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Jeff223 #1046169 05/09/07 02:12 PM
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Jeff, are you sliding? on the down side of the teeter? I feel the same feeling this week.

I wouldn't say you are quitting, maybe it is a bad reality. If it were me I would not be as ready to just accept the tradition of mom/courts slaughtering dad. It may still be the south, but if I had your shoes on I would keep looking for a better way. Part of my personality flaw of not giving up.

I had a halfa$$ed job offer in Arkansas. I think I'll take it and then in southern court I should get the world on a silver platter from H right? Life would be good, all my problems solved.


Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW #1047457 05/10/07 02:28 AM
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Any way she would agree for you to have every other Monday night after her weekend? This way you don't go a whole week without seeing the kids. I would definitely ask for that. I would ask the judge for that, because it is not fair to the kids not to see you for the whole week.

Neli


*******************************
Both: 33
Together 13y; Married 8y
Kids: DD8 and DS5
Separated: 08/31/06
D Filed: 2/21/07

my current story
WCW #1047511 05/10/07 03:11 AM
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Hello Jeff - I have been reading the latest and I really feel bad for you. I often wonder why feminists claim America is a patriarcal society. Still I know from reading these boards that there are a lot of good women out there, real sweathearts who are also being screwed over by oblivious spouses in the throws of mid-life crisis or some other self centered neurosis. Utimately gender doesn't really matter in these situations - unless it pertains to issues of child visitation and shared parenting rights. Then the courts seem to bend bass-ackwards in favor of the Mom. You're right, it does suck and it sounds to me like you have tokened the odds and ultimately nothing would be impacted except for the hit on your wallet from legal fees. I only hope your W comes to her senses at some point in time and realizes, like we do, that you are a fine and responsible father (and remain a responsible husband). You are a man of honor and the fine folks who support you on this thread (with the possible exception of myself) are also honorable. Life can be unfair and at times cruel but you have shown you can handle it and move on with grace and dignity. I do realize how much you would like to get this over with but that's our court system for you. It's still better than Sh'ria law although as a guy I sometimes fantasize about what it would be like to live under it. I pity the poor wife who did not make falafal to my exacting specifications. I hope the rest of this week goes better for you. Any plans to forget about this for a while and enjoy yourself?


John S.
neli #1049439 05/11/07 01:43 PM
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Bless your heart neli. You don't think it is right that a dad not see his kids for a whole week? I could kiss you.

I suggested a revised schedule to stbx. The answer was NO! See you in court. And the judge is not likely to change the "standard" schedule.

So it goes. Thanks for the support neli.


Jeff

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JohnS58 #1049440 05/11/07 01:44 PM
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Thanks for sticking with me John. It means so much.


Jeff

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Jeff223 #1049458 05/11/07 01:57 PM
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Hey all. Today, 11 May, is my one year anniversary of being in my apartment. I originally signed a six month lease. It appears I will not be leaving here any time soon. \:\(

Hey Paul (TNP), if you are still with me remember we moved out about the same time and you said it would take four months and I said six??? LOL.

I have given up talking to stbx. I know, bad on my part but that is how I feel.

About the settlement: I emailed her I saw no reason to meet with her about it and that we leave it to the lawyers. She wrote back that she "understood" and that she was "sorry". I intend to write back that no bit*h, you do not understand nor are you sorry. If you were you would work toward a fair settlement and you would be moving out of the house you don't intend to keep. Instead her only desire is to inflict maximum pain.

Okay I will leave the B-word out.

Yes WCW, I am sliding. I so want this just to end. But more punishment is due; perhaps I earned it.

Strength and Honor.


Jeff

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Jeff223 #1050034 05/11/07 08:34 PM
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Quote:
But more punishment is due; perhaps I earned it.
blah blah blah, knock it off Jeff. Yes I can say that, because you tell me the same thing when I get negative about myself. \:o

I don't know how you stay in that apartment. I really don't. As much work and grief as it is for me to even attempt to keep up with my place, it is what keeps me sane too.

