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A Message from Michele
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#110222 01/26/03 03:09 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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I thought I would jump in and tell newcomers about the importance of goal-setting. And there's no better way to do this than to give you an example of goal-setting in action. For those of you who haven't read the thread regarding Joanne's goals, here it is!!!! Read it. Set goals. come back!
Michele


The Divorce Buster
#110223 01/26/03 03:33 AM
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I have 3 goals and the ones that I have to help improve my marriage are
1)Make the most out of C sessions with W.
2)Try to establish friendship with W by continuing to be nice and giving her space.
3)make the most out of phone coach with A DB'ing coach scheduled for monday.

#110224 01/26/03 03:37 AM
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my goals

1) become friends with H.
2) stop pursuit behavior
3) H will call me
4) H will eventually ask me to dinner

cooper

#110225 01/26/03 03:45 AM
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27882

1)Make the most out of C sessions with W.

What will this consist of? What are your specific goals on this? Learning communications skills? Getting her to hear your side? You hearing her side? Becoming more comfortable with each other?

What specific things would you consider to be "getting the most out of C sessions", and what actions could you take to get there?


JJ

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#110226 01/26/03 03:47 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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27882,
Re-read the goal-setting thread with Joanne. Your goals aren't specific enough. Ask yourself, "What will I be doing when I ______(Fill in the blank with your goals)?" what actions will you be taking? If I were a fly on the wall, what would I see you doing.

Cooper,
Goals 1 and 2 need more work for the same reasons as above. So, go back to the drawing board!!
Michele

And by the way, veteran DB'ers can help here too!!!
Michele


The Divorce Buster
#110227 01/26/03 03:50 AM
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1) H will spend more time at house
2) H will ask about my life/day
3) H will call me
4) H will eventually ask me to dinner

cooper


#110228 01/26/03 04:01 AM
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I'll bite

When I interact with W I will

Not discuss OR
Compliment her at least twice
Say nothing that could be construed as negative/critisizing
about her

When she notices she will
Initiate contact more frequently

Is it possible to set "larger" goals when seperated/mostly dark?


Stephan one day at a time
#110229 01/26/03 04:05 AM
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I should add that to my goals.
I will not talk about R.
I will not criticize.
I will respect his opinion. Even though I may not agree.

cooper

#110230 01/26/03 04:38 AM
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I'll bite as well.

1. W will accept my invite to our house for dinner once a week.
2. W will invite me to join her piano practice.
3. W will chat with me about things happening during her days.
4. W will stop talking about D.
5. W will give me her phone number.
6. W will continue to try the "feel good" things we learned at C with me.

Embarrassingly, these goals are steps back of my previous goals back in late October...

Chuck

#110231 01/26/03 04:45 AM
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1. Be friends with my H.
* Try to stay happy and light in conversation.
* Listen more than talk.
* Give H full attention, make eye contact if in person.
* Validate H's feelings.
* Validate H's wants and needs.
* Let H know his wants and needs are important to me.

Current Progress:
* Have been happy and lighthearted, even joking around, in conversations with H.
* Struggling with the listening more than talking - I find myself sometimes interrupting H (I do this to everyone) when he is expressing feelings, must learn to shut my mouth.
* Always give H full attention, no interruptions.
* Trying to validate H's feelings, wants and needs by reiterating what he says and acknowleding my understanding.
* Need to work on letting him know he is important to me.

Results:
H has begun to open up more to me about R and feelings - admits to being hurt and vulnerable. H has become honest about his feelings finally. H contacts me to tell me about things going on in his life. H jokes around with me.

2. Be a person my H will -want- to forgive and be with.
* Stop tangible behaviors that led to feelings of distrust. (Talking about the old days, flirting with friends, talking online to others daily.)
* See #1.

Current Progress:
* Stopped all tangible behaviours that led to H's distrust.

Results:
None yet. Most behaviours aren't visible to H on a regular basis, we have little contact and I just started most of these.

3. Develop my personal interests and self.
* Workout regularly with friends.
* Make new friends.
* Go out more frequently with friends.
* Take interesting classes (art class!).
* Get involved in hobbies again.
* Get involved in a sport.

Current Progress:
* Working out every free evening after work with coworker.
* Making new friends through coworker.
* Going out with these friends as much as possible (which isn't much yet).
* Taking an art class at the local college.
* Started some crafts, picking art back up, reading frequently.
* Looking into this (darn winter makes golfing difficult).

Results:
On the PMA rollercoaster but it's usually fairly high. Art class is a lot of fun, enjoying myself there and in my new hobbies. Enjoying hanging out with friends again. Enjoying experiencing the nightlife of downtown Chicago and all the neat clubs available. Lost 30 pounds, would like to get into some kind of sport league.


-Calystra
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