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Hey Jeff,

Watch the resentments they are killers. Feel the anger but try not do anything when you are caught up in it. Easier said than done I know.

Crazy as it sounds I'm starting to enjoy my freedom. I have left the door open to the W but she is the one who must walk through it.

Good luck,
Paul

Jeff223 #1063286 05/22/07 09:24 AM
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Jeff, Thanks for posting on my thread and have caught up with your sitch. It's hard for LBS to turn off the "trust" switch but that's what we need to do especially during the proceedings of a big D. See what you mean now about preferring no contact. At least for me it's just e-mails and the occasional phone call because of the distance between us, would not want to be in the same town for certain.

Would say to watch out for the anger/hate stuff. Can't really stop the feelings from hitting, but need to let them just wash over and leave, not hold on to, which invariably leads people down the wrong road. My 2 cents anyway. RonJon


RonJon
Jeff223 #1063294 05/22/07 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted By: Jeff223
One interesting thing is that she gained weight. She had really slimmed down when she dropped the bomb but now she has gained it back and more (I had not seen her in a month). I read where ISLH's H gained weight and she took it as a positive sign that his life was in the toilet and that he may be inching home. I took my stbx weight gain the same way: her new rosy life is apparently not so rosy after all. And I smiled, shame on me.


Jeff,

My stbx is the same. She slimmed way down and was looking better than I had seen her in years when she dropped the bomb. She has to be at least 20 lbs heavier than she was this time last year. Not only that, she has this washed out, hung out to dry look about her. She looks as thought she's not getting enough sleep.

Really a 180 in the wrong direction for her. Don't know if it's not because things aret turning out for her or not, but it's interesting that I've heard that drastic change in appearance affecting our WAS.


"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
-Mark Twain
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Thanks guys and ISLH. Yes I am hurt and I am full of hate right now. Need to get back on track. I am above that. Anger has its place but resentment does not. Staying distant is different from treating her with distain when we do need to communuicate.

She knows my buttons too well. The emotional tide comes and goes. The trial continues. I will see it through with Strength and Honor.


Jeff

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Jeff223 #1063906 05/22/07 05:52 PM
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I wanted to re-post this here for future reference.

Originally Posted By: always_14
Nicola, your thread, as usual, spawns great insight to what many of us are starting to focus upon....what is a healthy R?

You and your H have different versions, standards and expectations of M, R and mutual growth.

Your H cannot give you what you need in a R/M. You can either lower your standards and be unhappy, unfulfilled and low self-esteem.....or find that within and perhaps in someone else again.

I definately feel for your thoughts of "will I find love again." I went through that early this year, and even expressed those feelings to H. I told him my greatest fear was that I could not love like I loved him.

Since then, I have let that go without even trying. I see now that I loved H, very much, but I think that I can do that again. And, perhaps with someone more healthy, compatible, and find a deeper love....more than the superficial, passionate, crazy love. It was deep in areas, but when tough times came, here I am.


Jeff

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Ironically, my ex did the same weight loss thing at bomb time and now has gained it back and more and seems even more crabby than before. While I on the other hand was overweight at bomb time but in the months following due to poor cooking and lack of appetite dropped about 30 pounds, have since gained back 10 and stabilized, at my best physique since pre-marriage 24 yrs ago.

It does make a person smile. \:\) RonJon


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Jeff223 #1066873 05/24/07 01:12 AM
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That was a great post from Always, wasn't it? It really helped me to put things into perspective also.

Jeff, there are times that you will feel angry, times that you will feel resentful, times that you will feel forgiving, times that you will feel love. These are just feelings, and so are transient. They will come and go, like the tide. When it's high tide for one of those bad feelings, it seems like the tide will never go out again--but it will.

Do what you can to let go of the bad feelings, if only b/c they hurt you more than they hurt stbx, but then accept what remains for what it is - a sign of your humanity.

~ Nicola


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N.U.T.S.......you know what that means Jeff.

Anger, OK. Process it. Feel it. Stay in control.
Resent, no.
I am doing as you, proceeding with my changes and preparing for something new in my future.

Make it so.

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
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Quote:
how many M could be saved if we all didn't let pride get in the way.


I am not sure how much of it is pride vs fear of ending up in the same place again. I feel we all have tried so many times even before the final bomb dropped. So how do we know the next time is just not yet another time.

Jeff, process your anger and move on. Holding on to it will just hurt you in the long run. You don't have to be happy for her, just detached. \:\)

Neli


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Both: 33
Together 13y; Married 8y
Kids: DD8 and DS5
Separated: 08/31/06
D Filed: 2/21/07

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neli #1073369 05/29/07 04:48 PM
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Almost time for a new thread. Nothing new to report, just posting.

Anger is gone. Took off Friday and went to a nearby lake. It was nice; good thinking spot. Only a handful of people there fishing (or trying too - no one was catching anything).

Time to fully accept my M is over and that I need to be a real man and work the D to closure. A real man does not hate so I choose not to hate her any longer. A real man does not deny reality. A real man moves foward always.

I still feel a touch of frustration for what might have been and a touch of fear about starting new (and dating!!) at my point in life.

Also I am sad for me and the kids but there is nothing I can do but damage control by being the best man I can.

So back to feeling strong. Planning our vacation for mid next month. Kids want to return to the Smoky Mts in Tenn again - sounds good to me.

Strength and Honor.


Jeff

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