When I sink, I go back to basics, back to the land. What are you doing Jeff? Here's my sermon again...are you getting out? are you staying busy? physical and active and getting tired so you sleep good? Did you look up some local groups to join that have your favorite interests?

Pardon me for forgetting, but is mediation an option with W? She must be aware of Alabama courts and figures she's better off letting it go to court where she is sure to have the upper hand. But Jeff, what is her motivation behind dragging her feet? For a woman who wants to be rid of you, why not help the system?

(((Jeff)))
Chin up.


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Riding the trail less traveled.
Jeff223 #1050539 05/12/07 08:58 AM
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Hey Jeff,

Sorry to hear what been going on, some closure would be nice. Luckily for me my w has not brought up the d word, unluckily that only means this sit. is ongoing. W seems to think she doesn't need a d. We can d when one of us finds someone the want to marry. She personally doesn't plan on remarrying again.

This could change anytime though.

No real advise for you except to keep standing up for your kids and yourself. You have probably come to the same conclusion as I have. I do not need to have my w in my life. I have lived happily without her before I met her and I have had happy times without her during this sit.

I have to admit I still think of her and the sit. daily.
But given that she is having om round regularly on weekends lately has made me go dark for my own sanity.

Am tempted to file myself so as to force the settlement, something that will not be instigated by her I believe.

My strategy now is to just get on with my life. Be the best dad I can. Let w come to me. Sometimes I think the mlc stuff is wishful thinking on my part and w is gone for good. Other times I think it's her mlc and I'm just a silent, enabling witness to it.

Will add latest going on to my thread over the weekend..

Take care of yourself and your family.

TNP #1050838 05/12/07 05:37 PM
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Jeff -

There's something I'm still not getting here, and I think your laws must be different. In Quebec (not sure about rest of Canada), custody is based solely on how much time a parent spends with the kids. Thus, I will have sole custody b/c I will have them more than 70% of the time. However, that means absolutely nothing in reality, in terms of decision-making (parental authority). I cannot even move away w/o their father's permission.

Are custody and parental authority the same thing in AL?

40/60 is really not bad. Realistically, if you are working, it's not much different than 50/50.

As for your email to her, you're not really going to send it are you? What's the point? It won't help your case. I always find that when I do stuff like that, I feel better in the moment, but worse afterwards b/c I've lowered myself to where my stbx is.

Take care, friend,
Nicola


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Nic,
No, there is a difference. We have four categories, pick one from the first two and one from the second two:

Sole physical custody.
Joint physical custody.

Sole legal custody.
Joint legal custody.

If that is not complex enough, joint physical custody does not necessarily mean 50 - 50. We can still have 40/60 and it can still be classified as "joint". What that means is anyone's guess.

Sole legal means one parent makes all the decisions. Unless it is spelled out otherwise, the parent with sole custody can do just about anything, even move away.

Joint legal means both parents have "equal" rights in all decisions. BUT, unless you have a parenting plan of some sort, the court can and usually does appoint one parent with the final say if there is not agreement and that is usually the mother. So we can have joint legal and physical custody in words while in effect the court can give the mom final decision authority and more time with the kids - effectively making things sole custody.

The policy of AL states that joint legal and physical custody is preferred but it goes on to say that the court only need "consider" it - the court can "award any form of custody which is determined to be in the best interest of the child".

As you can see the law leaves a lot of room for the court. That is good b/c there is hope for the dad but in reality the law is written one way but in practice it is executed in another.

It is bad b/c mothers enjoy a clear preference here. As a practical matter, a father wishing to establish custody over the objections of the mother almost has to prove she's done something wrong in her parenting.

My email to her: I will send some form of it. But you are correct to point out it will do little good. But telling her how I feel is never wrong as long as I don't attack her. If I attack - that will be down at her level. She does not have the guts to tell me how she feels - I get only her anger.

I hope you get out of your bad news period soon. We have to hit bottom many times before we can finally get clear of the pit.


Jeff

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