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Jeff223 #1022653 04/21/07 05:01 PM
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BBA,
Late in the day or not, you can always make someone laugh. Jeff, an antique? Antiques are priceless and so is Jeff.. ;\)

Jeff,
Glad to hear your son's cast is off. He'll be able to enjoy playing again.

I think you are right when you say that the WAS wants to be "friends" to lessen their guilt for hurting us. No matter what the reason though, you are a much different and wiser man than you were when this all started. Your W will notice but whether she ever decides to come back is up to her just as it is up to you to move on with your life.

You sound well and I do believe we all reach a point where we finally decide it is time to live again, with or without our WAS.

I think this calls for a celebration for those of us who have made it this far and have seen the reason to live again. So, who's hosting the party?

Make it a great weekend.

ISLH
Thread #7


Me: 49 - S22 & S26
H: 41 - No kids
M: 10/00
Bomb New Year's Day 2006
H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07
D final 07/07
Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
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I don't know about a party but this "antique" is ready!

But first this:

I went to pick up my kids for the weekend. W asked to talk to me. She said something as happened to D6 since Easter - she is quite upset and emotional.

W: Did anything happen at Easter?
Me: No, we had dinner with my mom.
W: D6 was crying on the phone when I talked to her on Easter evening - I thought something happened. Did you hear her crying?
M: Yes, but I assumed she missed you.
W: Well I asked her about it. She started to mention Michael's dad but did not say more (Michael is a boy my son's age who lives in my apartment complex). Has the dad been alone with D6?
M: No, never. S9 is always with her and they spent very little time at Michael's place.
W: Something happened at Easter. You never know about people if alone with a young girl.
M: Well nothing happened at Easter since Michael moved three weeks prior and was not here. Only my mom was here.
W: I am sure your mom would not say anything but something upset D6. She is so distrubed about our separation all of a sudden.

Okay, before our talk went further south, I stepped in. She was crossing a boundry and I let her know it.

M: Wait one minute here. What the hell do you think is going on here? Nothing happened at my place and I am not going to let you pull some guilt trip on me. D6 is upset b/c she wants her family to be together. She cried b/c she missed you and she is acting strange b/c she is finally realizing that we are not getting back together. This is not my fault, this is what D is all about and this D is not my idea.

I walked out. How dare she imply that D6 is feeling pain and it is my fault, or the guy next store, or my mom! Everyone but her.

I was loading the truck and she came out and said she was "sorry I mentioned it, I was just trying to share, I should not have said anything, I thought you wanted me to talk". Then she cried.

M: Like I said W, I will not be subjected to any guilt trip. What do you think D is all about? This is hurting the kids and it is not my idea. S9 is hurt also but since he is older he is keeping it mostly inside.
W: S9 is not hurt. I have not noticed anything.
M: No, you would not.
W: I was not implying anything about Easter.
M: Yes you were and I will not take that. You implied the same when S9 broke his finger - like I was not taking care. I take very good care of the kids when they are with me (okay I was being defensive here). It is the D, not me. And I am not responsible for the D.
W: I know you take good care of the kids.
M: Yes, they have it better than most kids - at least their dad is here for them. Some have no dad (that is what D6 was referencing: Michael had a full time dad) and I intend to use my 40% time with them to the max. I will not walk away and abandon the kids the way your BIL did.

We sort of changed the topic after that, although I did suggest the kids may need IC. Suprisingly, she agreed. They are not the only one who needs to be checked.

I am so done with this woman. Was this good DB? Who cares - she crossed a line with that big toe and I hit it good.

You know, when I loaded the truck and drove off the anger left completely. We went to Chucky Chesse for pizza and games for three hours. Great fun.

I am so done with this woman.


