I know you are hurting really bad, but you can not become an addict over this. This will cause you to really lose your H. Lin has stressed to you the dangers of these medications, have you looked up the side effects on your own yet? Let me tell you something, doctors DO NOT know everything. They do not have all the information stored in their memory banks. Sometimes they overlook things. You need to talk to your pharmacist and do reasearch on your own. You have to find alternatives.
Seven years ago when I went through this, I did it on my own with two kids work and going to college. It is har really hard but I just don't think the medicaine is helping you. If it were you would not be having all these bad bouts. I think you should try not taking anything for a week and see how many huge setbacks you would have. However, at this point you will probably experience withdrawal.
Are you seeing a general doctor or a psychologist? I think it is time for a psychologist who deals specifically with mind altering drugs.
My father had a stroke last year beause the doctors failed to read the medicines warnings. The warning was "do not give to patients with history of strokes or heart problems." No one at that stupid hospital read that warning. It was the main warning and now my dad can't talk to us. He can not use his right arm. He was bed ridden for six weeks and could not walk.
I do not want to make you upset but I want you to really think about these pills they have given you. Maybe its time for a ne doctor. I do not think the doctor has your best interest in mind right now.
When I was depressed over my sitch with my then boyfriend now husband seven years ago I was a mess too. Always upset. WIthdrew from college that semester (I did go back the next semester to finish though) I moved into my parents living room. I was so so so so sad. My dad told me one day.
"HS THIS IS IT! YOU STOP MOPING AROUND FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF, YOU NEED TO GET ANGRY REALLY REALLY ANGRY FIND YOUR STRENGTH GIRL CUT THE CRAP!!!! YOU DO NOT NEED THAT MAN. NO MAN WANTS SOMEONE WHO FEELS SORRY FOR THEMSELVES. EVEN IF HE CANT SEE YOU HE KNOWS BECAUSE HE KNOWS YOU AND HE WILL SENSE IT WHEN HE IS AROUND YOU. GIVE HIM NOTHING TO SENSE!!!!"
It was hard work but it worked, plus I did not want my dad to see me all upset anymore.
fyi, my H and I are reconciling. Okay? But it has been a long weird painful ----time!!
So you know, forget about how HARD HE WORKS B/C MEN DO THAT to avoid pain. My H left for a year long fellowship, and focussed his energy on the intensity of the material and the long hours exhausted him. I doubt he had trouble sleeping. Once the "test" was over for him, and his career goal had been achieved, THAT NIGHT he called and for the first time, really started saying things I needed to hear. I did not rush back into our R b/c it's scary and stupid to blow it then. It has NOT been an easy path and don't think if your h wants to come back it will solve all your problems b/c it is more complex than that. You will have mixed feelings b/c you will see him differently. I am not joining my H until this summer but it's good b/c I would not feel safe with him if his "return to H" had been too brief. BUT, don't worry about whether he works hard and what it means, blah blah blah. For me, all I could do was talk about it. I talked to friends, sisters, came to this board and told anyone who'd listen "how could HE do this? Doesn't he miss me/kids/family? Why? Why? What's going to happen, what do I say when he does/says/goes/thinks/feels??" blah blah blah!!!! ENOUGH about him!!!
I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I had 2 sisters who had h's leave them, for very different reasons and my older sister handled it (22 years, worked whole M and had 3 kids) with as much dignity and strength as I have ever seen. My younger sister (M 13 years, no kids and she never worked) asked her EX H (at the divorce hearing!!) for a hug, (I swear) obsessed non-stop, cried from Florida to DC in the car with me, which has to be physiologically some type of feat (how much fluid do our tear ducts hold??) and she was crushed and broken and "terrified" as she put it. In short, she was pathetic and it repulsed her H. He remarried as soon as the law allowed, which was 30 days, b/c he had OW. So then my younger sister started dating as fast as she could, anyone who'd notice her, including an engaged guy who used her badly. In contrast, My older sister, "G", increased her work hours b/c she needed the money, and did not work with her h. She spent as much time with the kids as she could,although she did take a girl's night out at least twice a month and we were "there" for her as we had been for the younger one. She went on a few short trips with gf's. I saw more progress in G in the first six months after her D, than my younger sister in 5 years, and the younger one has been divorced 10 (ten, yes, TEN YEARS). Took her 5 years to get her act together. MY personal turning point was when a good friend said if I didn't watch it, I was going to sound like my little sister....OMG that snapped me out of it. So you know, my older sister remarried. One month before that, her ex called her to say, he "got it" and had f----- up. He genuinely apologized. Also said he wished her well, b/c he knew she'd found someone who'd treat her better. And she did. It still saddens her b/c of the damage to the kids, finances and she really felt they could have worked things out. But she has no more stomach aches ("is he really committed" "is he going to leave again???) and the M she has now is THE priority in her new H's life. She said, "Now that I know what it's like to be loved this way, I'd never go back to the old M. EX did me a favor, but I wish I'd realized it earlier." Younger sister has finally remarried a nice guy. Now he is very sick, which she knew would happen before they married. I don't know why, but I wonder if she picked someone she knew would die, so she could be a widow instead of a "rejectee" (HER words before she met new H). He's a good man, but he is dying. His children have no mother, and this sister cannot have children. His kids will be orphans except now she is there for them. I just wonder sometimes about Divine intervention. Sis wanted kids but couldn't have them and had no H anymore. New H needed to laugh, have a mother for his soon to be orphaned kids. BTW, his treatments have outlasted all expectations and though he will eventually succumb, he has maintained his cognitive skills, for the most part, and his sense of humor.
