If you haven't already read it, I strongly suggest the book "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler. When I was tearing my hair out trying to understand the "games" my ex played with me, I found this book very insightful and a great comfort. At least I knew that it wasn't all in my head. It pains me to see you so tormented after this long, but I think this book will shed some light on why.
why is it that after six years of this nightmare it's still not over?
Is piecing really supposed to be like this? Am I even piecing? Why do I feel like I'm simply exsisting here?
Why is it the holiday season a time when couples are supposed to re-connect, cuddle by the fire, spend quality time together am I left alone?
Why did my h choose to spend the weekend before Christmas away with my mothers bf instead of at home helping me with the kids gifts or the house or anything?
Why is it New Years weekend and my h has chosen to leave the state to watch football?
Why am I happy that tonight when I go to bed I will have the whole bed to myself for the whole night?
Why is it that h came home?
Why is it that h wants me to accept that this is just the way marriage is?
Am I ever going to reach a point where I know what to do about this relationship?
Here's an actual quote "marriage isn't about having each individuals needs met". Now I know that alone is a statement that can be read many ways...one way is very true but another is awful. Is marriage meant to be of one person going without feeling like they are loved acceptable?
I don't understand why h would choose to go out of state for New Year's weekend just to watch a football game knowing full well how I feel about it unless he is trying to tell me that he just doesn't give a rats a$$ how I feel.
Is there any justification for leaving your w and two children at home alone on New Years Eve by choice unless you really don't want to be with them?
LL, It doesn't sound like your M is Piecing to me. He sounds like he has more of a relationship to alcohol and sex addiction than the M. It sounds like you're doing some constructive things with your life. It sounds like you're really frustrated with your situation (naturally).
Are you able to identify any positives in the marriage? What are you hoping for at this point?
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Sorry to say the only positives in the m aren't really positives they are just normal things like I don't get beaten, I don't get called names, the bills are payed, the trash gets taken to the dump, the lawn gets taken care of.
What I'm hoping for at this time is for h to either sh!t or get off the pot. I don't want the resposibility of making it be over when it seems pretty clear that he doesn't want to try. He seems quite content to just have our m coast along each of us living our own lives as long as the finances stay in order and the house is kept together and the kids are cared for that's all that's important.
though after new years h and I did have a discussion...took two different nights to get him to admit that he wasn't happy with the m...the only way he would admit it was when the question was posed "would you want either of our children to grow up and have a marraige like ours" his answer was a definite NO.
so if h is not satisfied with the m then why not do something about it? why just take the "well we got married and had kids and that's the way it is" approach?
Sure, I'd rather not have my kids grow up in a divorced family but what am I supposed to do.
Oh should add that after discussing the porn thing with h several times and him either denying it, claiming it not to be a problem and my finally blocking the ability to pay per view without calling the company and giving a password (that I off course didn't tell him) it has finally stopped as has the over indulgence in nips of JB.
Now sure the removal of those two negatives warrants celebration but sadly not much else has changed.
Please quit waiting for H to save you and the M. It isn't going to happen by maintainting the status quo. It is unlikely to happen in any case.
However, if you quit waiting and insist on finding a happy life for yourself, you will succeed, whether or not H winds up coming along for the ride.
What are your options? Have you seen a L so you can make informed choices? Keeping your head in the sand for another year or two isn't going to change things. What changes do you need to make NOW to get a decent life together for yourself?
Controlling H's sexual outlet in the basement is just going to cause him to find another one elsewhere. As much as you would like to think that H is asexual, he is NOT. He dirties his undies out of the house, he watches porn on television, on the computer. His sex life is alive and kicking, you just aren't in it. Does this mean I think you should have let him continue his private parties in the basement? No. If you didn't want to tolerate that in your own home, you shouldn't have to. But, what exactly couldn't you tolerate? The use of porn? Or the fact that he was enjoying his sex life solo? Even when you DO have sex now, you have admitted that you don't feel a part of it.
Take ownership for your life and choices. Get your *ss in gear and get a happy life so that you and your children have a decent next decade. Don't worry about winding up alone. You are already worse than alone. You KNOW you can have a great future. Why are you afraid of upsetting the applecart when the apples in it aren't even good for pie?
To comment on a couple of your questions from December:
"why is it that after six years of this nightmare it's still not over?" Because you choose to accept your M. You choose to continue to play your part in the nightmare.
"Is piecing really supposed to be like this?" Easy one -- No.
"Am I even piecing?" No. There is no collaboration in your M to find a healthy, vibrant, loving R with someone you are committed to spending the rest of your life with.
" Why do I feel like I'm simply exsisting here?" My guess -- because you do not love your husband, you do not think he is a man you could ever love or respect, and you are afraid to admit that. Numb acceptance of the status quo is the most you can manage without facing the truth and making choices appropriate to it.
It is time for you to do something VERY different. GET A LIFE. No, this doesn't mean more dinners out with friends and extra volunteering. It means you need to GET A LIFE THAT YOU WANT TO LEAD. GET A LIFE that is good to you and good for you.
GET UNSTUCK. FIND HAPPINESS. MAKE YOUR OWN LIFE A GOOD ONE FOR YOURSELF.
Find a C and figure out what you really want. Then make it happen.
Your right I don't love this man. Trouble is I find myself wondering...do I not love him because I never did or do I not love him as a result of years of a crappy relationship. Are my feelings now any different than his were or like all the other W.A.S's of people here? Are my feelings just and true or am I rewritting history and viewing everyting through muddy glasses? Am I feeling this way simply because I haven't let go of what he did or am reverting to what he did because he hasn't worked toward making the m better he's simply come home.
I know I can't fix this m alone...I tried doing that for years before any of this happend. I even continued to try after the bomb, s and ow but now I just don't feel like trying anymore. It has been almost 5 years since h's supposed return to the m. When he first returned home there were just 5 things that I asked for...1. drop ow as a customer 2. go to c together 3. date night once a week (didn't even have to leave the house just had to spend qt together not just sitting in front of a tv 4. renew our vows 5. h to start moving his business closer to home
here's how that's all worked out
1. Ow is no longer a customer but that took almost a year and it was her doing not his...her d went through and she no longer had the money to pay my h.
2. we only went to c together twice and that was after I had finally called a lawyer myself and told him I'd had enough..so he agreed to go but it was a waist of time just a little satiating on his part to keep me from going to a lawyer and filing myself.
3. date night? h either can't or wont and has no legitimate excuse for it.
4. regarding renewing our vows...h's thought was that I just wanted the drama of it all (I never said I wanted a second wedding heck I would have been content to just ask the priest at church to re-bless our rings and our m)
5. H's business is still not near home.
H has his life and I have mine. It's not horrible but it certainly isn't a loving, supportive, healthy relationship. If we didn't have children I'd have packed my bags and taken off years ago...infact I doubt I would have let him come back home.
I'm stuck not making a move because I don't want to be wrong...what if this m can be saved? I feel like I've tried everything and I'm holding onto nothing. Am I suffering from waw syndrome but just haven't walked? If yes then I shouldn't leave or believe the m is over because it's all just my view of things. ugh! all I know is that I'm not happy in this m and it's starting to show and spill over into the rest of my life. I feel like I'm constantly hiding my dissatisfaction. I've been trying to just be happy with my own life and enjoy all that I can despite the state of my m but I'm finding it harder and harder to do.
