I never had a problem with age until this birthday. The big #60 was fast approaching and I was not dealing with it very well. My marriage of 41 years was dull, boring, sexless, and none of my emotional needs were being met. My H never was one to communicate...just wanted to watch tv all the time....no hobbies, recreaction.....nothing for fun...nothing...period... and after the first 25 years, I finally gave up. I still tried to find things to fill the void in my life just as I always had befoe, but then I got Fibromyalgia and the stuff I went through with it would be a story within itself. However, the thing is this....out of boredom and lonliness I turned to playing games on the internet and those where you can chat with the person you play with. Then I began to flirt with them. What harm could it do? They were on the other side of the world and I would never see them. It was fun and I began to feel sexual excitment. Did I mention that H and I had not had sex in eleven years? Repeat....11 years! Finally I turned to a chat room that was really a "sex" web site. I got a email account that H would not know about....at least I thought he wouldn't find out. So, I began to have several men to respond to my profile that I placed on the web and the erotic chat was very exciting to me. I had always been the "good girl" when I was a teen and then the very "proper" Christian wife for over 40 years. This new "sin" that I discovered was so thrilling and I found out that I was not frigid because I could respond to the erotic chat. I also had a web cam and I began to show myself to these men. One thing led to another until I would be embarrased to tell what I did. Anyway, H found the IM messages and was able to access everything that I had said. So, you know what hit the fan. After the talk he gave me, I was a good little girl and went to the computer and deleted all my contacts. Except one. Somehow, he was able to contact me when I went on line the next night. I secretly continued to communicate with him. A relationship quickly developed to a deeeper level. We have never met in real life, but he declares his love for me and wants to set up a meeting. H found out and is demanding I end the on line relationship. H wants to work things out in our marriage even though he feels like I have committed adulty (in my heart). I feel confussed. I am drained emtionally and physically. I don't know if I want to continue the marriage or if I will ever want to have sex with H again. I tell myself that I have the "grass is greener" syndrome, but I can't help but wonder if that is my once in a lifetime chance at true hapiness. I have communicated with the OM almost every day for 8 months and he has told me everything about himself and I have "tested" him several ways and he always passes. My H even investigated him over the internet and could not find anything bad on him. I am going through the wanting to "flight" and yet I don't want to hurt H. He is a good man, but I don't feel in love with him. He is not highly motivated at all about anything. He does not provide a very high standard of living (because of his lack of motivation) whereas the OM makes a very good living. I just don't know what to do. I am afraid if I leave it will destroy H. I can't seem to bring myself to tell OM goodbye....I tried about three times and always go back to him (on line). I waited for about 4 month after H found out about the OM for him to approach me to talk. I don't know why, he never has began a conversation before, except when he told me he knew about the OM. So, I broke my vow to myself and asked him if he wanted to talk and see if we could resolve some issues. The thing is that I have just got to the place that I am willing...."to be willing" to talk to H. That has been an accomplishment, but it is not good enough for H. He wants me to say that I want our marriage to work more than anything on earth and he says I am too negative about it. I don't show the "energy" (if you can believe that) that he wants to see put into it. Tonight, I told him that was the best I could do. Any advice would be appreciated. I know all the horror stories about meetings over the internet, etc., so please do go there. I know all the dangers, etc. I just need advice about the M and the R.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm completely new to this as well so I well refrain from advice. Read the posts, they are an eye opener, and the books everyone is talking about, I'm waiting by the mailbox, should help.
Thank you for responding. I have not read the book but was thinking about ordering it. I have already read so many on M. I can't honestly say what I want right now. I am confused and torn. I know I can't make a life with H as long as I hold on to the OM. At the same time I am scared to death to tell the OM good-bye. I know it is wrong to continue to communicate with OM, but he seems like my soul mate. Gosh, I have heard others say things like this and click my tongue in disgust at their stupidy. I consider myself to be a bright person, but I am not acting like it. My emotions are on a roller coaster. In the mornings I resolve to try to work on my marriage...and by night I don't have the desire to even look at my H. I appreciate the fact anyone would take the time just to talk to me and lend a friendly hand. I need someone to talk to me. I am so unhappy from years of noncommunication. We have been emotionally divorced for decades now. He wants to work it out, but I don't know if I have the energy left to do that. I don't know if I love him. I just don't know much of anything right now. Please keep talking to me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much. It would be fine if you want to say anything to me. I guess I need to hear what anyone would say....if I agreed or not. Most of what I have read has been men going through MLC, but it was me in our case. Getting older, loosing my youth and looks, not to mention my health as well. It all has taken a toll on me. I am a little old to consider an affair, but that is what I am doing. I have never been with another man before or since my H. I know I am in crises. I am reaching out to anyone that will offer to help. Thanks.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi, well, at some point maybe I have felt almost all the emotions except hate. I don't think I have ever felt that. It is just so easy to put all the blame on him right now, but I have to admit that he is not all to blame. I had the EA. I had the cybersex. He has always tried to tune out anything that he did not want to believe or accept. To other people, he appears to be next to a saint. That makes me the bad guy with our grown children, the church, people in general. So, I feel a lot of resentment toward him. I have a "turned-off" feeling about him in every category. I am having problems respecting him in the area of his work...or I should say lack of work. We are in serious debt that I blame him for. He blames me for being frigid all our married life. So, we are blaming each other. However, I own up to my mistakes and have admitted them to him. He, on the other hand, finds it very difficult to admit he was wrong about anything. We have tried to talk some this week, but don't think we've gained any ground. I would appreciate your comments. Thanks. Oh, and don't hesitate to ask anything.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Women can not love two men at the same time. Loving one will prevent you from having the right feelings for the one you have a history with. Trying to "eat cake" will cost you both men in the end.
Your feelings about your life with your H may originate from some legitimate concerns. These concerns need to be dealt with in another manner. The true odds of you being happy with the OM in two years (after your H will no longer speak your name) are minimal, but you may learn to live with your choices since you can't go back home.
People will tell you about someone they know that took a chance and never looked back. You will want to believe it is your calling. The only way to find out is to go for it. The only way to turn your back on everything that was ever important in your life is to go for it. The only way to find out it is a terrible mistake that can not be undone is to go for it.
The overwhelming amount of published works on mlc use great detail to explain your addiction. The excitement and addiction to the attention you are getting is no different than the addiction to a narcotic. Your brain is producing a chemical reaction to the experience and you are addicted to it. You do need to understand this. You do need to consider non emotional facts as you consider destroying your life and multiple family ties you have not discussed. This addiction runs its course. It leaves you more depressed in time, than you are now.
But you already know you will never forgive yourself for not taking this one time shot. You already know if you cut off OM cold turkey for good, you will think about him every day and never forgive yourself for trying. Well, in time you will never forgive yourself for abandoning your M this way, but the only way to find out is to go for it ... and I believe you will.
I think you developed such a negative view of your life and your H's role in it that you believe you will die if you don't go for it. You have come to the wrong place if you are hoping for support in leaving. You see, most of us have had someone destroy our lives and we were probably viewed just as boring as your H. But we loved our W unconditionally. We could have forgiven almost anything and worked through it all if only we would have been allowed.