The only way to get past the pain is to get thru it. Don't prolong it. Minimize what sucks for you. Like contact with him. Go on a trip that takes planning and bring a sibling or friend who makes you laugh. Rent comedies today. Just the planning for the trip I took my kids on, took my mind off H for a while each evening and gave my d's something to feel good about. The trip itself also proved we could still enjoy life and have fun and be a family with or without H. Also bugged H, but I didn't know at the time. They notice more than we realize. But it was truly detaching from him and beginning to see that I could make choices for ME without caring about his career, preferences, etc. It was liberating and started to look just a little bit exciting to me, less fear and more wonderment, more bravery, more "what if I do THIS" Or live THERE??!!!" First time in 25 years I could do that.
Who knows why H woke up. His work goal achieved? Noticing no one else was around who knew him, made him laugh, loved his kids?? Had history with him? My detachment? The trip to Italy? (you don't have to go that far either, just go and be upbeat, happy, and busy b/c you ARE A WOMAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE!!"
Start acting like it even if you don't feel like it. Fake it 'til you make it ---actually a new approach to behavior. Used to believe our emotions caused our behavior but new theory is that we can reverse that. Meaning, actions/behaviors can change our emotions. Hence, acting fine, upbeat, PMA will help you get there.
Get busy with something UNrelated to H asap. No more asking for hugs. Pretend he's in Iraq and is MIA, or the African bush and cannot be reached by phone/fax or anything else unless it's thru lawyers if it comes to that.
You are stronger than you think. Ironically, the best chance you have of getting him back, IS by detaching and GAL and doing all the things you'd be doing if you knew he was NOT coming back. Make sense?
listen to the wise ones here.--Holly--you helped me thru a lot, and I don't know if you knew that. I remember some of your funny/helpful encouraging posts and so, "thank you." j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
fyi, my H and I are reconciling. Okay? But it has been a long weird painful ----time!!
So you know, forget about how HARD HE WORKS B/C MEN DO THAT to avoid pain. My H left for a year long fellowship, and focussed his energy on the intensity of the material and the long hours exhausted him. I doubt he had trouble sleeping. Once the "test" was over for him, and his career goal had been achieved, THAT NIGHT he called and for the first time, really started saying things I needed to hear. I did not rush back into our R b/c it's scary and stupid to blow it then. It has NOT been an easy path and don't think if your h wants to come back it will solve all your problems b/c it is more complex than that. You will have mixed feelings b/c you will see him differently. I am not joining my H until this summer but it's good b/c I would not feel safe with him if his "return to H" had been too brief. BUT, don't worry about whether he works hard and what it means, blah blah blah. For me, all I could do was talk about it. I talked to friends, sisters, came to this board and told anyone who'd listen "how could HE do this? Doesn't he miss me/kids/family? Why? Why? What's going to happen, what do I say when he does/says/goes/thinks/feels??" blah blah blah!!!! ENOUGH about him!!!
