Rollar Coasters are no longer fun

[mkultra]

Amy, you then should meet the goals set forth by your TH. Ths have seen these sitches before. You are pretty insightful into the bipolar mind. It soulds like you know you can no longer be an enabler or a mother to this sitch. You really do have to take care of yourself and go dark.

[Amy]

Thank you both so much. I was smacked with reality tonight and for the first time I am feeling such anger I could SCREAM. My 9 yr old called the hospital to talk with his dad. (my son is bipolar as well and really seems to do better after a conversation with his dad) When one of the patients answered the phone my son said "Can I speak with XXX XXXX he is my dad." The person said to him. It is family time and he is with his girlfriend he is not accepting calls. MY son was devastated and I am done. The cell phones went off and I am so mad right now if I never hear from him again it will be too soon. I will be writing my resume tomorrow. Pursuing a job big time and moving toward my goals. My children deserve better than the slaps in the face he is giving them.

Wednesday I have the nerve study done on my arm that he repeatedly crushed a month ago and I am hoping no permanent nerve damage has been done. I can't believe the crap I have taken in the name of love. I am so mad right now. I hate what happened to my son but in a way I think it was a sign from God that I needed to get angry and get my self together. Edie thanks for stopping by I have missed you. Thank you all for your advice. I feel like you are my family. I love you for the support you give me.

Hugs

[I_Still_Love_Him]

Amy,

I am so sorry to hear the latest news.

I know that you love your H and you can't stand to watch him destroy himself but you can not put yourself or your kids in jeopardy. He needs serious help and you should not go back unless he gets it.

He also needs to let the OW go. I hate to say this but by not setting boundaries with all his As, you have enabled him. I'm not saying this to lay blame but rather that you are allowing him to walk all over you. That is not love because if you loved YOURSELF as much as you love him, you would not allow this to continue.

If your H chooses not to get help and chooses to take his own life, it is still his choice. A selfish one but you need to understand that you are not responsible for his choices. I went through feeling a lot of guilt when my father took his life but I realized that I couldn't go on lying to my then H and taking money out of our line of credit to feed my father's gambling addiction. I owed the bank $40K that I took out for my F without my H knowing. How much longer was this going to continue? As long as I let it. The fact that he chose to take his life, when I finally said, I can't do it anymore, left me feeling responsible until I realized that there was no saving him because he wasn't doing anything to save himself. You can't fix him.

You can continue to be supportive but do it from afar. After he has been going for some time, you do need to tell him that you want to talk to his doctor and that he is welcome to go with you. He needs to include you in his therapy so that he doesn't try to deceive you again. This may sound controlling but hey, this is one time when you need to show him that you will be there for him and with him. You will want to ensure that he takes his meds.

As for sending him a card, I'm not sure that you should until he decides to get help. How can you send him a get well card if he's not doing anything about it?

You can continue to stand for your M from afar until you feel it is safe to go back. He is so manipulative and he knows he can get to your side and he can get his way again. Think about what this is doing to your kids. Would you want your kids to marry someone like your H?

You will be in my prayers for that is all we can do to help your H right now.

Hugs to you,
ISLH

[Dom R]

Please note: you need to talk to a lawyer first, if you plan to not allow him to call his children.

similarly, if you plan to limit their calls to him.

[Dom R]

PS:

He told me he loved me and not to give up on him

next time he pulls that garbage, I think you should feel free to tell him that when he actually commits to your marriage again, then you will.

[Amy]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I am going to talk to a lawyer today and see what I need to do. Once again I have survived a sleepless night. I know somehow my children and I will survive this.

ISLH, you are so right. If I gave myself a percentage of the love I gave him I would be so much better off. I have to focus on me and let him go. I know the road ahead may be rocky but I have no choice but to ride out the bumps.

[Amy]

Well, I have made it all day without calling him and I plan to continue with no contact at all. It is so hard. I just want to SCREAM. I did send him this email but he wont get it until he gets out of the hospital but it was at the advice of my therapist. That was my last contact totally. If he calls the kids will answer if he doesn't obey the guidelines then he wont talk to them at all.

H,

You may call the kids from 6-7 PM CST on school nights and on the weekends all calls need to be made before 7 PM CST also as I will be maintaining a consistent bedtime. Per the advise of the therapist all phone calls need to be concluded by 7 PM so they can have time to let their minds clear before going to bed.

We will be attending church on Sundays and Wednesdays so the kids may not be available on these days via phone. When I have them in sports and activities if the times need to change I will let you know.

The kids know that they will be expecting calls from you from 6-7 CST which is 7-8 your time. If you do not call then they will wait until the next day to speak with you. Many times there have been many calls made from the kids to you and I get the blame for them so to clarify this we will not call at all. They have been told they can talk to you when you call them. They are fine with this. If there are any emergencies I will email you or notify you when you call the kids. If you choose to not speak to me then you will get all notification via email or certified mail.

At the advice of the therapist all calls will be limited to whichever kids want to speak. I am not to force anyone that does not want to talk to do so at this time. They all have their own ways of dealing with everything.

Also, all calls will monitored and if the conversation is not appropriate the call will be disconnected.

I will not keep you from interacting from your kids but boundaries need to be set.











Let me know what you guys think about that? I hope it wasn't to harsh but I wanted to be to the point and unemotional. He needs to think/know I am done.

[Amy]

Well, he didnt call the kids last night so we will see what happens.

[Dom R]

Per the advise of the therapist all phone calls need to be concluded by 7 PM so they can have time to let their minds clear before going to bed.

that seems a little bizzare to me. what time do you actually make them go to sleep?

Many times there have been many calls made from the kids to you and I get the blame for them so to clarify this we will not call at all.

Sorry, what is the blame issue here? you should be specific, i think.
blamed for what? is he complaining that they call too much?

Also, all calls will monitored and if the conversation is not appropriate the call will be disconnected.

I think you need to be more specific about what kinds of things you deem as "not appropriate".

[/quote]

[Amy]

Ok first of all they go to bed at 8:30 PM and before he was calling at like 8 PM and they were sobbing, and upset and I couldn't get them to go to bed. I have had 5 children in bed with me for weeks. She thought to do baths after they talk to dad they have time to play do a bedtime storey and then read a book and they have other things on their minds.. I thought it worth a try because I really need a schedule to get them out of my bed.

He has been saying I call him 10-15 times a day. I haven't been calling at all. Of course phone records show I call because the kids use my cell phones. With having five kids if they each call him two times that is 10 calls. My 9 year old (also bipolar) calls him 8-10 times a day if I do not hide the phone. He is distraught by all of this.

Basically he is not allowed to tell them he is coming back because last week he told them on Wednesday he was moving back up here he loved mommy and them and he would be here soon. (he was doped up on meds). I heard the phone call because it was on speaker and ask him not to make promises and we concluded the call. On Thursday when my son ask him about it he called my son a liar and said he never said that. That was the same night he slashed his wrist 4 times after telling me he loved me. He is just not stable and is dragging the kids on his emotional roller coaster. He knows I mean that he can not say he is coming back. I guess however I should be clearer next time.