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lostlove #1025879 04/24/07 05:01 PM
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LL,

It sounds like you could use some IC to figure out what you want. You seem very afraid of being wrong -- wrong about trying to reconcile in the first place, wrong about taking real steps now to change your sitch, wrong about doing nothing to change your sitch.

I think I can help. No matter WHAT you do, it will be "wrong" in some ways and "right" in other ways. So, you will be wrong about some things. So what. Everyone is. Accept it. You will also be right about some things. But, you can never be perfect. All lives have regrets. Not living life because of fear of regret is itself a big regret.

I'm not sure why you are so worried about being a WAS. They are not evil people, after all. Indeed, most people here want someone who is a WAS as their spouse.

A WAS leaves because (1) the M has become intolerable, (2) the WAS feels she has done all she can, and (3) the WAS finally decides to take steps to find a happy life.

The three things a WAS might do better that would help everyone involved would be to:

(1) Before dropping the bomb, give fair warning -- very explicitly and directly tell the spouse that the M is in very deep trouble and that the status quo will result in the WAS leaving.

(2) Keep an open mind after leaving rather than adopting the view that whatever happens, it will be too little too late.

(3) GAL without getting into a rebound R for the first six months after leaving.

Now, it seems to me that a WAS who follows 1-3 IS leaving a great deal of space for an M to be saved.

What if your M needs that kind of huge wake up call to be saved? What if your M can't be saved? What if your M will only be saved by suffering another year of emptiness silently? What if aliens come and take over H making him an altogether better H? What if H drops the bomb again and leaves without warning? What if....

blah blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah

Unless you can get a good deal on a crystal ball, quit trying to base your current actions on how things will turn out to be in the future and other things you can't know. You can't. It is a pointless, mindnumbing, life squelching exercise.

Go see a L and figure out what your options are. For F's sake, take SOME action.


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Oldtimer
oldtimer #1025974 04/24/07 05:35 PM
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ya know oldtimer,

You're right. I'm afraid, I'm confused and I've got a serious case of the what if's. I've been avoiding facing reality. Trouble is I wont be able to stick to step 2 and will therefore be a big bad waw. I've gone through enough time with h to know that it's not about too little too late it's about this wont last, never has, it's just enough to satiate and make me change my mind. So, when I go I'll be gone. Why do I feel like I should be absolutely certain but also know that I'll never be absolutely certain about what I should do. I just know that I cannot do it this way anymore. I have found myself falling in and out of depressions since h's return. I'm thinking the anxiety I felt while he was gone would be better than the depressions I go through now.

still ugh! but almost ready to open my eyes,

LL

lostlove #1025991 04/24/07 05:44 PM
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LL,

Seriously, why not try some IC again combined with seeing an L? Maybe some antidepressants are in order? I don't think that the problem in your M is your depression, but, it may be getting in the way of you making important and meaningful changes, whatever those changes may need to be to find a good life.

See what your options are, figure out what you want, get a plan, take some action.

Hugs.


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oldtimer #1026033 04/24/07 05:59 PM
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I don't want to go back to the same c again. I've convinced him that the m isn't salvagable. I don't want to take medication I'd rather start excersizing again and doing the things I once enjoyed like cooking and cleaning (not that I don't do that now I just don't do it as well as I used to, I'm distracted)
I don't think my depressions are a problem in the m I think the m is a problem causing the depressions. On some level I KNOW that this m is not ever going to be anything more than a staus quo with occassional crumbs of promise that things could be better. But of course I feel like claiming the m is the cause of my depressions is just going to be misconstrued as mlc or blame or all the other negative conotations that get thrown at was.

While h was gone so many people complimented me on how strong I was...my house was spotless the kids were cared for, I didn't sit in bed or on the couch pouting. I recall going to a wedding toward the end and people actually asking me if I was on medication or something because while they looked at me and thought of the sit they were upset (almost teary) and I was happy and having a good time (this was a wedding for h's side to boot) Other people thought I was strong for taking him back that they wouldn't be able to do it. Now I just feel weak. I feel like a hampster just running around on the foolish wheel in it's cage getting no where with little more to look forward to than the occassional outing in the plastic ball that allows it to run around the house but still getting no where.

LL

lostlove #1026327 04/24/07 08:48 PM
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LL,

WHO CARES what other people think? I KNOW you don't want to run your life based on what will look good to others.