I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I had 2 sisters who had h's leave them, for very different reasons and my older sister handled it (22 years, worked whole M and had 3 kids) with as much dignity and strength as I have ever seen. My younger sister (M 13 years, no kids and she never worked) asked her EX H (at the divorce hearing!!) for a hug, (I swear) obsessed non-stop, cried from Florida to DC in the car with me, which has to be physiologically some type of feat (how much fluid do our tear ducts hold??) and she was crushed and broken and "terrified" as she put it. In short, she was pathetic and it repulsed her H. He remarried as soon as the law allowed, which was 30 days, b/c he had OW. So then my younger sister started dating as fast as she could, anyone who'd notice her, including an engaged guy who used her badly. In contrast, My older sister, "G", increased her work hours b/c she needed the money, and did not work with her h. She spent as much time with the kids as she could,although she did take a girl's night out at least twice a month and we were "there" for her as we had been for the younger one. She went on a few short trips with gf's. I saw more progress in G in the first six months after her D, than my younger sister in 5 years, and the younger one has been divorced 10 (ten, yes, TEN YEARS). Took her 5 years to get her act together. MY personal turning point was when a good friend said if I didn't watch it, I was going to sound like my little sister....OMG that snapped me out of it. So you know, my older sister remarried. One month before that, her ex called her to say, he "got it" and had f----- up. He genuinely apologized. Also said he wished her well, b/c he knew she'd found someone who'd treat her better. And she did. It still saddens her b/c of the damage to the kids, finances and she really felt they could have worked things out. But she has no more stomach aches ("is he really committed" "is he going to leave again???) and the M she has now is THE priority in her new H's life. She said, "Now that I know what it's like to be loved this way, I'd never go back to the old M. EX did me a favor, but I wish I'd realized it earlier." Younger sister has finally remarried a nice guy. Now he is very sick, which she knew would happen before they married. I don't know why, but I wonder if she picked someone she knew would die, so she could be a widow instead of a "rejectee" (HER words before she met new H). He's a good man, but he is dying. His children have no mother, and this sister cannot have children. His kids will be orphans except now she is there for them. I just wonder sometimes about Divine intervention. Sis wanted kids but couldn't have them and had no H anymore. New H needed to laugh, have a mother for his soon to be orphaned kids. BTW, his treatments have outlasted all expectations and though he will eventually succumb, he has maintained his cognitive skills, for the most part, and his sense of humor.
The only way to get past the pain is to get thru it. Don't prolong it. Minimize what sucks for you. Like contact with him. Go on a trip that takes planning and bring a sibling or friend who makes you laugh. Rent comedies today. Just the planning for the trip I took my kids on, took my mind off H for a while each evening and gave my d's something to feel good about. The trip itself also proved we could still enjoy life and have fun and be a family with or without H. Also bugged H, but I didn't know at the time. They notice more than we realize. But it was truly detaching from him and beginning to see that I could make choices for ME without caring about his career, preferences, etc. It was liberating and started to look just a little bit exciting to me, less fear and more wonderment, more bravery, more "what if I do THIS" Or live THERE??!!!" First time in 25 years I could do that.
Who knows why H woke up. His work goal achieved? Noticing no one else was around who knew him, made him laugh, loved his kids?? Had history with him? My detachment? The trip to Italy? (you don't have to go that far either, just go and be upbeat, happy, and busy b/c you ARE A WOMAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE!!"
Start acting like it even if you don't feel like it. Fake it 'til you make it ---actually a new approach to behavior. Used to believe our emotions caused our behavior but new theory is that we can reverse that. Meaning, actions/behaviors can change our emotions. Hence, acting fine, upbeat, PMA will help you get there.
Get busy with something UNrelated to H asap. No more asking for hugs. Pretend he's in Iraq and is MIA, or the African bush and cannot be reached by phone/fax or anything else unless it's thru lawyers if it comes to that.
You are stronger than you think. Ironically, the best chance you have of getting him back, IS by detaching and GAL and doing all the things you'd be doing if you knew he was NOT coming back. Make sense?
listen to the wise ones here.--Holly--you helped me thru a lot, and I don't know if you knew that. I remember some of your funny/helpful encouraging posts and so, "thank you." j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
PennyMb, thanks girlfriend! That is so empowering.
Tam, I have been following your thread. You are on a crazy emotional rollercoaster. You are barely functioning right now. We feel your pain. Some of us is right where you are at. We know how gut wrenching it is to watch your H fall for someone else. It is unbelievable that they could change like that. But please listen to these good folks. You really need help professionally. Get your meds re-evaluated.
