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oldtimer #1108800 06/24/07 03:27 AM
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Originally Posted By: oldtimer

Give H the wake up call that he hears. Give him the chance to get it. That is all it takes not to be a WAW.


how many different ways can you say you are not happy with the m? how many different ways can you ask for what you want? In the end no matter what when a woman decides to end her marriage because she's not getting the love, companionship, physical attention, affection etc she needs and deserves but is getting the bills paid and the lawn cut and a man who doesn't complain about anything at all she's seen in a negative light.

It's not that I really care how others percieve me...heck there are plenty of people who think less of me for staying in this m and of course there are those who know nothing of my m issues and may think poorly of me for whatever reasons they have.

What matters is what I think and how I feel.

I don't want to be divorced...I don't want to date...I got married and had a family...I just want that family to be a good one. I've been willing to do the work to make it a good m but it seems in the end the only thing I can do is accept that it will never be a good m and just make the best of it. Sad that I just cannot get myself to accept this as my life.

H is never going to wake up until it's too late if in fact he ever does wake up. I don't think you can wake up something that isn't there.

H was right to have left...this r has been dead for a long long time...trouble is he's back and isn't going anywhere and I don't have the same luxury he does of just packing some things and going. Strange that he was able to make the decision that the m was over pack his stuff and leave but I cannot make that decision...he wont leave "if you don't like it YOU LEAVE" is what I hear...ya and where do I drag my kids off to? why should the kids lives be distrubted? why can't he leave? why does he think being here is doing anyone any good? "because we got married and had a family" just doesn't work unless your willing to actually make it a family and that includes having a more than platonic relationship with your wife...more than a "I'll be home at 8" there has to be some consistant effort put toward having an actual relationship that involves at least some level of intimacy but it's just not happening here.

as alwasy UGH!

LL

lostlove #1108807 06/24/07 03:37 AM
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Tell him you can't afford to move, won't disrupt the children's lives, but can't stand your M so you are taking a lover.


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oldtimer #1242566 10/25/07 06:35 PM
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A piece of me is gone.

You both claim you had no intentions of malice when you entered into what you did. But just as your disease has taken something from you what you participated in with my husband has taken something from me. You can walk around with your head high, holding banquets and raising money for studies on the disease you’ve acquired while I suffer in silence with the affliction put upon me by the actions of two foolishly selfish adults.

I will never believe my husband returned to me for me. I will never trust that you are not still in his thoughts and his heart. That time is still in mine and I was not one of the fools in love risking it all. You once said to me that we all married the wrong people…that you had a connection…my husband claimed the same things in different words. The two of you robbed me of a different life. Yes an ignorant life but a better life than this. I cannot go back to the pretender I once was. The happy little homemaker who’s floors were clean and who’s children were attended to with a style that was admired by other moms. Though the inadequacy with which things are handled by me now depresses me it is a truth. Oh no one can see it…to most I’m just an average housewife who has a few crumbs on the floor leftover from breakfast but I know. I could just go back but that would be a bigger more hurtful lie…then I’d just be lying to myself.

It has been more than 5 years now…coming up on the sixth anniversary of that fateful day when you were seen together finally by someone closer to me than to him. That was a day that could have changed my life for the better but I allowed myself to be weak. I allowed myself to fall into the trap of possibilities. I didn’t stay strong and true to myself. I allowed a man who didn’t love me to come home to pretend.

lostlove #1242676 10/25/07 07:44 PM
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((((((LL,))))))

Don't worry about your past decisions. Worry about your present decisions. Why do you choose to share a bed with someone you think is pretending?


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oldtimer #1243444 10/26/07 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted By: oldtimer
((((((LL,))))))

Don't worry about your past decisions. Worry about your present decisions. Why do you choose to share a bed with someone you think is pretending?


Trying very hard to "fake it til you make it" but a great pretender I am not. I'm slowly dying. Still stuck in the whirlwhind of "is this really how it is?" , "is this ever going to get better", "Do I see everything through mud colored glasses or am I seeing things for what they are but only foolishly once in a while hanging on to what I see through rose colored glasses", "Is this really going to be the year that things are different", "Would my life really be any better without him", "UGH!"

I've been lost for years...not finding any answers and the ones I do find (like h admitting that he would not want either of our children to grow up and have a m like ours) baffle me. Well, they don't really baffle me...they help to make sense of what is. What they do is confuse me when it comes to the WHY part of things. WHY and HOW can h think that things are OK. I am not some star in a 50's style tv sitcom. I cannot continue to exhist being the wife and mother while he's THE MAN who earns the money and falls asleep on the couch watching sports. There is an emptiness a void. I have to wonder what would be worse...ow had said to me about her decision to D..."I'd rather be alone and lonely than with someone and lonely" strange that those same thoughts had been running through my mind for years. I however chose to keep trying. I don't want to be lonely...I don't want to live with this emptiness or feeling that something is missing forever. I want a companion and h just doesn't seem to want or need the same thing.

We've hit a wall. H and I both know that this isn't working. I've been willing to try to make it work but h seems content to accept the fact that we are married with children and live out the rest of his life this way. I don't know that I can do that.

lostlove #1243682 10/26/07 03:11 PM
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LL,

I'm not sure why you think H thinks things are OK. He is staying in the marriage, but that does not mean he thinks things are OK. After all, you are staying in the marriage, but you don't think things are OK.

H had an A. H has had is other extracurriculars whether you want to face that fact or not. H would not want his children to have an M like yours. I'd say that H is NOT OK with the M.

Simply because he does not want to work on the M the way that you would like him to (or work on it at all) does not mean he is OK.

Why is he there? Maybe for the kids. He may well be a WAH with his plan well-baked just biding his time. Seems like it to me.

When are YOU going to take responsibility for your own happiness, set some boundaries, and actually ENFORCE them. If you don't want someone who treats you like H as your life partner, then quit accepting it.

You being "lost for years" is really your choice. You are young, beautiful, sexy, smart, engaging, vibrant, blah blah blah. If you don't want to be alone, you will never be alone.

One thing I can promise you is that your life will be exactly the same a year from now unless you do something to change it. Either that, or H will change it for you by leaving again when he finds an A he wants to stick with.

How afraid are you of being alone versus being afraid of admitting that H and OW may have been right about some things?


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oldtimer #1244104 10/26/07 07:53 PM
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[quote=oldtimer
How afraid are you of being alone versus being afraid of admitting that H and OW may have been right about some things? [/quote]

I'm not afraid of being alone, I am already alone. I can admit that h and ow may have been right about some things...h is the one who denies it. How can I argue that? How can I tell him what he thinks, feels, wants or who he does or doesn't love. I can barely get him to admit he's not happy in this m and that I have to do under the guisse of "what would you want for your children".

In his eyes we got married and had children...now we have to be grown ups and suck it up. Well that plain sucks and in my opinion isn't very grown up.

If h were to have another A or rather get caught in another A that would be the end of this story. Trouble is I don't know that he will do it again and let's face it...it was going on for over a year before I found out and that was a fluke so how would I find out anything this time.

LL

lostlove #1244142 10/26/07 08:19 PM
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Well, if H isn't going to have another A and leave, then I guess that leaves your happiness in your own hands, right where it has been all along...

Take some kind of action or nothing will change.


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oldtimer #1244166 10/26/07 08:42 PM
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UGH!

lostlove #1244172 10/26/07 08:46 PM
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((((((((LL))))))) x a million.


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