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In a real good place right now. Still have detaching to do but I feel great. W continues to try to press my buttons but I just say "it is perfectly okay; it is her, nothing to do with me".
I am not sure her hurting me is intentional. Part of it is b/c she is still angry b/c in her mind I caused all this. But the other part is that she is increasingly uncomfortable around me (guilt?) and stumbles over her words - sometimes saying something that comes out wrong and hateful, but she is quick to correct. Interesting.
Bad news - S9 was over my apartment Sunday playing hard and he jammed his finger. At least I thought it was a jam at the time. I emailed W Monday when I returned the kids to her. Finger got worse and W took him to the doc Tuesday. She immediately called me: turns out it is broken and she was on her way to a bone doctor. When W was talking to me she sort of grilled me about what happened. I tried to fill in the detail but she kept on. Finally she said "I just need the info b/c the doc may ask - I know you did not hurt him". Then she backed off and said "I know he was just playing".
This is an example of what mean. It had no affect at the time but last night it did for some reason (you guys are right: I still have detaching to do ISLH and nicola). Today I am fine b/c I think she was just angry and stressed out.
W also 'forgot' to tell me about D6 singing at the PTA meeting last night. Again, was it intentional or stress? Does it really matter?
Although S9 will miss some baseball he is 'thrilled' about the cast on his hand. Seems it is much bigger than you would expect. Makes you popular at school I guess. That is a good way to view what should be negative. I can learn from my son.
More bad news: a good friend at work had to see after his mom in the hospital. Colon cancer. He called me several times and it sounded like a replay of my mom. The medical decisions he had to make - slow recovery from surgery/illness - reactions to drugs - his mom wanting to give up - finding her a rehab facility. He thanked me for sharing what I went through with my mom. But then he asked how did I do it? He had his brother and his brother's family there helping full time and he is not going through a divorce so his family was there for him also. He said he admired me. I never considered that - I was dwelling on the negative, not how strong I really was.
Last journal entry: I asked my W for some summer clothes for the kids. She asked for money. I emailed her and said no problem but the child support I was paying was to cover clothes. Actually I do not send her a check fo the kids - I pay her house payment and some expenses that equals (exceeds really) the child support requirement. But she asked "I don't want to make you mad but what bills are you paying and how much are they and what is the child support requirement?" She did not have a clue.
I replied with all the info. I felt strong and in control but I also resented doing all the work here. After all she is the one who wants this D. She should know what bills I am paying and what the court specifies for child support. It will be difficult to settle with her if she does not do any legwork to get the facts.
But she always relied on me to take charge so I guess I will soldier on. I still feel good about taking charge of the paperwork. And I feel that I am supporting her and my family by being the leader here. I feel it is my responsibility as a man.
So, life continues. Need to make the tax man happy, buy Easter candy, and put the finishing touches on my draft D-paperwork. More later.
Jeff, I've never had the opportunity to read your thread before coming across you on WCW's thread. You are definitely an incredible person.
I don't know what the "rules" are in Alabama but here in Alaska paying bills for your wife wouldn't be considered child support. It would just be paying bills for your wife. It is only considered child support if given to the other partner to spend on the children's care. And, I know a few people who made the error of paying the support in cash...not trackable...and ended up in arrears but we have a real child support gestapo system in this state.
I can so feel for you right now. I ended up finishing the D now XH wanted. Maybe he never would have filed, I'll never know, but we were in the middle of a major move, after 23 years in the house we raised our family in, when I got the ILYBINILWY speech and how he didn't want to be married. We had sold one piece of property we owned to make a down on our new house and XH blew threw it all. Current house was about to go on the market and I had to move so I filed a court petition asking him to come home and go to marriage counseling. His response was "No" so it became a D petition. I don't know why I might have expected anything else but I had to make one last ditch effort.
It's been 1-1/2 years since the gavel fell in court. Even there, when the judge asks if you agree it is irreconciliable, I said no I didn't believe that, but our state laws say if one person wants a divorce the other must acquiesce....so, I acquiesce to his wishes.
I still care and I still miss him. Spent half my life with him and I don't think there is any replacing what we had. We honestly had a pretty darn good life. I think he was/is in MLC. He is going home this month for his dad's memorial service. His dad was ill over the last few years, passed away last November, and he's helping his mom, made the down payment on a new place for her to live where she is close enough to drive herself around to places she needs to go, etc. Not sure if their old house has sold yet. I told him I'm very proud of him for helping his mom.
I hope your current situation goes smoothly for you. There are certainly ups and downs.
Thanks Glenda. Our temp court order covers both child support and living expenses and provides a formula on how to figure both. Using that formula, I am greatly 'overpaying' living expenses while not specifically paying child support. So I think I am safe. But that makes me want to get things settled so she does not pull me to court claiming I am a deadbeat dad while I would have to counter that she was not paying her fair share of our living expenses!!!!
I also appreciate you sharing that you still care. That makes me feel good b/c I grew to hate her but now I am finding forgiveness and caring. I think I always will care also, but in a different way. I also know I will find love again with someone else but there will always be a place for the mother of my kids.
Hey all, Feel great today after a great Easter. Had the kids all weekend. I (or I should say the Easter Bunny) got them Easter Baskets and candy and they were thrilled. I also hid some candy filled ‘eggs’ and they had fun hunting them up. Church was uplifting and we had my mom over for dinner Sunday – made homemade pasta – her favorite, and mine. She was glad to see the kids and she played games with them. Great fun.
I hope everyone else had a great weekend!
So some sunshine on many of my *regulars* that are having a difficult time now: IamTJ, FIB, nicola, ISLH, WCW, DonH, lost-for-now, TNP, Lissett, Baseball Annie (BA, I hope you are doing well but you have been quiet lately).
Also wanted to send prayers your way. You are all very special people.
Oh, this did my heart good to read today. How wonderful that you and your kids and your mom got to spend Easter together and had what sounds like a great time.
Thanks for your kind words for me, have been a little emotional lately, working through some things for Lent. I emerged from Easter rejuvenated.
I spent a few hours today with my SS27 who was in town last week for the Masters and carved out some time with me today before heading back home. Was our first visit (his first trip East) since he moved out West last fall and it was wonderful to see him. I love him so much and am blessed to have him in my life.
Prayers and good wishes for you and yours, hope you held back some chocolate eggs for yourself.
"Go where your best prayers take you." -- Frederick Buechner