We don't want you to spiral out of control. Penny gave some really good advice for us strugglers here. You just got to push forward and think positive. Don't depend on H to dictate your happiness. You are such a strong woman. You are successful and ambitious with a loving heart. You have passion for your work and your relationships. Start forming your own circles. Don't include H and his family at all. No Easter dinner or luncheon with them. Travel out of the area if you have to. Take yourself out of the environment that is crippling you. It's not running away but removing yourself from the toxicity. It seems like a really silly piece of advice but when you act happy, you'll start feeling happy, and you will believe it too.
I have tried it and have to say it works. I do backslide and very guilty of PennyMB's #5 of getting family involved. But I do have some great friends who tell it like it is. It feels like tough love and hurts like hell. But tomorrow is another day. It will get better. Just wipe the slate clean and start fresh tomorrow.
Bless you sweetie. Get off the rollercoaster. Pay for an extra session with therapist if you have to on coping. Stay in touch.
Me: 36 WAH: 35 S1: 5, S2: 3, D: 2 Married 13 yrs Bomb dropped Nov. '06 H filed D papers Feb. 1, '07 H nows says OW is GF since April '07
HS...I wouldn't go so far as to advise that Tam stop taking her meds...i do think that maybe seeing a Psychiatrist would be best as they (not Psychologists) can actually prescribe medications..
Tam in your condition I think more then your general physician would be a good thing to consider...you need emotional counseling with physical support...I am not saying the medications don't work...or don't have their place...but caution should be used...
One thing that has come to me is your codependency...sadly it is what you have/had with H...and now you are forming it with us...you keep asking over and over the same things...you keep asking us to tell you what to do...initially we all need direction but there comes a point where we (the one asking for help)has to move forward with a plan...either what we glean from others...or what we have figured out on our own...
Tam...you have been at this for six months now???...It is time for you to TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR SITUATION...I am not saying that I won't be here for encouragement but I do think that you need to start moving on your own...codependency is not healthy...emotionally or physically...you have moved from your H to us and now it is time for YOU to focus on YOU...take care of yourself...and as Penny stated...YOU WILL MAKE IT!!!
We have all been through this aweful place...some farther then others...I still have bad days...last night I cried because as much as I had imagined my trip to Hawaii filled with romance...well lets say it was a great trip, I had a great time, but it was far from the romantic trip I had imagined...it hurts to go on your dream cruise and have your H want to play ping-pong more then spend alone time with you...we didn't have any alone time in 8 days we were gone...like I said the trip was fine...it was MY expectations that got me in trouble...see, even I still have hard days...now that we are home I hope my H will get a job soon...he quit his job mid-Feb and said he would have another by the end of the month...well that came and went...he said he would jump into getting one when we got back from our cruise...well he looked up on job but "needs to get his resume in order"....last time I heard those words it took him a month to do it and by the time he was ready the job wasn't available... So you see Tam...we all have stresses and problems...but we can't just lay down and take it...we can't just fall apart and make the world stop for us...we have to take action for ourselves...no one else can do anything for us...sure we can be there for you...we can encourage you...but we can't hold your hand and walk you through this tunnel...it sucks...we all agree with that...some of us have more turmoil then others...I think you need to look at your case compared to some others...you have a lot more going for you yet you act as the the world is coming to an end...I will outline it again for you
Your H is still willing to work with you
He hasn't filed for a S or D
He isn't parading the OW around to everyone
You have a lot of opportunity to show H how well you can do on your own
You don't have children (they are a blessing and reason to keep living at times but it does add stress to the whole situation)
As much as you say your H is treating you so horribly, ripping your heart out you have to admit that he isn't bringing the OW around, he isn't treating you with disdane, he isn't belittling you, he isn't saying your a bad person, he isn't expressing his anger to you....
Remember some of us have had the OW rubbed in our faces, have been reminded repeatedly that we are not loved...verbally reminded, many of us have been called names, been told the OW is the greatest thing since sliced bread, been told we are worthless, unloveable, unwanted, a weight around their neck, and a host of other belittling, demoralizing, and undignifying remarks...
I listened in on a phone call that was arranged by my H to his OW when he was supposed to be ending it with her...I had to listen to him call her "baby"...and her call him "baby" and other sweet names...I had to hear him tell her how much he loved her and had thought about her, how much she loved him and how she really wanted a life with him, how she would be "okay, so he could do what he needed to do"...I listened to all of this and yet he told me upfront that he didn't love me, hadn't loved me for years, and how perfect she was for him...basically he was "giving me a pity chance"...and she knew it...this call was supposed to be him telling her that he was coming back to me...
