SD, please, relax. It only seems like it would be the end of the world if it is the worst performance of your life. It can do two things for you, one you got can empathize with wife. You want, you are sure you want but something misfires, ugh, damn! Get my drift, she feels this way I bet you. Then if you 'fess up that this is what's going on it is just possible that she may be willing to help you relax, hmmm? On another note check on D16, sounds like a hidden agenda at work. She may be enjoying the freedom she gets because you and W are distracted. Trust me on this she is old enough to let you know she needed to get a card and to put it on you like that shows she is up to something. She laid a whole bag of guilt on you and you and W missed the cue to unite on this one. I think.
Thanks everyone. This morning I woke up to find the flag was flying at full mast so I feel better today. You're right hd, Friday is dustbin day so I'll make sure I put it out before the bin men arrive. One less thing to worry about. My concern is that if the pressure gets to me by Friday (eeek it's Thursday today, that means Friday is tomorrow) and the wind isn't blowing the flag might be only at half mast and then W will think I've been making a fuss about nothing and... it doesn't bear thinking about... SD
hd, We don't have really have medication here in England. Our antidepressants are call "Smarties" and you can buy them quite cheaply in any sweet shop. The marketing blurb goes something like. "Smartie people are happy people, they smile all the time because they're feeling fine". What more can you ask from medication? Oh there is a side effect - they rot your teeth. SD
Friday night Saturday morning. Well I'm on this forum again in the middle of the night. I don't want to be here but it's going to be a long sleepless night. At the moment my hopes and dreams appear to be fading with my HD. I guess an ND leopard just can't change her spots and I can feel myself moving from HD towards can't-be-bothered-anymore LD. I knew she was tired and wouldn't want to and honestly I didn't make any more of a move than puting an arm across her but she went rigid and said she was too tired and stressed and I was putting too much pressure on her. Quite honestly (again) I didn't really want it either but the rejection still cut me up. For some reason since she "agreed to try it every week" I seem to have lost interest - perhaps it's because in my heart I always knew it couldn't last. After a lengthy argument I told her that I would wait for her to initiate something and after some silence she said next Friday - so does that mean it will be every two weeks from now on or are we back to negotiating every week individually. The whole point of every Friday was to "just do it" and take the delicate destructive negotiations out of the equation. The way I'm feeling now I just can't be bothered. I am going to do some more 180s. This last month I've done more housework than usual. Tidying, washing, ironing, dishes, house maintenance, making her endless cups of tea and coffee etc. but it makes no difference. I've left her notes and silly gifts. I've backed off on the touching and kissing to give her "space". I've been carefull not to do too much words of affirmation so as not to dilute the message but I've come to the conclusion that she does not have a love language - or she has one that is not on the list like mothering her children and cats. This next week I'm going to do absolutely nothing. I'm going to leave dirty clothes lying around, not bother with the dishes, forget to make her coffee when she asks for it, I'm going to stay at work late and I'm going to go out more and make a model aeroplane. It is her birthday this week and I have booked a posh hotel for the night but I'm tempted to cancel it - she found out about it anyway because my mother let it slip that she was having my kids over to stay. Her first reaction was that she didn't want to go and that it is too expensive. She's so romantic - not. I am even more dissatisfied having read luvhubby and honeypot. It is just sickening to think that I got lumbered with an ND when there are such fun women out there (sadly also lumbered with NDs). Why did I marry the first girl I fell for, why didn't I play the field a bit. The worst thing is that when we were courting she actually told me that her previous boyfriend dumped her because he thought she was no good in bed. I didn't believe it at the time because she seemed to be quite hot with me then and I really believed she would stay that way. I've bored you long enough with my woes tonight so I'll sign off now. I hope you have a better weekend than me. SD
SD - don't give up hope! I know it sounds trite, but it IS always darkest before the dawn. There IS hope, there IS help. I just KNOW there is. I get the feeling like we're really the same person, you and I, on different sides of the pond. Just don't give up yet...
SD - I haven't read much of it yet, but I'm going to stick my neck out here and recommend "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil. I think it's going to be a good addition to Michele's books as a resource. From what I've read so far, he has a very similar viewpoint to Michele, is also very much pro-marriage, and seems to have some VERY worthwhile things to say, as well as some VERY practical advice. No, not advice, more like a marriage-workshop-in-a-book, but it looks like if you do the exercises and do the homework, you can learn a lot, and it may help.
One point he makes right up front, which I think is very true, is that the only person you can really influence and change is yourself. Sometimes changing yourself, and your viewpoint, is a catalyst for further change. NO, I am not talking about Beau11's "solution". Get the book, and read it, and decide for yourself - you don't have to risk much money...
Thanks for your best wishes Tim and Pam. It depresses me, Tim, that we are so similar - and hairdog, CeMar, Dave36, luvhubby and honeypot - because it's starting to look as if it's something to do with our personality type that turns our partners on initially then turns them off with time. Let's face it, they are are never going to DESIRE us are they?
SD Diary
Saturday morning. Another sleepless night but at least I've thought things through a bit more. This morning she sort of apologised in her own inimitable "I'm sorry it went wrong but is was all your fault" way. OK I accept she was tired but "I'm too tired" is not my problem. My problem is the follow up "You're putting too much pressure on me". It has bothered me for some time that she has no love languages but I believe that she has them but they work in reverse. I express myself best with words and touch but my declarations of love to her and my cuddles and kisses are read by her as "pressure". I am also good at acts of service but I'm sure she regards them as me building up credit so that my "pressure" will be accepted at some time in the future. This morning she tried to get an apology conversation going but as I said, "sorry" doesn't come naturally to her and she always has to "win" an apology. Instead of being drawn into a lengthy argument I just told her that "You're the one with the problem so you'd better sort it out" and left it at that. She has just gone shopping and before she left she tried to get me to smile (which I did) so I suppose that's a start. My strategy this week is to only do acts of service that I routinely do and not try to do any of hers (eg cooking and ironing). I will not give her any signs of love (pressure) at all but I will accept any she gives me with a response that will not be over enthusiastic. It's life, Jim, but not as we know it. SD