I think you are most afraid of your own judgment against yourself. Maybe it is time to gain a little compassion for the WASs. They aren't evil. They aren't stupid. They simply are unwilling to live in an M that doesn't work for them. Some are right about whether it can ever work for them, some are wrong. And yes, maybe it means admitting that your H wasn't totally evil when he left.

Like I said, I don't think depression is the problem in your M either. But, like I said, it is probably clouding your judgment and keeping you stuck.

When I was whining and moping and wanted something from the store one snowy day when XH had the car, you told me to get off my a$$ and walk to the store. I did. It changed my day, it changed my outlook.

LL, get off your a$$ and get some exercise.

Get off your a$$ and go do something fun solely for you.

Get off your a$$ and get to a L.

Quit living your life in a certain way by blinding yourself to other options. You may or may not take the options you find, but you need them to live a free life.

Get off your a$$ and walk to the store.

(((((LL)))))


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oldtimer #1027073 04/25/07 01:12 PM
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BTW, you can always see a new C...


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oldtimer #1027863 04/25/07 06:20 PM
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LL,

How are you today? WE know you are great, don't you go forgetting how wonderful you are :-)


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oldtimer #1028174 04/25/07 08:18 PM
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Hey Oldtimer,

I forgot how nice it was to have people who really understand thinking of me. Today I'm better but still not great. I'm questioning myself as I probably alwasy will but kept my spirits up. I started working for one of those in home direct sales companies about 7 months ago. I have a show to do tonight so that's always something to look forward to. I like to get dressed nice and meet new people...making money in the process is just a bonus.

last night as usual h came home from work...went and took a shower..joined me and the kids who had already started eating (don't give me the wait for him it doesn't work we never know what time he'll get in) finished put his plate in the sink...sat on the deck and fixed sons fishing rod and then retreated to the basement where he fell asleep until I put the kids to bed, did the dishes, folded another load of laundry, cleaned up the family room and then went down. He then sat up and went up to bed. Last night I had a hard time falling asleep with him next to me. I can honestly say that while he was gone I got used to having the bed to myself and now prefer it that way.

I've decided I'm going to buy myself a new pair of roller blades (in-line skates) and go when the weathers nice and the kids are in school. I'll have to find a bike rack for my car so that when the summer hits I can bring them with me. Time to start living the life I want instead of dwelling in the fact that I can't have the m I want while I'm married to h. I did do these things before but stopped because it just all seemed pointless...no matter how good my life was or how happy I was everywhere else with everything else my m just stayed crappy.

If I do go back to c it will have to be a new one. I do have a few names/numbers but again there will be the day that I'm ready and will call.

I hope you realize how much your posts are appreciated. A lot of people have given up on me or just left the board since it's been so long now. I'm confident that someday things will be better I've just got to figure out exactly what that will look like and start getting me and my kids there...if h follows along good if not well then I'll take care of that. Does that mean I'm going to spend another 5 years in a crappy m? NO, it means the clock is ticking...I've realized I can't live this way and I'm going to change what I can if the m doesn't change because of it then it will formally end since it will have already emotionally ended.

it sure would be nice if h were willing to have a real heart to heart with some solutions or ideas but that just doesn't seem to be in the card and I have to step up to the plate and take charge of my life.

am I insane or what!?

LL

lostlove #1028225 04/25/07 08:38 PM
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LL,

I'm so glad you decided to get off your A$$ and walk to the store \:D Feels good, doesn't it?

You wrote: "I've just got to figure out exactly what that will look like and start getting me and my kids there...if h follows along good if not well then I'll take care of that."

This is the most hopeful, empowered, helpful thing I have heard you say in a very long time. And, by far the best for YOU, YOUR KIDS, and YOUR R, whether that R turns out to be H and W or merely co-parents.

You are moving now \:\) Progress is coming, one way or another.

"I have to step up to the plate and take charge of my life."

That, my dear, is what you have already started to do. I see it, I really do. \:D

And no, you aren't insane, you are merely strong enough to have an open heart even as you risk changes that may end your M for the sake of all involved. (And you said you couldn't do it, you already *are.*)

I'm so happy you have found your hope. Not too hard once you make it for yourself ;\)

!!!!(((((LL)))))!!!!


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oldtimer #1029161 04/26/07 03:02 PM
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Hey LL,

Good Morning!

When was the last time you took a walk on the beach? It looks like a great day for it. And, if you take a sweater, a blanket, a book, and a snack, you could have your own private beach party. Then celebrate it by buying a hokie beach souvenir or t-shirt.

Go on, the laundry can wait... You could do the whole thing in a few hours. Well?? \:\)


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Oldtimer
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