So I know you hurt, Tam...but really and honestly it could be soo much worse...and I think you need to read around these boards...check out some books...and really start being thankful for the blessings you do have in your life!!!
Tomorrow is a new day...embrace it as one...and live it like it is meant to be lived...make your list...follow it...and focus on all you have...
I will tell you a huge eye opener for me was when I started working with disabled students...going to their homes each mornign to get them for school...seeing their parents come out with a smile, kiss their child good bye, wishing them a good day at school...these were children who were totally physically unable to do anything for themselves, had severe health problems, were still in diapers even though they were in their late teens...some had to be fed through a feeding tube, some were on oxygen, some had heart problems...some could die at anytime...yet these parents came out everyday, happy for the day of life that they had with their child...I then realized that as bad as thing in my life were I was much better off then these parents...yet they were so much happier...I then realized that they were happy because they had accepted their situation and lived each day as it came...no pity...if they could do it...so could I...and SO CAN YOU!!!
Okay...I need to get to bed now...I will think positive thoughts for you...and I want you to post the things that are right in your life...I want YOU TO TELL ME how much you have going for you...all the things that are positives in your life...we are going to shift your gears with or without a clutch!!!
HS...I wouldn't go so far as to advise that Tam stop taking her meds...i do think that maybe seeing a Psychiatrist would be best as they (not Psychologists) can actually prescribe medications..
...
Oops, thanks Lin for the correction I was actually thinking in my mind I needed to write psychiatrist I don't know why psychologist came out instead, although some with a PhD and proper training can prescribe a few depending on the state. I know that she can not stop now due to withdrawal, I am just worried she is using them as a fix it all and the drugs are not really helping. She has to deal with these feelings instead of surpressing them or they will not lose their magnitude. When I read what you posted about the suicidal effects it really got me worried. So many people take medicine for granted.
Tam you seem to be by yourself a lot. If something were to happen there would be no one to call an ambulance for you. It is time you share with somebody so you have someone checking on you on a regular basis and someone who can sit with you to help you cope. Many people have already told you this please take the advice it is not going to make you look like a bad person becaue H left. It is not a reflection of you not being a supportive wife and you should not be embarassed. You need to reach out to frineds and family, that is what they are there for.
Wow, I am humbled by all of your wonderful, encouraging, kind, "tough," loving responses. It would take me five hours I think (since I'm not usually short on words... ) to respond to each one.
I'll try and hit some "highlights" for now...
Regarding the meds, I'm seeing my doctor again on Wednesday and will talk with him more about this. Believe me, the meds DO help during those meltdown periods. The antidepressants,I'm told, can take up to a month to really take effect, and it's only been a week and a half for those. I'm hoping I will have a positive response to those so as to not need the Xanax, etc., for the short term meltdowns. I will talk with my doctor about your concerns. I have been seeing him for years and have much confidence in his abilities and will talk with him and see what he has to say. Will report back.
The story about the two sisters really helped open my eyes... although neither of them got their H's back, they both dealt with it, both during and after, in such different ways. I appreciate your sharing that experience with me.
Real quick, I saw H again last night briefly. Kept my composure. We went over some more business items, and he brought in a jacket and sat it on the table. He held it up for me to see (the back), and it had a logo on it that he had gotten embroidered for our business. Then he flipped it around to the front, and it had my name on it. I know it seems simple, but it was kind of him to think of me, even in the business sense. I thanked him and gave him a hug. We talked a bit more about business, and then he left. HE asked me for a hug when he left.
So, let's discuss yesterday and the sequence of events, as I've had a chance to reflect after reading your posts and clearing my mind a bit...
1.) What was the difference in why I was feeling so strong when I was in Vegas and then crippled when I got home? A.) I was in a position to KNOW that he was out of town for a few days - killed me. B.) I SAW H yesterday. As much as I wanted to see him, in the end it tore me apart. When I was in Vegas, I didn't have the opportunity to be with/see him, and I got a lot more strong.
2.) As much as I love the hugs from him, I feel like when I asked him for the first hug yesterday that it somehow made him feel relieved, like it was okay for everything to continue how it is, that I'm okay with that - not good.
3.) He was a lot more kind to me yesterday than he has been in a long time. What's the difference? My and his departure from seeing/talking for a while. Does this mean that he missed me (to the point he can right now) or that he is working more on being nice to me as a friend or something completely different? Who knows, but it is a start, whatever it is.
