Ok..no...you are right. I have told her this. It is just hard for me to see her like that and not try to "fix" it for her. I've been conditioned to do that. And i care about her and I want to make sure she is ok. I guess I just feel like, although I don't need to dig, that maybe I need to remind her that it is ok to come to me for stuff. I know it is hard for her to do that. She hasn't responded so she's probably like "F him" anyway. Take it back..she just got back to me. Says it is just the schedules and not having that figured out. Which is probably true because that does tend to stress her out. But she is also saying that she feels like her life is in a holding pattern because she doesn't have time to figure get all this stuff done and that she feels trapped and doesn't have her freedom. Not sure what I can do about that. This is NOT my gig. Not what I want. So I just can't help her there. But she seems to understand that.
She still seems to feel like a D will solve all the problems in her life. That she will finally have her freedom. Well, we pretty much already are. We have sold our house, we are both in our own places, she has her boyfriend. I mean I know it's not legal yet, but she's living the life she'll have once it is. Not much will change once it's legal.
Personally I think she feels trapped by her own choices. She feels trapped because she is living a lie. Certain people know certain things and most don't anything. Her sister didn't seem to want to know what was going on and that seemed to give her some solice. But in the end, that doesn't help her. That can't be an easy way to live and would, I think, make you feel pretty trapped. Sadly, she probably won't figure that out until after we are divorced.
She has sworn up and down that she wouldn't leave me for him and that this has nothing to do with him. But it does. I simply can't believe that she would not work on this M with all of my changes if he were not out there waiting for her. Sad. Just easier to run to him than to confront what she has done I guess. She says it's just the "too much damage done". I guess maybe I just can't understand that because I'm not in her shoes. I don't know.
What's really sad is that my kids will be the ones to pay the price for this. I hate that. I hate when my S7 sits in my bed and cries to me to not get a D. I hate when my D6 acts out and tries to get attention because she is so confused by this situation. And now S5 is even acting out, throwing fits, etc. He never did that. And I have to believe it is because he is confused as well.
My R with them is better and I believe her's is as well..and that's great...but this is still going to hurt them. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier for them if we fought all the time. I think that is what confuses them. They see us getting along and so they don't understand why we can't live together. Heck, I'm not sure I do - so why would they?
BUT...I will be ok. I do have my new life. I am enjoying it. I know I have me. The new me. The happy me. I have a lot to offer someone who is willing to give me a shot. She may be unwilling to do that...but someone will.
How I wish they can see the situation thru our eyes. How I wish they can see the situation thru the eyes of our children.
How I wish that something would light up in their head and say, WTF have I done? How I wish that light bulb moment would be now, and not when it is to late.
Puffy swears up and down he did not leave me for her. He swears that our D has NOTHING to do with HER. But c'mon, he has been with her since the day he walked out that door.
I had to tell my babies we are getting divorced. I have to hold them and rock them to sleep at night still , even tho it has been a year and half, and they go to therapy, and they so much love surrounding them.
How can someone be so selfish? HOw can somone piss on everyone's elses life so that they can feel "free". It is not even a real freedom. For them to obtain that "freedom" the path to get there was built on lies. It still is filled with lies. Not only to us and our babies, but to themselves.
I don't wish him harm, but I don't wish him well, just Like I don't wish your W harm, but I don't wish her well.
Call me bitter, that is fine. But I am a mother first, and when our children have been hurt, the people that hurt them should remember it always.
You will shine, Swash.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
I've gone over the same feelings many a time in my mind swashy...only real difference for me is that there is no OM in my case. Maybe one day she will realize what she has done, but like you said, you have your new life and relationship with your kids. I think you mentioned anger issues in your past...I have had those too.
Thank you lissie! We can wish all we want but that will never make it happen hun. that is out of our control. I'm not angry with her or bitter. I can't be. I love her too much to ever hate her. And I know that my actions helped to get her to where she is today. All my fault? Of course not. But I played a role in it. I feel bad for her but I can't hate her. She simply can't do it. If she could, I have to believe she would. She is not a bad person at heart. She is just really confused and making poor decisions...it's just a shame that everyone else has to pay the price for those decisions. But just like I can't ask a man without hands to play the guitar, I can't ask her to save her M. She simply does not have it in her to do what it takes. I thought I married a woman who had those qualities. Who had strength. I was wrong and that is sad but I can't be angry with her for what she is not.
And thanks Cincy. Yes, I had some anger issues and I have worked hard to rid myself of those and I'm now going to a new C for that very reason - to help make sure they never come back. I do think that is part of the reason I can't be angry with her. The though of having that in me again makes me ill. I hated being angry - if that makes sense. I refuse to ever go back to that.
SO...what do I do? I go back to what got me where I am today...which is happier than I have been in years. I stop getting sucked into her. I continue to move on with me and my life. I have a lot to be thankful for and I need to continue on that path. I feel my mood getting better already. Nice that when I get down these days it doesn't last for long.
Not all anger is bad...if you can channel your anger, it is one of your most powerful and useful emotions. Anger put into action is amazing.
Anger over injustice causes change.
So often, we are afraid of anger or we think anger makes us "bad."
Screw that!!!! I taught an anger class when I worked for the DV organization. Anger is a useful and normal emotion. If we don't allow ourselves to feel righteous anger we are weak people.
Anger at being in an abusive situation made me move out of it. Anger at crap at work made me work harder to get into a job where I can utilize my talents. Anger at my debt is causing me to strive hard to get it to a better point.
Don't deny your anger. Focus it on something productive instead.
Interesting Fig. And thanks! I know I have every right to be angry. I do get that. And I know anger is a totally normal emotion and should obviously not be bottled up. I'm just not really feeling it. Sure I've had my moments of frustration but not sure I'd really call it anger. At least not lately. Maybe I'm overcompensating...but I don't know...I really don't feel it.
So I certainly don't think I need to try and make myself feel angry...but I need to let myself feel angry if it come to me....as long as it is reasonable for the situation. BUT - getting angry over something I have no control over...doesn't do me any good. You said anger made you change those things in your life. That's great...but there is nothing I can change with this - besides pushing for the D myself..and that is not what I want. So what do I do? All I can thing of is that I accept what is happening to me and move on with my life.
And I know that I do not want her back as she is right now. That is something I seem to lose sight of once in a while. The lies, the cheating, the deception, the passive agressive behavior, the inability to confront issues...all of that. DON'T want it! Not a bit. I guess I was just holding out hope that she could change...but maybe that in itself is silly. I felt like I had changed in so many ways that maybe she could to. And maybe she can...and is in some ways...I don't know. And maybe she'll change in all those ways but still want nothing to do with me. How's that for ironic! Could happen. But I have no control over it. She's going to do whatever it is she is going to do and she will be whatever it is she wants to be.
All I can do is accept that she is divorcing me and move on with my life. Who she becomes through this process and what she does with her life is her business.