Jeff

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Jeff223 #1022794 04/21/07 09:45 PM
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Excellent stuff Jeff - I fully believe in setting boundaries and you've done a fine job there.
I assume over this you didn't raise your voice at all, that you were calm and even all through it.
GOOD for you - your W will have to realise the consequences of her actions. Yes she wants a D, that's fine, she's getting it, but you have to live with your choices. For example - I want to be slim. I can lok at my chubby tummy and say it's not fair BUT it's a consequence of me putting too much beer and pizza into it. It's like me saying "I have a slow metabolism". No I DON'T, that's just me not facing the fact I've eaten too much. Same with your W. D is never pretty, but she felt she needed it so she will have to live with those consequences. I want pizza (I'm having some in a moment) but I will accept it will mean a few hours in the gym to work it off. Your W wants the D, she will have to accept it may mean some C sessions for the kids. ARGH!!! If I could speak to her I'd take her by the shoulders and say "YOU WANTED THIS _ YOU DEAL WITH IT!!!"

Sorry - i know I'm ranting a bit and my getting fat/kids needing C is a bad analogy, I don't mean AT ALL to make light of this situation, and I am VERY sorry to hear your D6 is upset. I know you will do everything in your power to make her smile and I hope your W will rise to the challenge as well.

So - no, not bad DB'ing at all in my opinion. Once again I rise from my chair to give you a round of applause.


Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05
Seperated Sept/Oct 05
Oct 06 - H recomitted
July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Jeff223 #1022852 04/21/07 11:38 PM
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Hey, Boo, she knows exactly what is up with your daughter. She's acting like puffy, blaming it on everything in the universe except the situation of her making. It's pretty classic stuff.

How can any parent face that their selfishness is causing their child pain?

They can't, therefore, they create a whole variety of excuses and project a whole bunch of blame.

You nipped in the bud, Barney, good for you...

besos,
BA

P.S. Chucky Cheese--great for what ails ya!

Last edited by BaseballAnnie; 04/21/07 11:39 PM.
Jeff223 #1023352 04/22/07 08:42 PM
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Hey Jeff,

I'm sorry to hear about D6 and I agree that just becuz S9 doesn't express his feelings, doesn't mean he's not hurting as well. You were absolutely right in stepping in and making your W see the reality of her actions. How dare she blame you or your Mom but then again, nothing is her fault. I just don't get it.

I am also glad that you both agree on taking the kids to IC. This may just be the wake up call your W needs, if not, at least, the kids will get some help in dealing with this. If you and your W can't live together, at least be the best co-parents for your kids. This would be a step in the right direction regardless if you get back together or not.

Being a dad for 100% of the 40% of the time you have them is more than anyone can ask for. You ARE a wonderful dad and don't let her ever cross that line.

Hugs,

Thread #7


Me: 49 - S22 & S26
H: 41 - No kids
M: 10/00
Bomb New Year's Day 2006
H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07
D final 07/07
Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
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Thanks ladies. I guess I needed a little validation. I try to use the "don't disagree, validate, and verbal judo" techniques to disarm, find some agreement and listen when someone is challenging me, but this was too much.

No ISLH, she did not agree to IC for the kids. She agreed that they *may* need it. I think when she thinks it through she will decide there is nothing wrong after all and IC is not needed. In her mind the kids are reacting to the separation *suddenly* so it MUST be that they are being mistreated (even molested???) when with me or *something* is going on when with me. She will never face the possibility that their reactions are due to finally realizing I am not coming home (and they have asked her and she told them no I was not - I don't know what else she tells them). In her mind the kids are perfectly fine with the D, never mind the overwhelming published evidence to the contrary.

I saw W at my son's baseball game yesterday. She sort of apologized for bringing up the stuff about the kids and she tried to make small talk but I was in no mood. She finally went to visit with her divorced friend whose son was also playing. I sat away from them during the game. After the game my W again tried to engage in some conversation but I was distant - I just did not care. This goes against what I want so I feel a bit low about it. I did compliment her on her clothes at one point but that felt so phoney.