So... what does this all mean, plus all that you wonderful folks have advised me? There is simply no choice anymore but to do things that will help me get through this and to get on with my life. I saw some positive changes in H yesterday, though he was distant, and the fact that I was gone in Vegas and had little contact with him were the only things different from before.
So, as hard as I know it will be, I AM going to move my office back home. If I don't know when he's coming and going and have so many chances to "snoop" both at the office and at her house (she's about 10 blocks from our office....ugh), I know it will help me to control my emotions. I hope it will also help me to focus on my business more and work on getting caught back up.
I have a ton of work that I need to do over the next several days, so I'm not sure when I'll make the move, but I know I need to. My ONLY chance of getting H back is if I let him go - just for now - and get myself together and become a strong woman on my own. I sense that that is what OW is like - maybe that is part of why he is attracted to her.
If I don't see him as much/have as much contact with him, I'm scared to death that it will push him farther away and that he will realize that he'll be okay without ME, but it's the only chance I've got to make this work - AND to keep my sanity and grow as a woman. He needs to start chasing ME!
So, I am going to move my office home. Yesterday was proof to me that that is necessary. It doesn't have to be permanent, as it is a much less convenient location to where the job sites are, but it is a necessary step right now to distance myself from H. I got some positive results (I think) from going to Vegas, and I need to really SEE that and run with it, rather than make him feel like everything is just "okay" again.
I know that so many of you have been through much harder times than I have been, and I envy you all for your strength and courage. I will continue to work on drawing from your strength and support. I feel blessed that you care enough to share such intimate details of your life.
Lin, I'm sorry that the trip to Hawaii wasn't everything that you hoped for, but look on the positive side - at least he WANTED to go on the trip with you and your family. Baby steps... I know it's not going to be easy when my H does come to his senses and come back home - I experienced a bit of that already when he came home for those two weeks. This is a long, hard journey, and one that both I and he are meant to be taking at this time in our lives - for whatever reason, that is for both of us to decide. We have our own individual journeys to partake in. God help us to find each other at the end of our journeys and to build a stronger M than ever...
Also, for Easter, H hasn't brought it up, and neither have I. I'm going to wait to see if he does bring it up. If he does not, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. The reason I feel like I need to go, if even for just a while, is that his grandmother, who doesn't have a lot of time here on Earth with us, puts this together every year, and ALL of the extended family gets together. It means so much to her. I have no desire to hurt other people in my life that I care about, even if it means hurting myself further at some points. I care too much. Sure, it would be awkward to be around H and will probably send me into a meltdown afterwards, but at the same time it will mean a lot to his family for me to be there. I KNOW that this isn't about his family, that it's about taking care of me. But, as I said, I don't want to hurt other people along my journey to the extent that I have any control over that. So, we'll play this one by ear.
So, here's what I have going for me: 1.) My H nor I have filed for D or even talked about it. 2.) H has chosen not to tell anyone, friends nor family, about what is going on. I think he knows that if he did, all hell would break loose, and there may be no chance of going back... He would probably lose both OW AND me. And I realize that he has been playing both of us this whole time to keep his options open. 3.) H does want to stay in business with me. Although I don't think this is a positive for our romantic R, at least he hasn't told me that he doesn't want to even work with me anymore. 4.) Although what H is doing is mentally wrecking, at least he is not being verbally abusive to me. 5.) Although he would never admit it, I can still see in his eyes that he "cares." At least I don't see hatred for me when I look at him. 6.) His family/friends are very close to him. If this doesn't work out and they find out about it, he will have A LOT of pressure from them. I fortunately have built wonderful relationships with his family and most of his friends. Though they would support him in whatever decision he makes, I know they will at least not be telling him what a B**** I am and that he never should have been with me, etc. H KNOWS this, and that is part of why he is not saying anything to anyone. 7.) H has not completely moved out of our home. 8.) H is not telling me about OW (he doesn't EVER talk about her to me) nor flaunting her all over town to everyone. 9.) H knows that if he isn't willing to work on our R, he may lose our business, too. 10.) Even though H did not sleep in our bed the other night on his "drunk" night, at least he felt "safe" enough to come home. (AND I know this wasn't a good thing that he came home, but at least he felt safe doing so.) 11.) At the end of the day, I know H has a good heart, and although he would never admit it, I know it will tear him apart to have us go through a D and also to have to deal with friends/business associates/family. When he gets "done" with OW (which is important for him to do on his own time), I pray his heart will bring him home to me to give us another chance before having to deal with all of these issues. For now, he needs to be with her and see what it's like to be withOUT me. 12.) My H loves my parents very much, and they love him very much as well. Not only would it "kill him" to have them be upset, but I know he would miss them. 13.) Now, he's not able (or I should say is choosing not to) bring OW around family and friends. At some point, that's going to get to him. It's only natural to want to share your experiences and have fun times with the one you care about with your family/friends and be able to talk about them. Now, it's entirely possible and likely that he has built a R with OW's friends and family (and they probably haven't told them that he's married), so that may help him some. BUT, H's parents walk on water - to see the hurt and disappointment in their eyes is something I know he thinks about...
