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A Message from Michele
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Re: Feel this is where I should be. [Re: still hoping] #1003118
04/06/07 06:18 PM
04/06/07 06:18 PM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,407
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Tiara Boy (CM) Offline
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Tiara Boy (CM)  Offline
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LoN-

I'm sorry you are here and SH is helping you rather well. There are a few things I would love to touch on though.

1. Let her be. In every way, shape and form let her go. This requires amazing amounts of strength, but it can be done. Try not to think about what she is doing, who she is with, where she is eating.......etc. Let her be.

2. Get out for you. Live YOUR life. Focus entirely on YOU. That's who this is about. Face your demons. Work on your issues. No matter what happens with your W, this will really help you in the long run.

When it comes to your R.... Just BE. If she calls and starts talking, then that is what she does. You have no control over her or her actions. You can only focus what you do now. Keep things light with her and let her dictate all of it.

Go read some other people's threads who have been down this road. OSU, Swashy, Mr. Highspeed, Sofaraway, Myself (formerly confused mess) ....We all started about the same time and things have progressed differently for each of us, but we all have one thing in common. We have no CONTROL!!

Keep breathing!


M-35 going on 15
D-8
S- 3 yrs
ex-CL(w)- 30

D over one year

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
Douglas Adams
"Just Be"
Re: Feel this is where I should be. [Re: still hoping] #1003203
04/06/07 07:04 PM
04/06/07 07:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
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Lost_for_now Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: still hoping
Ah, I see your point.

I guess the answer would be: DETACH

I know, I know - easier said than done. But again, like I said, maybe their initiating "being friendly" could lead to a real friendship again. When we first S, my H said that what he wanted was for us to be friends again because we had lost that in our M. So who knows - maybe if you could get that friendship back, it could lead to other things. You've got nothing to lose.


Thanks. Detachment is clearly what I need, and I know it. Just such a tough road...I'm not saying anything that people here don't know. From everything I have read here though, even though it is painful and very difficult there are no easy answers. It's just something you must get through.

I also agree with your last line; I certainly have nothing to lose.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
Re: Feel this is where I should be. [Re: Tiara Boy (CM)] #1003214
04/06/07 07:08 PM
04/06/07 07:08 PM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
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Lost_for_now Offline OP
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Lost_for_now  Offline OP
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Thank you very much for the reply.

I am now seriously considering getting the words "leave her alone" or "stop contacting her" tattooed on me so that I just stop already. Not for the relationship (which is gone and not returning) but for ME. Hard for me to move forward as I'm backsliding so much.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
Re: Feel this is where I should be. [Re: Lost_for_now] #1003223
04/06/07 07:14 PM
04/06/07 07:14 PM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,211
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mcojh Offline
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I hear you brother. You have to go forward.....for yourself. Just Do It


Me: 44
S: 17 and 7
Final-6-13-08
I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
Re: Feel this is where I should be. [Re: mcojh] #1003258
04/06/07 07:26 PM
04/06/07 07:26 PM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
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Lost_for_now Offline OP
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Thanks mcojh. No doubt, the hardest thing I have had to do.

And it ain't even close to over yet!

I know this will get easier. I am really finding myself mourning the relationship more than anything. Also the feeling that I failed my W. Like, some other man is better at making my W happy than I am. That kinda stings.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
Re: Feel this is where I should be. [Re: Lost_for_now] #1003304
04/06/07 07:41 PM
04/06/07 07:41 PM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,407
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Tiara Boy (CM) Offline
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Tiara Boy (CM)  Offline
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Posts: 2,407
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Don't worry about the backsliding. I was once known around here as the king of backsliding...just ask around \:\)

Ya know what? It doesn't matter how much backsliding you do as long as you learn from it. That is what matters.

The OM isn't better at making the W happy. Happiness comes from within and he is just a temporary fix. My W will eventually learn this also and will probably end up knocking at my door at some point and it is pretty much too late for that now. The OM is a drug. They feel the "newness" of it all. It will wear off and more than likely he is a lot like you.

You will mourn the R for quite some time. I still am, but the "episodes" don't last long at all now.