Exciting game. Our team was down 10-5 in the last inning. Eight runs later we won 13-10! Great game but my son was 0 for 3 - three strikeouts. He was down to say the least. My W went out of her way to point out that S9 would feel down - like I would not realize it. I just shook my head - no anger.

But I do wish I were more detached.


Jeff

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Jeff223 #1025373 04/24/07 11:53 AM
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Whatcha think about this??

April 24, 2007:
Sagittarius

Love and romance take top priority with you today, dear Sagittarius. You might be feeling a little insecure about the stability of your current relationship, but you're wasting your energy. For now at least, things look very promising for you and your current lover; you should be communicating well and getting along great. Use your intuition to tune into your friend's mind, and you'll probably feel your doubts and uncertainties slipping away. Enjoy your day.

Jeff223 #1027991 04/25/07 07:06 PM
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Jeff, you've explained that your W has always been overprotective of the kids, considered them *her* territory and left you out. She can't do that now, she has to by law share them with you. I wonder if she considers it that way. When son gets hurt or daughter is crying it is always harder to deal with over the phone than it is in person. You know, when the phone rings in the middle of the night and you dread answering it because it will not be good news? I am saying this to offer a reason for W reacting how she did, and then once the initial reaction wore off she even apologized to you. She reacted, you reacted to her reaction and set your boundaries, and she reacted to your boundary. It sounds like a good step of growth for both of you.
You do hug your kids and offer them hugs and a chance to talk with you, that's great stuff. When I read that you assumed you knew why your daughter was crying I wondered why you wouldn't just find out and hold her. It bothered me enough to ask, but does anyone else want to know?

A guy I work with is going to the Nascar race this weekend. I got to give him all my advice about traveling to AL, time, distance, and when he told me he was staying in Cullman I even advised him to pack his own beer. ;\) Felt good to sound smart. \:D


Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW #1028292 04/25/07 09:00 PM
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BA – interesting h’scope. I am in tune with my current *lover*, all three: me, myself, and I. Truth be told, that is the only adult R I think I could handle right now.

WCW: Thanks. I know it is hard on W but what pisses me off is that they somehow think they have a right to hurt us again and again and then just say “sorry”. That does not hack it any longer (I used to preach empathy here – I guess I am just pissed now).

I agree. While she admits that I am a good dad, she has not accepted the fact that I am an equal parent here and so she does react protectively. Understandable, but too bad for her – she will just have to get with the program and learn to live with the consequences of her choices. She will in fact not always be there for our kids when they get hurt or feel hurt. She will miss things in their lives. I did not write the law. D sucks – and she may be finally realizing it.

I will not rub her face in this. This is something she needs to figure out alone and accept. But I will hammer her foot if she crosses that line; that line being if she implies I am not being a responsible father b/c she could not be there for them or b/c she disagrees with a decision I made or b/c they are feeling the affects of the separation/D. That is my boundary.

I do try to be there for the kids but I also try to keep my distance and not come between them and W. S6 told me earlier in the week that she missed mom and mom told her I was not coming home. And it was the first Easter where she was not with her mom. So, while I did assume that was the reason for crying, I thought it was a safe assumption. But my W chose to believe otherwise (something was up at my place, not the fact of D) so I guess I do need to ensure I at least ask if my kids seem sad or emotional. I will be more sensitive to that. I also think my son is hurting and while I cannot be sure I do have that feeling. I am at a loss of how to really deal with that. Again I need to be there for him should he need me but I have not brought it up.


Jeff

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Jeff223 #1028961 04/26/07 12:45 PM
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Jeff, WTF with all these "love" horoscopes we keep getting??

Sagittarius for Apr 26, 2007
An opportunity to collaborate with intriguing new people could blossom into something more. Just keep in mind that love sometimes chooses unusual places to start. Keep an open mind.

I agree with you, not something I could handle right now. Not sure I would even recognize it if it hit me between the eyes. But as TMWDM was so kind to point out last week, at least I'm not sleeping alone...

<sigh>

BA

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