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oldtimer #1029962 04/26/07 07:38 PM
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I probably should have but with the kids on school vacation and son having a sleepover birthday party here tomorrow night I figured it'd be best to get some stuff done for that. So, I did and then I got a slap in the face.

Don't know if I mentioned it or not but bil's w before christmas decided she wanted a d. She had been doing some book keeping for h. Figuring that she would no longer be working for h I offered to take over. At that point h's busy season hadn't started. Fast fwd to a couple of weeks ago where h and I are at a birthday party sitting at a table with bil, sil and sil's h. Sil says something about being at h's office so he could show her some things...as usual I knew nothing about the visit. I asked h oh you didn't tell me sil and the kids stopped by...his response was oh she asked if she could do some cleaning and stuff for me. I find out today through sil that "stuff" meant the book keeping. Nice of h to say "gee honey I know you offered but my sis could use the money and you've got enough to do so I hope you don't mind but I'm going to let her do it" I know that's probably a lot to ask for just like all the things that seem so simple to me. heck he could have said "oh btw sis is going to take over the book keeping for me" whatever...I only offerd as a means to bring me into his world a little...guess he really doesn't want me there.

UGH!

now I'm off to bake a cake

LL

lostlove #1030139 04/26/07 08:24 PM
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LL,

No PA stuff...

Tell HIM. "H, I feel like I just got a slap in the face. I feel disrespected, rejected, and excluded because you dismissed my offer of help without even letting me know. It is not OK with me and it is pushing me farther from this M."

Then, figure out when you can enjoy the beach, or a game of pool for that matter.


Best,
Oldtimer
oldtimer #1040205 05/04/07 08:12 AM
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Hi LL

I remember you too. Although I don't post much these days, I do check out the board for some old timers.

If you have been working away on this problem of yours for years now and you don't feel any reciprocal effort or interest at all on H's part, I would certainly consider your other options. I came to this board looking to save my marriage, but I have got to the point where I feel better on my own and look forward to my divorce being final next Monday. A marriage takes two to work on it, and I learned that they are reasons one party might be content to have things the way he wants them even if it means disrespect and pain for the other party. There is some benefit to them. If there is not enough benefit to you, beyond financial security, face saving etc, (we are all vulnerable in these areas) then I would recommend re-evaluating your options...


"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Livnlearn #1042849 05/07/07 05:10 PM
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HI JEN.......

I was over on the SSM board and saw you there. I was so happy to see that your marriage is going so much better. You sure hung in there and worked hard enough!

How are your Babies? I bet getting really big and propbably more beautiful then I remember.

Just wanted you to know that I'm still around and I still think of you. The few times I have come over here, I aven't seen you so this is a pleasant surprise!

Love,
Bethie

BethM #1082409 06/04/07 07:23 PM
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LL,

How you be?


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oldtimer #1082567 06/04/07 08:48 PM
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How I be?

I be still stuck in a strange place of trying to figure out if I'm un-happy in this relationship because it is a poor relationship or if I'm un-happy in this relationship because it is just like every other crappy relationship out there and that's just the way it is.

I'm feeling like it was not a saving grace but a horrible misfortune that I came across db and this board when h left. Sure it helped me to get through some hard times but it also put me in a mind set that love is a choice, relationships are hard work, one can change the r yada yada yada.
When h left it was scary..I was 29 with two little babies...I was uncertain of what would happen to me suddenly a single mother. I also felt a sense of releif...I finally knew why I had felt that the m was nothing more than a facade...it was true...h never really did feel that way about me.
On some level when h came home I knew it wouldn't last but didn't think he'd just fall back into his old ways.

I'm still stuck and I know nothing is going to get me unstuck unless I unstick myself. Trouble is I'm not ready to make a decision that involves more than just my life without honest open dialoge from the other person who's life it involved (in other words I don't want to be a bomb dropper) trouble is the other person involved isn't interested in an open honest dialoge...they have decided we got married and that's just the way it is.

as usual UGH!

LL

lostlove #1082579 06/04/07 09:00 PM
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I see. Well, I can help you with one thing. Pretty easy topic actually.

No, your R is not just like any other R out there. For instance, I have a great M of a kind that I didn't even conceive was possible with XH. Nor, would such an R have been possible with XH.

Don't NOT talk because you are afraid H won't respond. Talk. Say your peace. If H doesn't say anything back, that IS his response.

You are back to being afraid of being a WAS because you hold such disdain for them. First, WASs aren't evil. Second, you wouldn't be a WAS if you clearly and unmistakably express where you are to H and he chooses to not take the actions necessary for changing your M into one you want to stay in.

It is easy enough not to be a WAS. Having made a genuine effort in your M (which you have) and giving fair warning (which you can do) is all that is required.


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Oldtimer
oldtimer #1082584 06/04/07 09:04 PM
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Oops, forgot these: ((((((((((LL))))))))))


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Oldtimer
oldtimer #1083035 06/05/07 02:25 AM
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When I have talked h's response has been

"well that sucks"
"that's just the way I am"
"we got married"

or he says nothing

or he accuses me of living in some fantasy world or that I don't now how good I have it or that my feelings about our r are due to my friends anything but owning up to his part in the demise of the r or even accepting the fact that the r is sitting in an empty grave with piles of dirt being thrown on it each day.

But isn't that still a waw. How many of the men on this board were told by their wives over and over again that they weren't happy? and yet act like they didn't know...why because as women we let our feelings be known...have them taken for "nagging" or "complaing" or "never being satisfied" or "not being able to wait long enough for h to do something" and when we finally feel like we've said all we can say...feel like you've heard us and wont do anything to change the r we give up and suddenly it's a surprise?

UGH!

lostlove #1083260 06/05/07 06:09 AM
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OK, so, what is the (supposed to be) greatest fault of a WAW? That the WAW doesn't give the chance for the LBS to get it.

Give H the wake up call that he hears. Give him the chance to get it. That is all it takes not to be a WAW.


Best,
Oldtimer
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