Now, the positives for ME: 1.) I have lost about 10 pounds over this! LOL Can get back into my "skinny" clothes again... Woohoo! 2.) Although I don't have many friends and family, those that I do love are very supportive of me. I may decide at some point to talk to one of them, but I'm not ready yet. Again, I care so much about others and don't want to put them through this hell either. However, I should be spending more time with them just hanging out. 3. I have grown out of my "ugly, growing up" stage and now feel like I am an attractive woman who is very caring, loving, giving, intelligent, and kind. I have a lot to offer someone. 4.) Although this whole thing has been absolute hell, and I haven't handled it the best I could have, I'm still here!!! Somehow I've found the strength to keep gettng up each day and work on making it a positive day. 5.) My parents love me more than anything and have/will do anything for me now, if it comes to that. They also hurt very deeply, as do I, when things like this occur. I will feel so much better for getting through this journey and keeping them out of the drama. 6,) I am a shy, dependent person, yet I will give of myself to/for othes to a fault someimes. This is a good quality, if kept in check. 7,) I truly have a blessed life, being surounded by such wonderful people, having done a huge real estate deal that we are selling and will do heaps and bounds for our business. 8.) I think I need to go out dancing and drinking with the girls at least once monh - the self-esteem booster helps right now. 9) I AM lovable, no matter what... 10) I CAM do this business ALL BY MYSELF if I needed to. 11) I have a big heart amd give to a fault sometimes. 12.) I am fortunage enough to be relatively healthy. 13.) I have YOU all who so strongly and faithfully get me through my meltdowns and get me back on track again. (thank you so much)
I'll leave it at that, lucky #13 (inside story).
So, where does this all leave me?
Well, I potentially have about 2 monhs until our current projects are done. I suspect that that will be a huge turning point for us, one way or another. So, I just have to put this thing into high gear, act as if we're through, make him "think" by me coming back home to build my office here. Patience and my depedency on him are my worst hurddles that *I* mus work on in my journey. Heck, even just going on that trip to Vegas by myself was a huge undertaking...
So, here are some plans: 1) Move my offie back home by no later than NEXT weekend, and just do it and wait for him to notice and see if he even says anything. (I'm still worried about this one, guys, that he is going to interpret this that I'm working towards builing a B relationship with us so that he can keep her on the side for his personal time and that somehow I'll be all right with that. To that end, the words I choose to tell him about this (if he even sks) need to be chosen very carefully and be moe a reflection on my independece than a reflection that I'm working towards having a B relationhip with him while he stays with OW. Not so much... at least not now. 2.) Finish coordinating the plans for the weekly girls' night out that we're putting together. I have all of the e-mail addresses, so I just need to send out the invitation. 3.) NEED to get back to the gym again. This was helping me a lot, both physically and mentally. I feel so overwhelmed with business right now that I feel guilty take the time out to go an do that. I just need to work it in slowly. 3.) Work on Sundays being my part work/part goof off day. I could hang out with a friend and go shopping, go to the movies, etc.
Okay, guys, I'm about ready to pass back out again. I must get a few more hours of sleep before facing this day, as it is going to be a very long, strenuous day. Probably won't be able to check the computer as much throughout the day, but please keep writing to me!!!!
Today is the day I work on starting to get my power back, to becoming my own woman, to loving myself right now. If H sees these things, I can hope pray that he will follow. Plus, we're getting into that 6 month time period for the A... We'll see. The better I do at what I need to do the sooner that may end.
So, complete separation from him on a daily basis. We'll need to talk by phone, but that will be much different than if we are face to face. Keep conversations short and to the point. Don't answer his calls somestimes and don't return his calls for a time. When I know I AM going to see him (business function or whatnot, make sure I'm dressed nice and sexy.
