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Jeff223 #1014737 04/16/07 12:37 AM
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Hey Jeff
I know what you're feeling with all these mixed emotions. People say it gets easier yet here we are more than a year later and it is not any easier having to accept the end of our M but we don't have a choice. You can not hold your W back from what she feels she needs to do as she is on her own journey and needs to figure things out.

I think it's great that you are getting along better even if she doesn't make eye contact. It is hard for her to feel like this is the right thing and have to look straight in your eyes because it will tell her otherwise; same reason why my H doesn't want to see me at all.

The D decree - we'll be facing this one together. I can expect to get mine within the next 3 months. Not looking forward to going to the mailbox.

Hang tough. Continue to build a new R with your W. Continue to be the wonderful man that she'll regret losing to OW. You don't know that your family will not be back together again some day. God is working on both of you separately right now.

Strength and Honor as always.


Me: 49 - S22 & S26
H: 41 - No kids
M: 10/00
Bomb New Year's Day 2006
H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07
D final 07/07
Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
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I feel very strong today; a bit sad but very positive. I sent my W draft settlement papers yesterday. It was a hard decision. It is time.

It has been 14 months since my bomb. There is no indication that she is reconsidering her path. When we first separated I thought we would be back together in a few months at most. Her life revolved around the kids and I thought “sharing” them between households would cause her to reconsider. It did not. I showed the kids a great summer and the kids asked her when I was coming home – she told them I was not. I really thought the holidays would bring us together, but no. Not spending Christmas morning with her children? Did not matter. Her mom got sick and she needed support but still no move towards me. She went to the emergency room just before Christmas with severe reaction to stress – still no second guessing. She engaged an attorney last October. My mom got sick and she hardly showed up to support her.

Along the way I was hoping and praying and I was in pain. But along the way I went from focusing on her to focusing on me and my life. I reached the top of that hill called detachment. Now I see my situation more objectively. It is time.

I still vacillate emotionally but the swings are not as pronounced; more like a kayak in a fast moving stream with challenging rapids rather than a rollercoaster.

It takes 18 months to get to trial here so it is to my advantage to move it along now that I see my situation more objectively. There is also a liberating feeling to take charge and in fact do things for me for a change. Plus I can steer the negotiations some.

The alternative is to put my life on hold another year. It was a hard decision. It is time.

She still desires a D, she has made that clear. But she does not have the fortitude to draft up the agreements. She wants to run away. She just wants me to go away. Or is it that she really does not want the D deep down? I do not believe so; I cannot read her mind so there is doubt but her actions do not support a change in her course. She *needs* the D – she just does not want to deal with the process (even though she has a lawyer). That hurts me.

So I have decided to *push* the legal D. It is what she wants, based on ALL indications and her actions; not what I THINK she MAY be feeling as she deals with her pain and MLC elements. I am still trying to affect the emotional divorce; that is different from the legal one. All I know is to support her now as best I can. Maybe the draft settlement papers will affect her. And she will have to negotiate and process the papers so that may affect her. But I really doubt it. False hope is a poison that I do not want to take again.

I still believe that I would consider trying again if she makes any indication she is willing. But trying again becomes less attractive to me as time passes.

It is time. It was a hard decision. My sun is shining.


Jeff

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Jeff223 #1017269 04/17/07 06:29 PM
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Hey, you sound good.

Yes, you are going to have to take the lead on this, or at least get the ball rolling. Women rarely do, unless they are lawyers or have lawyers that will push them along. Back in the day, male divorce lawyers used to do that, take that retainer and off they'd go, and before a woman knew it, she was divorced. Whoosh.

Doesn't work like that any more. Malpractice carriers have gotten quite twitchy about lawyers driving the bus. The problem is most clients can't act on what they want or can't really make a decision to pull the trigger. Doesn't mean they don't want to be divorced, they just don't as you say, want to go through the process to get there.

So it falls on those of us who are strong. It is why I sit here at this desk surrounded by paperwork for things that must be resolved before The Man Who Divorced Me and I will have separate lives again.

Sucks, but doesn't this all?

Be glad you are the one with the strength. It is a blessing.

besos,
BA

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I loved the imagery of the kayak battling the rapids. You sound very positive, and maybe that's because you have taken control of your life.

Keep taking care of yourself and having fun with the children!


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe #1018518 04/18/07 02:34 PM
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BA - I wondered why our lawyers have not been too aggressive. That explains a lot. And thanks for supporting me here.

BeingMe: thanks for stopping by. Another good thing about a kayak is that you do hit calm water and you can pull off to the side of the stream, start a fire, eat, drink and enjoy life before getting on with the trip.

