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Perhaps just asking this question means I'm not, but I'm worried that waiting too long to start piecing could be as problematic as starting too soon. Here's what's happened recently that I think means we're there or at least close:

1. H agreed to go to MC starting 4 weeks ago. While the goal was explictly to understand what happened, rather than to work on our marriage, we still talked about lots of 'what if we wanted to fix this R" - both at C and outside it. On several occassions, he raised the "what if".
2. Until two days ago, he hadn't talked to OW for about 2 months. She called. H stepped into another room and talked to her. H's cell phone rang multiple times after that, and he ignored it. It was too late at night for it to be anyone but her.
3. Yesterday, H says that OW called to yell at him. He went on to talk about how emotional she is. He called her something like an "emotional basketcase". I'm not sure that's the exact phrase, but that was the gist of it. He said something about it not working; implying there's no future in that relationship. That's the first time I heard anything like that. He's talked about timing and circumstances not being right for them, but never anything about their relationship itself that would make it not work out.
4. H says that he used to think he would be happy if he was just with OW (instead of me). But, he's realized that's not the case. That didn't fix it. He's still not happy. Has he realized that I can't create happiness for him? And that it's not entirely my fault that he's not happy?
5. We hadn't seen each other for over a week - due to various travel schedules. We did not make specific plans for when I came home, but he knew my schedule. He came over about to do "whatever I planned to do that afternoon." Just showing up is new. Wanting to do "whatever I'm doing" is new. He said that he missed me.
6. Got physical... not S, but gentle, affectionate touching that he hasn't done in I don't know how long. We both wanted to ML, but didn't. He asked what I was thinking, and I said "I'm not telling!" in a flirtatious kind of way. His reply: this would be a good time to ML, but I'm not ready yet. Love that he felt it too, and that he said it!
7. Yesterday, he called late at night to ask if he could come over. He's never done that before. It was late so not too much conversation, but he did say that he thinks our R is worth working on. We ML for the first time since the Bomb. This wasn't just getting caught up in the moment - he resisted that earlier in the weekend. It really seems like he decided.

So, am I in piecing yet? Am I reading too much into a few great days? It wasn't just one incident; it was the whole 2 days since I've been home.

Thoughts? Advice? How can I help prevent backsliding?


Me 41
H 42
M 11 years
no children
Bomb: 10/2006 "I'm better without you than with you."
Separated: 12/2006
H moved back: 6/2007
Joined: Apr 2007
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Sounds like piecing to me.

The only way you can prevent backsliding is to be disciplined. You will feel like reverting to old ways when H acts like his old self. It happens. I kind of snapped at my W last night on our movie date because she gets so agitated and frustrated about every little thing before we get tickets, popcorn and get to our seats. I said "calm down" kind of harshly, but after a few minutes we both were relaxed and it passed.

Good luck and don't think there isn't a lot of hard work ahead. Keep referencing The Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting, because you still can't change him, you can only change the way you interact with him!


~
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Yay! Thank you for your quick reply. I partly just needed some validation that I'm not just seeing what I want to see. And thanks for the "warnings." I think I need to read DR all over again - all that stuff about how to make the relationship better is more relevant now that I have a relationship to work on.


Me 41
H 42
M 11 years
no children
Bomb: 10/2006 "I'm better without you than with you."
Separated: 12/2006
H moved back: 6/2007
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 18
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No serious R talk yesterday, but H did allude to moving back in... it was a passing comment about how impractical our curretn living arrangements are, and I almost jumped on it. I wanted to say something like "do you want to move back in?" or "Of why don't you just move back?" But I held my tongue. It's really, really hard for me not to pressure or pursue right now.


Me 41
H 42
M 11 years
no children
Bomb: 10/2006 "I'm better without you than with you."
Separated: 12/2006
H moved back: 6/2007
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 5,302
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As someone who let her H move back in too soon - please think hard about what you want/need from him before you do this.

For example - do you need him to recommit to your M? Agree to go to counseling? Are you two going to work on the M/R together? How?

I really wish I had done this. DON'T pressure him by hitting him with any of this yet, but please do think through what you need. And then if/when he asks to move back make sure you ask very clearly for what you need.


Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7
Bomb 1 10/07/06
Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15
Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07
Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate
2/08 slowly improving
7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!)
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NikkiB - thanks for the advice. You are totally right. I just read through some of your threads and already found lots of good, specific examples of this... I'll be following you form now on.

I need to figure out what my boundaries are with OW. Probably just honesty at this point. I think it would push him away to demand no contact. And I need to keep GALing. Maybe more.

I'm also thinking about requesting that he do the following exercise with me:

We each make a list of 10 things that we'd like our spouse to do for us or with us. Has to be something new (or something that we haven't done in a long time). Then we each look at the others list, and it's our responsibility to make at least 2 of the things on the list happen in the next week. Too pushy? I'm thinking it will prevent us from just falling back into the same patterns. It also will help us communicate about needs/wants.


Me 41
H 42
M 11 years
no children
Bomb: 10/2006 "I'm better without you than with you."
Separated: 12/2006
H moved back: 6/2007
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 18
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Joined: Apr 2007
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NikkiB - thanks for the advice. You are totally right. I just read through some of your threads and already found lots of good, specific examples of this... I'll be following you form now on.

I need to figure out what my boundaries are with OW. Probably just honesty at this point. I think it would push him away to demand no contact. And I need to keep GALing. Maybe more.

I'm also thinking about requesting that he do the following exercise with me:

We each make a list of 10 things that we'd like our spouse to do for us or with us. Has to be something new (or something that we haven't done in a long time). Then we each look at the others list, and it's our responsibility to make at least 2 of the things on the list happen in the next week. Too pushy? I'm thinking it will prevent us from just falling back into the same patterns. It also will help us communicate about needs/wants.


Me 41
H 42
M 11 years
no children
Bomb: 10/2006 "I'm better without you than with you."
Separated: 12/2006
H moved back: 6/2007
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 18
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 18
NikkiB - thanks for the advice. You are totally right. I just read through some of your threads and already found lots of good, specific examples of this... I'll be following you form now on.

I need to figure out what my boundaries are with OW. Probably just honesty at this point. I think it would push him away to demand no contact. And I need to keep GALing. Maybe more.

I'm also thinking about requesting that he do the following exercise with me:

We each make a list of 10 things that we'd like our spouse to do for us or with us. Has to be something new (or something that we haven't done in a long time). Then we each look at the others list, and it's our responsibility to make at least 2 of the things on the list happen in the next week. Too pushy? I'm thinking it will prevent us from just falling back into the same patterns. It also will help us communicate about needs/wants.


Me 41
H 42
M 11 years
no children
Bomb: 10/2006 "I'm better without you than with you."
Separated: 12/2006
H moved back: 6/2007
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 5,302
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I saw that Dana ("galing") did something like this awhile back. Her H wasn't willing to do any of the things on her list so it kind of backfired, but I do think it's a good idea overall.

One thing I remember that was really important was that they exchanged lists of "things you can do to make me feel loved" (basically). But they weren't REQUIRED to do them - they could do them if they wanted to show the other person love. I thought that was a good idea.

I like the idea of finding things to keep you out of the same patterns. It's wayyyy too easy to fall back into them.


Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7
Bomb 1 10/07/06
Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15
Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07
Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate
2/08 slowly improving
7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!)
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So, H brought up moving back in. I said I thought that was a good idea, but that I wanted to talk about some things first - like what we'd need to do differently. Unfortunately, it was a short conversation, since we were on our way to meet friends for dinner. This was Tuesday night. I didn't really come up last night; and I leave town Saturday for a week. He needs to end his lease at the end of a month and give 30 days notice, so needs to decide before I leave or ends up paying another months rent. So... should I raise the issue? Tonight? Tomorrow night? Maybe raise it tonight, but suggest that we talk about it Friday night, so he's prepared? I've been trying not to initiate R talk, but wonder if I really should raise this given the deadline and that he brought it up first.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

He's been spending most nights with me even though it's not all that convenient for him to go back and forth to his apartment. Yay!

P.S. Sorry for the multiple postings earlier in the thread. If anyone knows a way to delete them, let me know.


Me 41
H 42
M 11 years
no children
Bomb: 10/2006 "I'm better without you than with you."
Separated: 12/2006
H moved back: 6/2007

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