/10/06 S: 01/07 Asked for D: 05/07 Mediation 07/07

"And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want"
- Gomez; See the World
Joined: Jul 2007
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any chance you could go the day after christmas, so your son could still spend some of christmas with his mom?

atgo, I personally would hate to not see my kids at all over the actual day. I am not seeing them at all on thanksgiving and its killing me, although I have comfort in the fact that I have them for the whole weekend (am driving down to VA with them to my sister's house). but for christmas, wow, that would be tough.

yeah, your wife is upset and you probably would be, too, if she talked to your son about a trip before talking to you (or someone else did, but you assumed it was her). she thought you talked to your son w/o going to her first. I would be really angry at H if he did that. yes, it was your mom, not you, and let her know that, but I'm sure you also probably understand why your wife is upset. at this point I'd just acknowledge that you understand her feelings, let her know it wasn't you, and let her know that you'll talk to your mom about stuff like that in the future. its a scary precedent to set, going to your s before you two have discused it. at least it is to me. then look into the possibility of the day after maybe.

as for the money to om, that is just gross. I don't know enough about the ins and outs of support and money and such at this point, so I'm no help, but I think your w is nuts. maybe offer to buy the item s needs that she can't afford? I don't know.

good luck!


M-41
H-38
M-10 years, T-14 years
Bomb-PA 3/19/07
Separated-6/7/07
Piecing/h back home 5/08
S-6
S-4
D-4

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"

-Mary Anne Radmacher
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Thanks guys,

I understood why stbx was upset. Your right, I would be upset to. I guess I lost my temper over other matters, but used that as a catalyst. You guys know me and I'm a pretty laid back guy, I don't loose my temper easily. It was just the way she lashed out at me that caught me off guard. They know how to push those buttons, don't they?

I still have not said anything to my Mom. Her intentions are wholesome, but she's 78 years old and she is starting to show signs of Alzheimer's. I can't really explain to her what she did because I don't think she would understand. I might even hurt feelings, so I'm going to leave it alone. STBX has cooled down since then and we have not really talked in depth about it since then. I've actually only had a few email exchanges with her since. The last couple of times I picked up my S7, we have not had the need for personal contact.

Yeah Morgan, the money matters with the OM do bother me. I think that's just the beginning. If he gets out, he's going to be using her for financial support. She is so naive in that regard. I've not given her any extra money beyond the Child support and I'm not going to in the future. If she gives the OM money, then it's up to her to make up for any short fall.


"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
-Mark Twain
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Hey Tom. Well I think that makes sense not talking to your mom about it. And STBX as well for that matter. Let sleeping dogs lie I guess.

The money thing sucks...but good job on realizing what you can and can't control.

Hope you're good man.


Scott: 38
X: 39
M: 13yrs D: 12/12/08
S9, D8, S6
MLC/EA/PA
Bomb: 8/10/06 S: 01/07 Asked for D: 05/07 Mediation 07/07

"And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want"
- Gomez; See the World
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 2,471
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My Friend impressed me today with a value she instilled in her Daughter.

Her Daughter was visiting with her Father (Friend's ex) over this weekend. He has been in a extreme depression over the last year or so and has also been battling prescription pain medicine addiction.

My Friend was telling me how her Daughter doesn't really want to be with her Father because he doesn't interact with her and she gets bored. He shuts himself in a room and leaves her to play with her cousins or Grandma/Grandpa.

Today, my Friends daughter called her and said.. "Mom, I'm bored, I want to come home now instead of later". My Friend told her... "You need to be a ray of sunshine for your Dad, you go take him by the hand and get him to go for a walk with you or something".

When I heard this, I felt very proud to be friends with her. Even after all this Man put her through (cheating, lying, emotional and physical abuse, etc), she had the grace and class to nurture her daughter's relationship with him. She was teaching her daughter to reach out instead of waiting on attention for herself.

Just a really unselfish attitude she has. She's always been that way since I've known her.


"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
-Mark Twain
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