Hi Sage - I feel as though I know you by reading your story on the BB and the very awesome and insightful things you post on other people's threads. I just wanted to say that I am so happy to read about the tremendous progress you've made with you, your H & M! You are truly an inspiration and a Guardian Angel to those of us further behind in this journey. Thanks for posting the links to your previous threads - they are helping me BIG TIME Have a great day! Misty
"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading your success story! I think you need to summarize it and have JJ put it up in the success section of the BB!
Pam -- I'm gonna show up at the party when I figure out what the heck my costume is!
Positives: 1. h had study group last night. I was actually feeling in a bit of a funk before he got home but was feeling better by the time I picked him up at the train. He said "you can kiss me but don't hug me" when I first saw him...why? Cause he had bought me and stashed in his pocket a whoopie pie. What a cutie! (and it was GOOD! But I DID share!)
2. When we got home, h said " I need to give and get the greatest, my beautiful wife is an incredible support system, hug". It was wonderful to hear but also I truly let myself relax into his words and his hug!
3. h had a 30 second mini-rant of anger this morning (not at me!)
Now you may be wondering...how is that a positive?
Well...this will unfold more in some upcoming posts (I have to get thru the hell of my work week + bury some ghosts!) but one of the things that I've been struggling with a bit this past week was h's statement of "you still don't seem happy" (said during the convo last weekend). You KNOW if you've read my threads that I've taken on a lot of the "our m. pre-affair was screwed up" responsibility...I've worked on my anger, my control issues, etc. And to hear h say a sort of redux of LAST YEAR's convo "you're still not happy" was alarming...and it kind of made me sad...and kind of made me mad (why is it always phrased in re. to MY feelings -- how about saying "I feel uncomfortable/angry/sad/mad because you seem unhappy"? or even more pointedly "are you unhappy about something?")
Anyway...when h had his mini-rant this am -- it was just a brief burst of anger -- it reminded me that HE has changed so much, too, even if HE can't or won't see it. Fact is...he USED to be angry too, he used to be more sullen, more moody, more withdrawn. Yah, I'm sure it was a product of a cycle we had created (i'm mad so you get mad so I get madder, etc) but it just wasn't all about ME. And it's STILL not all about me...yes, there IS still an undercurrent of sadness/unhappiness for me sometimes -- and I understand many of the reasons for it (healing, feeling like hands were tied getting h's help with it, etc) and I think that it's pretty clear that h is more than willing to take some steps inward to help with that...but the simple truth is that even THAT is a product of a cycle between us....it's NOT just something that I've created.
I'm not sure this makes any sense to anyone but me.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Excuse me Sage, but do you think you might not be entirely happy because you dare not believe in your inner self that things have changed, that they are better, that as much as anything in life is ever finished this horrible episode in your lives is drawing to a conclusion? It may be that your H is picking up some subconscious fear...
I wondered because you are so quick to disclaim when the folks acknowledge your success...
Just a thought.
I went to the party, dressed as Nyx. Drank all the Mimosas!
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Quote: Excuse me Sage, but do you think you might not be entirely happy because you dare not believe in your inner self that things have changed, that they are better, that as much as anything in life is ever finished this horrible episode in your lives is drawing to a conclusion? It may be that your H is picking up some subconscious fear...
A thousand times YES.
I realize that I may be wandering down a cheeseless tunnel so bear with me...
It's so much about the fear...that it's not real, that it can't last, that it will go away. And some of it is feeling without "ground beneath my feet" in reference to my m. and the vows and commitment that I made...when h and I decided to get m. we did it with the future in mind, right? We made statements and vows, etc. I feel untethered to those statements now. I don't know if he wants to be married to me (OK, maybe I do -- but it's not sinking in?), I don't know if he wants a family, what HIS picture of the future looks like, how he'd feel if I stated mine, how they'd mesh.
I know that life is uncertain and you can't really count on things happening the way that you think you want them to. But I still believe in INTENT.
I cried last night during "Friends" because there was a m. proposal as part of it...and I thought "I don't want to 'back into' recommitting to this m. I want it to be an overt decision".
I want us to state that we're tossing out the old and committing to the new.
I know, I know...patience, stay out of the cheeseless tunnel..
I'll grow to love the "actions" not "words" methodology...and we're living it every day!
I LOVE with every fiber of my being the results of the hard work that h has done, that I have done. I am truly, truly grateful. And I know I'll get to that point where I can truly relax and let go of the fear..I'm closer today than ever...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Well...this will unfold more in some upcoming posts (I have to get thru the hell of my work week + bury some ghosts!) but one of the things that I've been struggling with a bit this past week was h's statement of "you still don't seem happy" (said during the convo last weekend). You KNOW if you've read my threads that I've taken on a lot of the "our m. pre-affair was screwed up" responsibility...I've worked on my anger, my control issues, etc. And to hear h say a sort of redux of LAST YEAR's convo "you're still not happy" was alarming...and it kind of made me sad...and kind of made me mad (why is it always phrased in re. to MY feelings -- how about saying "I feel uncomfortable/angry/sad/mad because you seem unhappy"? or even more pointedly "are you unhappy about something?")
Sage,
This sounds to me like somebody's been cooking a stew. (We won't name any names. ) Main ingredients I see: anxiety, insecurity, caution, anger. I think both of you are going to hold onto some of those feelings for a while. Try to think about them as "junk thoughts". I suspect for a while, both of you will relate negative thoughts and feelings back to this painful period in your lives. With time, those thoughts and feelings will diminish.
When you get cut, you'll constantly notice the wound and the pain. It takes a while to heal. You'll end up with a scar, but over time you begin to forget about it until you seldom notice it. My point???.... Try to recognize these feelings for what they are - leftover thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
I suspect part of what is going through your mind are memories of the troubled times. Try to recognize that those are behind you now, but it will take time to bury those ghosts. I think for a while, there's going to be a little resentment (not sure that's quite the word I mean) from both of you. Don't let it continue to hurt you.
Have a great day! Misty 