I also need to talk to my mom and dad more often. We have drifted apart so much since this happened, and I know they are sad (I just keep blaming it on the business), but I miss them. My fear is that if I go visit them (without H) that I will have a meltdown there, and that is NOT what I want, at least not right now.
I need to spend more time with girlfriends. I was already thinking about taking another trip somewhere again in May or so when the projects are winding down.
Well, gotta run for now. I can barely hold my eyes open. Need to get a few more hours of shut eye before this crazy day ahead of me hits. Don't worry, I don't think there will even be TIME for any meltdowns today! Ha!
Thanks again to all of you. Each of you has touched my heart is so many different ways, and I just want you to know that when you DO post, especially to us newbies, for a lot of us, you are the only strength we can draw from. You DO make a difference. So THANK YOU!
HS, I have to respond to what appears to be medical advice you are giving.
First, it's all well and good to suggest she get a second opinion, (psychologists are not medical doctors even if they have the title "Doctor"-that means they are Ph.D's in psychology but you'd need a psychiatrist MD for a good discussion about the pharmacological process and the time for the meds to take effect. Most anti-depressants say that it takes 4-6 weeks for full effect). For you to tell her to stop taking her meds is irresponsible, and stems from a tragic event in your family, that MAY have been due to substandard care, also known as human error. Like you said, you are not an MD. I take issue with your mind reading of the doctor, who you accuse of not having "her best interest in mind..."?? Doctors are human and make mistakes, but please, don't attribute their mistakes to some nefarious motive. There is no conspiracy. And patients have duties to read the warnings as well. As a med malpractice attorney, and the wife of a physician, your post clearly bothered me. It obviously pushed a button-lights flashing, etc. So I apologize if my tone is harsh, but I really object to your "instructing" and implying that she is weak, b/c you did it all without drugs. You have kids. Great, me too. IMO, FWIW, It is EASIER to me to function with kids, than without. Harder to spiral and obsess when little ones are hungry.
As to your family's incident, I'm sorry it happened. But you don't know that the doctor even needed to read the warning, given that he may prescribe this medication often and has actually read something about it before prescribing, nor that he "failed" to read the warning at all. Maybe HE KNEW about the warning AND weighed the benefits vs. risks and made the best choice under circumstances that cannot have been optimal in the first place b/c your relative was already in the hospital with a serious condition. ( Like choosing which chemotherapy to give my brother in law -3 experts at Johns Hopkins said one thing, 2 at Stanford said another. Whoever is "wrong" isn't making a "stupid" choice, just a trial and error "wait and see if this helps" attempt to heal a serious condition.) Bad outcomes or unexpected bad events, do NOT necessarily = malpractice, let alone "stupid" professionals. Many people have this misconception. Do you know exactly her weight, liver or kidney metabolic functioning level - b/c diff meds metabolize differently and through various systems in our bodies, or what exact medicine and dosage she is taking? I sure don't. Last but not least, doctors are humans and make mistakes. They work a lot. My H's internship year he worked every day for 342 days in a row, with an average of 7 hours "off", which includes sleeping....Yep, 17 hour days for a year. THEN he did his residency... Don't make them out to be stupid or evil, not having the best interest of the patient in mind. Sorry your relative got sicker. But don't slime the whole profession for that. IF you are sure it was malpractice, hire a lawyer and sue.
2940 -- YOU are responsible for your health. Research and DISCUSS with this your doctor, and then go ahead and get a second opinion. I don't know what you are taking or how much or whether you are any better. But my younger sister took ADs and Xanax and as bad off as she was, she WAS A WHOLE LOT BETTER when she took them, than when she didn't. Look, We treat pain for broken legs. Sometimes we have to treat broken hearts the same way. It does not mean you are weak. Don't let anyone make you feel that way b/c they got through something without them. I am NOT pushing meds on you. I am saying you need to be in charge of your own health, by taking responsibility for it, reading the info and reminding a doctor if you think he needs reminding. Like US, doctors are not mind readers.
When I said, half seriously, to take another one if you were still out of control an hour later, even then I said check the dose, and read up on it. Don't take that as medical advice b/c it was not meant to be. I even commented on my "qualifications" as a joking reminder that I am NOT qualified to say something like that. Allow yourself whatever you need, to heal. Sometimes a medicine taken appropriately is the lesser of two "evils" in that it could prevent you from doing something much worse or more dangerous, or harmful in the long run. good luck, take care of YOURSELF, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
) to respond to each one.