W reaction to my settlement papers was very positive. Not the content since she had not read them yet, but my doing this for her. She thanked me for "working so hard on them". She said she would study them and "pray over them". She hoped we could reach a settlement. I may ask her to pray for overall guidance, not just for the settlement documents.

The cast came off S9's hand yesterday. I called to talk to him and he was thrilled. Doc said he could try baseball again and see how it goes. But the doc was very positive.

I also talked to W - she was very upbeat and her voice tone was very frinedly rather than slightly defensive as it had been. She went on and on and I had to remind her that she would be late for D6's gym calss if we continued to talk. Again maybe she was grateful about the settlement papers.

She has been more open lately: telling me about her job when we sat together at the ballgame, thanking me twice for doing the taxes, and now the settlement. Good stuff, but no expectations on my part. It hurts less for me to believe she is totally detached herself rather than looking at this as 'baby steps'.

So even though she has been warming to me recently, she must follow her road. And I will support that b/c I cannot change that - her decision.

It sure is nice being out of the dumps. I am feeling better and better about the future.

Strength and Honor.


Jeff

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Jeff223 #1020783 04/19/07 10:51 PM
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Hey Jeff - just to drop in and say I'm still following along, even though I don't post much.
You sound in good sorts despite the slings and arrows.
I wish it were different for you, but as you say this is all W's decision. I still feel sorry for her, she's missing out. I guess some people just don't have what it takes (as in her I mean)

Anyhoo - just to say I still think about you, even though my posts are rare. Take care of yourself, you're a wonderful and caring guy. ((((Jeff))))


Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05
Seperated Sept/Oct 05
Oct 06 - H recomitted
July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Jen_Jam #1021419 04/20/07 03:34 PM
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Hi Jeff,

We are in a similar position here. I was also the one who ended up saying I was ready to go ahead with the D, and then setting up the mediation appt. Like you, I'm sure that my H does want a D, he just didn't want to be the one to initiate it.

His behaviour is also odd, and I would like to think that he is regretting things, but I am not letting myself go there. He and I avoid each other when he comes over for the kids; I can hardly stand to look at him. He goes around all slumped over when I'm here, but I think that's just the remnants of guilt, or it's about the kids, but not me.

He actually put a smiley in an email to me today; he has NEVER done that! Weird. I think he's just relieved that we're getting this done.

Oh well, enough about me.

Have a good day and thanks so much for all your support,
N


Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself
My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Jeff223 #1021519 04/20/07 04:41 PM
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Quote:
I still believe that I would consider trying again if she makes any indication she is willing. But trying again becomes less attractive to me as time passes.



What part about her makes you even want to consider trying again? Her self-centeredness? Her obvious caring for the kids' welfare?-NOT. How well she handled this whole divorce that she wanted?


In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
Abraham Lincoln

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.
Theodore Roosevelt

Just_Me #1021715 04/20/07 06:21 PM
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Jenny - thanks for stopping by. I really don't have much to post since I have been content of late.

Nicola - they are weird are they not? I do believe that when they are *nice* to us it is only out of their own guilt. They want to be *friends* so they don't have to admit that they hurt us so deeply.

Just_Me: You do ask the $64,000 question. I guess at this point I would only try again b/c of my kids. But that alone is not reason to remain in a loveless M. She would have to commit to change; to change those things you mention and more. That is what so many WAS refuse to do b/c in their minds they are not a fault after all. When I read threads here and see no commitment from the WAS after say a year or more I wonder why the LBS does not move on. That is why I am moving on.

Journal:
Life continues to be good. Took my mom to lunch today - she is almost completely well again. She was very alert today and she did not even need her cane. I hope her genes are in me. I was concerned about her mental sharpness so this is good to see.

After I took my mom home I was in the elevator and a very attractive older lady was talking to a friend. She mentioned her H slipped and fell and he is in bed. She mentioned that she had to take care of him and go to the dining room to get his food and bring it to him. At the end she said "but I do not mind; he is worth it"

For better or worse.

Would my stbxW say that? No. Would she now stand by me if I were hurt? No. In fact, she is the one hurting me and my kids. Others reasons you are right Just_Me.

Strength and Honor.


Jeff

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Jeff223 #1022283 04/21/07 01:29 AM
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Little late in the day, but...

Sagittarius

Today your strong sense of nostalgia likely has you leaning toward all things old. If you spend the day furniture shopping, you will be drawn to antique shops rather than contemporary furniture stores. There is something about the patina that only comes with age. This applies to people as well as wooden objects, which may explain why you tend to prefer to be with people who are older than you.

Hey, you're older than me aren't you??

Do you consider yourself an antique?

besos,
BA

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