M-35 going on 15
D-8
S- 3 yrs
ex-CL(w)- 30

D over one year

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
Douglas Adams
"Just Be"
Re: Feel this is where I should be. [Re: Tiara Boy (CM)] #1003355
04/06/07 07:59 PM
04/06/07 07:59 PM
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Posts: 210
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Lost_for_now Offline OP
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Thanks again...that really helps. Don't have anything else to say really, I think you summed it up really well for me!

I would like to ask why you say it's too late for her now. How and when did you get to that point? I often wonder the same things, that's why I ask. I think to myself, "if she were to come back today and tell me she wanted to get back together, what would I say?"

I have talked to my sister about this and her reaction is always the same. "You would be CRAZY to ever take her back." To that I always reply that if you haven't been in my position it's impossible for you to say what you would do.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
Re: Feel this is where I should be. [Re: Lost_for_now] #1003423
04/06/07 08:52 PM
04/06/07 08:52 PM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,407
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Tiara Boy (CM) Offline
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Tiara Boy (CM)  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,407
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LoN- As much as you probably want to, do not listen to your family members. My family did me a great service when the just detached from my sitch and let me have my space.

That point will come when it comes. Some people take years, others take months. Don't get me wrong, I still grieve. I just know in my heart that for her to come back she would have to commit to at least a year of work on HERSELF before we started working on us. Today, she hasn't made the effort to do that, so for today I move on. It is all about one day at a time.

I knew when she asked me at one point whether or not I saw a chance for us working things out and from my gut I answered NO immediately. I then left her apt and cried my eyes out. Partly out of shock and partly b/c I just knew.

It is painful and I grieve the good times now. But it only makes me stronger.

If your family continues to voice their opinion you might want to stand up to them and just tell them nicely.... "I thank you for your concern, but this needs to be my decision and right now I am in no place to make that decision and I just need time to figure things out."

You will be ok.... Just keep it simple!


M-35 going on 15
D-8
S- 3 yrs
ex-CL(w)- 30

D over one year

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
Douglas Adams
"Just Be"
Re: Feel this is where I should be. [Re: Tiara Boy (CM)] #1003436
04/06/07 09:09 PM
04/06/07 09:09 PM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
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Lost_for_now Offline OP
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Posts: 210
You made another point that I thought of the other day and makes me so sad. I thought that I am doing all of this work and I am making myself a better person; I am such a different person now than when she walked out.

And then I thought...I wonder if she's done anything to change the person she was when she left? She may have, and might still have decided that she didn't want to be with me. Who knows. I can't wear myself down trying to figure that kind of stuff out. I have enough trouble trying to make myself better.

You are a much stronger person than I am. If my W asked me today if I thought there was a chance of working things out I would say YES! It would be followed by a list of things that I think need to happen but I could not shut the door. Not today anyway.

I am sorry for your situation. You sound good though, and as I like to say to people here I hope to one day get to where you are now!

Interesting take on allowing family into the mix. I agree, and think that sometimes it's overbearing and not necessarily what might be best at the time. Still, they only want to help because they love you and don't like to see you hurt. Nonetheless, I think I agree with you. I DO need to get through this on my own, in my own timeframe.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
Re: Feel this is where I should be. [Re: Lost_for_now] #1003679
04/07/07 02:39 AM
04/07/07 02:39 AM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
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Lost_for_now Offline OP
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Lost_for_now  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
Night time is some of the hardest time for me to get through. It is when I find myself alone and thinking about her the most. This should really be my clue to make sure that I am busy during these times so that it is easier.

Sometimes I just want to think about her, even though I know it will hurt. I guess this is part of the process of getting through it.

I am fighting really hard to not email herright now. Actually what I really want to do is call her but what a complete mess that would be. Man, if it didn't hurt so much I would almost laugh at what a terrible idea calling her would be.

She has been away for six months and I really get down on myself because I feel like I should be so much farther along in this process. We were only married for 14 months when she walked out, I shouldn't be this pathetic!

How in the world does someone throw in the towel after 14 months?

I have another bad habit which is to go over old emails between us. I have looked back at emails she had sent me a week before she walked out. They were perfectly normal, even was sure to end each one with 'I love you'

A day before she dropped the bomb she couldn't eat and her stomach was bothering her. I figure she felt this incredible need to drop the bomb and it was affecting her physical health. I obviously never put two and two together.

I feel lucky to have a place like this where I can just come and unload all of this junk.

She gets home tomorrow from her business trip and I will not hear from her. I am pretty sure OM will though.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
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